[ buncha people died. that's how marcos had gotten this job. all right, maybe it was more jyn putting in a good word for him than anything but he's not going to forget her telling him that a buncha people died. it shouldn't have made him chuckle but it had.
so, he's starting a new job and it's...different, being a courier had given him a level of freedom that he'd liked but it had felt rote. this type of thing was more grunt work for the most part but it kept him mind occupied and that's what he needed.
the first few days are training and by the time they let marcos go on his own, he's pretty confident about what he's doing. it's not a difficult to learn job but it does take work.
he's carrying a box down one corridor when he happens to hear what sounds like water pouring over something. his immediate reaction is to turn the other way, to ignore it, to to try and forget about it but the visual of someone watering a plant up ahead is enough to ruin those hopes and dreams.
it's vivid, how clearly he can remember the water pouring over the cloth, over his face, into his throat, and his eyes. he hadn't even been able to see it, for the most part. the cloth had been thick and suffocating especially when it had become deluged with water.
he breathes fast, too fast, and he can feel himself start to hyperventilate. soon enough, he's wheezing, black spots popping up in front of his eyes and he thunks back against the wall, using it to try and keep himself upright so he doesn't pass out. ]
[ there is a lot of monotony to jyn's own job, but she has to use her brain constantly and it keeps food on her table which is the most important thing in the world to her. she has done worse shit for food than sitting in an air conditioned lab carefully compiling data and taking long lunches with her best friend when he can swing it.
and it's nice having marcos around, too.
it's less nice when she sees him slumped against the wall as she turns the corner. she swears under her breath -- in basic because she knows better than to make a spectacle of herself -- and hurries down the hall. the first step is to take the box from his hands and set it on the floor, straightening up to put her hands on his shoulders. ]
[ he hates this. it makes him feel weak, like a coward, like everyone else had been able to handle torture sessions but he was still affected by his own. it was annoying and a nuisance and he hated it but he was powerless to stop it. people had told him it would take time and patience but he was out of those. he wanted this done now.
jyn's face swims into view and he blinks at her, trying to focus but his eyes slip away to some spot over her shoulder while the water continues to pour into plants. he shifts, shucking her hands away because he has to get his own hands over his ears to block that out.
he can't listen to it anymore. he can't he can't he can't. ]
[ the moment he starts to move, she releases him, letting him do what needs to be done. he's blocking something out and jyn gets that, sometimes she wakes up to the sun streaming so brightly through their windows that is looks like the bright white of the death star's impact hurtling toward her and she can feel the unbearable heat licking at her skin.
he's not listening, so jyn scoops her arm around his waist and draws him away from the wall, leading him a few steps before she can slip into a conference room across the hall, pulling him inside with her. there are no windows to the hall so they have privacy, but the outside wall is entirely windows, looking out over the city below them.
her fingers press against his chest, feeling his heart racing. ]
Marcos, I'm going to count to three, okay? When I get to three, I want you to take a breath. [ if something is familiar about what she says, it is probably because cassian is the one that talks her down from panic attacks as well. ] Can you do that?
[ he doesn't resist when she grabs him by the waist, doesn't protest when she drags him into a quiet room and shuts the door. he turns away from the wall of windows just in case and clenches his hands into fists.
jyn's voices reaches him again and the familiarity of the words is the only thing that makes him nod. he's done that before, he can do that. he's pretty sure he can manage to do that again.
he hasn't passed out yet and with the sound of the water gone from his ears, maybe it'll even be easier.]
[ jyn takes him through the one, two, three pattern a few times, listening to his breathing slow enough that the threat of hyperventilation fades. she knows what happened to him, she knows what was involved, so she can't bring any of those things up and she struggles to grasp at a topic to make marcos focus on the way cassian makes her focus on squirrels. ]
Tell me how you met Cassian.
[ a story she knows because cassian told her, marcos told her, both of them told her so they could tease her. but it was easy and normal and had nothing to do with trauma or violence or water and she finds she has to shove down a wave of anger that they tortured marcos with her power. ]
[ cassian. how had he met cassian? he tries to get his sluggish, overworked brain to cooperate and then says the first thing that pops into his head. ]
Pickles.
[ there had been pickles. that's what he remembers. which means they were at...the harvest festival. they'd been at the harvest festival, yeah. ]
[ he sucks in a harsh breath, coughing a few times and clawing his throat for a few moments. god, sometimes it feels like the water is right there, right above him and it's slowly drowning him and he can't do a damn thing about it. ]
You fell in the fitting room. [ he thinks. it's so, so hard to remember. ]
You could have remembered literally anything else.
[ but no, he chose to remember that and honestly she supports him. it was a nice memory, a good memory, really. the first time they ever hung out, as friends. ]
[ it hadn't been just a few moments ago but he's no longer struggling to breathe and he can't hear the water anymore so, after a minute of thought, he nods. ]
Yeah, I'm — [ he nods again. ] It's okay.
