[ he feels that splash of her anger, and the nature of the empathy bond means he understands it as something aimed at herself, and like hers, his guilt starts to trickle in. he let himself be distressed, be angry, be upset, and now jyn is angry at herself for thinking she caused it. ]
[ his arms tighten around her despite how gentle she's still cradling him, and he lifts his head up to look at her, almost pleading. ]
Please do not be angry with yourself. There is no easy solve for this. You are not to blame for what I am feeling. [ maybe he should just go back to not feeling things!! if she's going to be hurt by it!! ]
[ what a terrible cycle. sometimes he really hate the empathy bond. ]
she is firm on that, at least. the cave cracked open on the beach and jyn feels all sorts of things now, but anger has always been her partner in crime. looking down, she cradles his face in her hands, offering him the full range of her emotions: loss, grief, fury, sorrow, happiness and love. ]
[ he draws a comfort from her hands cradling his face, and she can feel that just as he can feel everything coming from her. what she also gets in return is surprise, a warmness from her words that he doesn't know what to make of. ]
[ to help make life livable instead of taking life away isn't something he thought he was capable of either, but he can literally feel the honesty from jyn. it swells in him and makes him feel important in a new way. ]
I want that. If we cannot have a life at home, I want to make ours livable here. Whatever we feel about our galaxy... does not have to change that, right?
their past happened, it's painted on their wall and their memories. they can't escape or hide from the past, they can't kill it because it existed and it happened. and it's over. there is no such thing as a fresh start, even in a world so unlike their own, their lives happened.
[ it's not that he doubted it, but her words do seem to temper more of his initial panic attack. he breathes out and closes his eyes, letting her touch be a comfort while he grapples with his feelings. ]
[ he supposes it can't be fixed in a simple hour - he just doesn't want to box it up again either. he's tired of pretending it didn't matter, because it should matter. there are things in his past he doesn't want to touch yet, but they're still there, and maybe he is allowed to be angry over them. she is too, and if they're doing to create something livable together they can't ignore what's troubling them in the present. ]
I want to stay a team with you, and I want to... navigate all this with you. I want us to let ourselves be angry, but not enough to pick fights or pretend nothing is wrong.
I am not sure how to handle this... frustration, or even what I am feeling half the time, but I want to figure it out with you anyway.
[ ah. she knows the picking fights bit it specifically directed at her and normally she would bristle but if either of them are pretending nothing is wrong, cassian is doing it more so she's mollified that he drags them both. ]
We can figure it out, [ she reiterates, determined. it might not take a day, it might take a hundred, but there is no one else she would want to figure this out with.
he has had her back since jedha, of course he is going to have her back here. she is going to have his back in return, that's why they're such a good team. they destroyed the death star, them, their team. it wouldn't have been possible without them. if they can do that, they can keep taking the next chance and figure out how to be people too.
[ he called out both of them, because he knows that the both of them have their issues with this. that's got to be a good step, owning up to his own setbacks instead of, you know, ignoring them. ] That means you have to talk to me, instead of going to the fighting rings to let it out. I have to stop swallowing it all up, pretending what I want does not matter. We both have to get better at talking about these things.
Can we try that?
[ he knows she hates talking. he does too, but they both handle it much differently. at least jyn gets it out through other venues. cassian knows he caps off far too much. his conversation with han, this one with jyn, it's churned up so much anger he desperately hoped to hide, but it has given him clarity elsewhere too, and that much settles from being in her arms. ]
I want to get old with you now.
[ he wanted to see the post-rebellion world back home. he can't. but it doesn't mean he can't let himself figure out new things to want. like her. ]
[ her nose wrinkles, reflexively. consider, she talk to him but then also go beat a grown man to a pulp? that could be just as good a plan and jyn is about to float it to mr plans on plans on plans when he hits her with a gut punch that makes the air rush out of her lungs in with a surprised noise like she really wants punched in the stomach.
she knew, she has always known that they were the end of the line for each other. this whole fight was borne from her frustration that he (they) wouldn't get to grow old. it shouldn't come as a surprise now that cassian admits he wants to grow old with her.
and yet. ]
Yeah? Good thing I promised not to die again, huh?
[ that's as close as she can get to taking the affection gracefully, but her eyes sparkle with unshed tears of absolute terrified joy. she doesn't want a single thing more than she wants to grow old with cassian, come hell or high water or death stars.
she has already died in his arms, growing old with him is the only logical next step. ]
[ for two seconds he worries that he's said too much too soon, that she might walk it back, that even though he is letting himself be so open it's going to backfire because when does he ever get nice things? only that doesn't happen, and her face lights up, scared and happy at once; he's nearly made her cry, but not in a bad way. he can feel it. ]
I promise too.
[ he lets go of her waist, but only so he can reach up and cradle her face between his hands, pulling her down so he can kiss her. it's as gentle as it is whole, like he is sealing the promise. to get old with her. to stay with her, regardless of what happened to them in the past. ]
[ she misses the comfortable hug for a moment before he replaces it with a kiss and jyn easily melts into his touch. it doesn't take much longer for her to sink down into his lap, perched on one of his legs so she can more easily reach him without hurting her back.
their lives have made them ill-equipped to exist outside of war, jyn struggles daily with how to function without the empire at her back, she isn't good at it. her coworkers are exhausting with their petty concerns, the displaced can be exhausting with their petty concerns.
at least with cassian she doesn't have to put up a front. ]
What if I still beat people up but also talk about my feelings?