[ if he freaks out, he'll tell her and he knows she won't try and keep him in one place when he doesn't want to be. ]
[ there was one moment in jyn's entirely life when she felt entirely at peace, calm and untroubled, and surprisingly, she doesn't find it hard to bring that emotion back to the forefront. probably because she thinks about it so much.
either way, she carefully touches the back of marcos' hand, looking down to watch the faint glow of the empathy bond between before she takes his hand entirely. she has to close her eyes, focus on the peace, so marcos can feel it. ]
[ he'll apologize for the rush of emotions jyn might pick up from him later when he's more aware. the fear, the worry, the feeling of suffocation and drowning, of not being able to breathe and feeling your body slowly dying around you.
but, her calmness manages to push through those feelings until that's what marcos feels too. he takes a long, shuddering breath and clenches her hand harder, trying to soak up the contented feeling that he's getting from her. ]
[ she falters briefly from the sheer force of hurt coming from marcos, but she is stubborn and refuses to let the peace slip away. maybe that is why the uncertainty of this place bothers her -- she wants to yell at whatever brought them here because she had peace.
but she keeps holding on, keeps grasp of her own personal peace in order to offer it to marcos for as long as it takes for him to find some peace of his own. she thinks of cassian, feeling another rush of warmth.
this is the exact opposite of the weaponizing her emotions that they had joked about weeks ago. ]
[ little by little, his own emotions ebb, retreating back to those dark places inside of him for a little while. he takes a long, slow breath, feeling his lungs fill for what feels like the first time.
he manages a nod at her, something to tell her that he's okay, that he's all right or at least as close to it as he'll get right now. it's not a solution but it's a bandage on a flowing wound that he hadn't had before.
she's giving him something he doubts she shares with many people and he appreciates it. ]
[ jyn tries to keep it up a little longer but she feels the familiar grief slipping back in so after a few of marcos' steady breaths, she draws her hand back. ]
I don't think that's part of Cassian's panic attack protocol, but I panicked.
[ cassian is the one talking her down, not the other way around, she isn't actually used to this when it's reversed. ]
Don't be. [ she pushes up the sleeve of her lab coat, revealing a bracelet of scars around her wrists, half a years healing or more turning the skin that had been rubbed raw day in and day out white with not faint enough scarring. ]
Cassian grabbed my wrist once and I punched him in the stomach.
[ he wants to be able to deal with this and he wants to hide it from everyone around him because he doesn't want to burden them. everyone has their issues and he doesn't need to add to it. he doesn't want people to worry. ]
I just — water.
[ he doesn't think he needs to explain it but he does anyway. ]
the difficulty, of course, is that marcos can't exactly avoid water because of basic hygienic practices, rain, personal hydration, his casual friend's superpower. which is selfish of her to think about but here she is, being selfish. jyn can avoid people touching her, she can avoid beaches and green lasers and shitty people. water is the entire frickin' world. ]
Maybe I just shouldn't go outside until I can get past this.
[ if he could keep himself contained to one room, he wouldn't risk having these...attacks in public where people had to calm him down or he made a scene. ]
Stay in one place until I can get a handle on this.
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➤ action; trauma; early december
so, he's starting a new job and it's...different, being a courier had given him a level of freedom that he'd liked but it had felt rote. this type of thing was more grunt work for the most part but it kept him mind occupied and that's what he needed.
the first few days are training and by the time they let marcos go on his own, he's pretty confident about what he's doing. it's not a difficult to learn job but it does take work.
he's carrying a box down one corridor when he happens to hear what sounds like water pouring over something. his immediate reaction is to turn the other way, to ignore it, to to try and forget about it but the visual of someone watering a plant up ahead is enough to ruin those hopes and dreams.
it's vivid, how clearly he can remember the water pouring over the cloth, over his face, into his throat, and his eyes. he hadn't even been able to see it, for the most part. the cloth had been thick and suffocating especially when it had become deluged with water.
he breathes fast, too fast, and he can feel himself start to hyperventilate. soon enough, he's wheezing, black spots popping up in front of his eyes and he thunks back against the wall, using it to try and keep himself upright so he doesn't pass out. ]
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and it's nice having marcos around, too.
it's less nice when she sees him slumped against the wall as she turns the corner. she swears under her breath -- in basic because she knows better than to make a spectacle of herself -- and hurries down the hall. the first step is to take the box from his hands and set it on the floor, straightening up to put her hands on his shoulders. ]
Marcos, hey. Look at me.
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jyn's face swims into view and he blinks at her, trying to focus but his eyes slip away to some spot over her shoulder while the water continues to pour into plants. he shifts, shucking her hands away because he has to get his own hands over his ears to block that out.
he can't listen to it anymore. he can't he can't he can't. ]
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he's not listening, so jyn scoops her arm around his waist and draws him away from the wall, leading him a few steps before she can slip into a conference room across the hall, pulling him inside with her. there are no windows to the hall so they have privacy, but the outside wall is entirely windows, looking out over the city below them.
her fingers press against his chest, feeling his heart racing. ]
Marcos, I'm going to count to three, okay? When I get to three, I want you to take a breath. [ if something is familiar about what she says, it is probably because cassian is the one that talks her down from panic attacks as well. ] Can you do that?
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jyn's voices reaches him again and the familiarity of the words is the only thing that makes him nod. he's done that before, he can do that. he's pretty sure he can manage to do that again.
he hasn't passed out yet and with the sound of the water gone from his ears, maybe it'll even be easier.]
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Tell me how you met Cassian.
[ a story she knows because cassian told her, marcos told her, both of them told her so they could tease her. but it was easy and normal and had nothing to do with trauma or violence or water and she finds she has to shove down a wave of anger that they tortured marcos with her power. ]
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Pickles.
[ there had been pickles. that's what he remembers. which means they were at...the harvest festival. they'd been at the harvest festival, yeah. ]
I mentioned his jacket.
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[ if this weren't such an upsetting experience, it would be funny. pickles of all things to remember. ]
It fits him really nicely, you were a good model. Do you remember the jacket?
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[ he sucks in a harsh breath, coughing a few times and clawing his throat for a few moments. god, sometimes it feels like the water is right there, right above him and it's slowly drowning him and he can't do a damn thing about it. ]
You fell in the fitting room. [ he thinks. it's so, so hard to remember. ]
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[ but no, he chose to remember that and honestly she supports him. it was a nice memory, a good memory, really. the first time they ever hung out, as friends. ]
Marcos, I'm going to touch you, is that okay?
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Yeah, I'm — [ he nods again. ] It's okay.
[ if he freaks out, he'll tell her and he knows she won't try and keep him in one place when he doesn't want to be. ]
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either way, she carefully touches the back of marcos' hand, looking down to watch the faint glow of the empathy bond between before she takes his hand entirely. she has to close her eyes, focus on the peace, so marcos can feel it. ]
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but, her calmness manages to push through those feelings until that's what marcos feels too. he takes a long, shuddering breath and clenches her hand harder, trying to soak up the contented feeling that he's getting from her. ]
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but she keeps holding on, keeps grasp of her own personal peace in order to offer it to marcos for as long as it takes for him to find some peace of his own. she thinks of cassian, feeling another rush of warmth.
this is the exact opposite of the weaponizing her emotions that they had joked about weeks ago. ]
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he manages a nod at her, something to tell her that he's okay, that he's all right or at least as close to it as he'll get right now. it's not a solution but it's a bandage on a flowing wound that he hadn't had before.
she's giving him something he doubts she shares with many people and he appreciates it. ]
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I don't think that's part of Cassian's panic attack protocol, but I panicked.
[ cassian is the one talking her down, not the other way around, she isn't actually used to this when it's reversed. ]
You alright?
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[ not overall. because this kept happening and he couldn't stop it. ]
But yeah, I'm good now.
[ he swipes at his eyes and slides his fingers through his hair. ]
Sorry. [ sheepish, quiet. ]
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Cassian grabbed my wrist once and I punched him in the stomach.
[ it was not the good morning he expected. ]
It happens.
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[ he wants to be able to deal with this and he wants to hide it from everyone around him because he doesn't want to burden them. everyone has their issues and he doesn't need to add to it. he doesn't want people to worry. ]
I just — water.
[ he doesn't think he needs to explain it but he does anyway. ]
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[ she also wishes it wasn't happening to marcos.
the difficulty, of course, is that marcos can't exactly avoid water because of basic hygienic practices, rain, personal hydration, his casual friend's superpower. which is selfish of her to think about but here she is, being selfish. jyn can avoid people touching her, she can avoid beaches and green lasers and shitty people. water is the entire frickin' world. ]
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[ if he could keep himself contained to one room, he wouldn't risk having these...attacks in public where people had to calm him down or he made a scene. ]
Stay in one place until I can get a handle on this.
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[ if only marcos really know how hypocritical she is being. ]
You can't let this rule you. And you're not. This sucks, but it's good.
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[ he sounds dubious and he looks dubious. ]
Yeah, this is real good. Panic attacks at a brand new job.
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[ she shrugs, feeling a little helpless for not knowing how to word all of this. she isn't good at people, she never has been. ]
You're here when you could be in bed.
[ isn't that something? ]
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[ bed sounded pretty good, actually. it would keep him out of the public eye and keep him away from water. ]
I don't know. I don't know what to do about this. Or how to deal with it. I'm just...I'm tired of it.
[ he wants to feel better right now. he wants to get over this immediately. ]
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