[ ugh gross, but also compromise. this wasn't too hard when they'd both committed to actually talking. before he can answer she steals another brief kiss. ]
[ oh, this is nice. as much as he welcomed her earlier hold on him, he likes her being in close now, the weight of her very real and warm, and he lets go of her face, but only so he can wrap his arms around her whole self instead. to keep her there. it continues to be easy to kiss her, probably (definitely) much easier than any talking. but if they can be so free with affection, he thinks they can learn to be freer with their words too. ]
[ at least with each other. ]
You can beat up as many people as you want, as long as you talk to me and do not freeze me out. [ it is maybe not the best thing to agree to, but she is kissing him again. he steals another one of his own, then rests his forehead to hers. he would never dream of trying to stop her from going to the rings, but. ] Let me worry about you too, please. I do not want to feel like I am not... allowed.
[ there are a lot of feelings he didn't think he was allowed to have, and now he'd rather decide which ones can exist instead. good and bad and in between. ]
[ jyn struggles with worry. bad shit is going to happen, her life is a parade of it, and worrying about it doesn't feel productive or useful so she refuses to let herself fall into that. her ability to avoid her own emotions is frankly magnificent if you ignore the fact that she definitely needs therapy.
but cassian worries and she doesn't want to deny him that emotion even if she doesn't like it. maybe the lesson she could take from this is to be less worrisome, but she will not.
her nose bumps his affectionately. ]
I'm not going to like it all the time, but you are always allowed.
[ it helps, knowing cassian would never stop her from fighting or doing what she thinks is necessary -- to a point, he proved in new beijing that he can also direct her necessary action down the least reckless path -- but she is self-aware enough to know she will be shit at communicating effectively.
[ a smile flickers on his face when she bumps his nose. somehow the tiniest pieces of affection always seem to hit him the hardest. he feels so much with jyn. it's like being a human, however messy and traumatized and terrified of it they are. ]
You do not have to like it. There are a lot of things I feel that I do not like. I don't even know what half of them are sometimes, but they are mine. [ that feels important. they existed, in their old universe, in this one. hers too. ]
[ the war wrecked him, but it's over and it mattered, and now he is here, with arms full of jyn and love lodged in his chest. maybe it's not their galaxy, but it's still home beside her, and it's still a future that always seemed out of his grasp. they can take the learning curve as a team, like most else. ]
It's our second chance. Let's take it and learn together. Mistakes and feelings and all that is between.
[ neither of them realized they were in love for months, this isn't a revelation. they have the emotional range of turnips -- unless it comes to hating themselves, in which case they have both found many varied ways to channel that particular feeling.
but she softens, knowing she can't say no to cassian. not when it comes to something like this. ]
Even if I make a lot of mistakes?
[ despite the way her nose scrunches up, she isn't seeking an out. however horrifying the prospect, jyn is looking for a reassurance that no matter how much she struggles with the appropriate response to an emotion, cassian will still be there by her side. ]
[ her worry, like most things they share between them, mirrors his. there's a lot about this that's scary, and cassian doesn't know any better what he's doing. he can shoot a man with his eyes closed, but romancing jyn is another field. ]
You do not have the monopoly on mistakes.
[ he knows they're both going to make them, but maybe acknowledging that in advance will... help. he brushes his lips against hers. he can give her reassurances, and take them for himself too. ]
I love you, Jyn. That is always going to be true, regardless of our missteps.
[ jyn feels like she makes enough mistakes to have at least enough of a stake in mistake making to control the market. she does not make the mistake of arguing her monopoly though so clearly she is actually listening. ]
I love you, too.
[ she knows he likes to hear it, more than she does. she can exist with just the feeling but she knows cassian likes the verbal reassurance, likes the communication. and considering this whole fight started with her lack of communication...
[ arguing about making mistakes feels like it would be right up their alley. ]
[ warmth flutters in when she says she loves him, because he never gets tired of hearing it. no matter how much he knows it to be true, he likes the sound of it out loud, he likes the reminder. it always seems to surprise him to be loved. ]
[ his hold on her tightens, briefly, and he kisses her temple, barely resisting the urge to say thank you. thank you for loving him. ]
[ cassian was always the one with the hope, steadfast, enduring, persistent hope that lit up the people around him. rebellions weren't built on hope, not really. rebellions were built on people like cassian who clung to hope with everything they had, people who made hope into reality.
of course he has hope in the two of them. ]
In fifty years I'll admit you were right.
[ but not now. not when they've got fifty years ahead of them. ]
[ he's about to argue, but then it clicks that she's said in fifty years. another little bit of confirmation that she does want to stay with him, grow old with him, that he is already right because she's agreeing to make their future anyway. he had hope for the rebellion; he can have hope for jyn too. ]
[ he smiles at her, leaning in to kiss her yet again. ] I am taking that as a win, you realize. I can wait the fifty years to hear you say it.
Doesn't count unless I say it, [ jyn argues, because she can't not argue. it's built into her personality and this kind of petty bickering is enjoyable, especially when it is peppered with kisses.
or more.
she pushes him back on the bed, leaning down to follow him. that heavy emotional hangover of having feelings is pressing down on her, but she knows the best way to chase it away is replacing it with something happy. kissing her boyfriend makes her very happy. ]
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[ his arms tighten around her despite how gentle she's still cradling him, and he lifts his head up to look at her, almost pleading. ]
Please do not be angry with yourself. There is no easy solve for this. You are not to blame for what I am feeling. [ maybe he should just go back to not feeling things!! if she's going to be hurt by it!! ]
[ what a terrible cycle. sometimes he really hate the empathy bond. ]
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[ to blame for what she is feeling.
she is firm on that, at least. the cave cracked open on the beach and jyn feels all sorts of things now, but anger has always been her partner in crime. looking down, she cradles his face in her hands, offering him the full range of her emotions: loss, grief, fury, sorrow, happiness and love. ]
You... are what makes everything else livable.
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[ to help make life livable instead of taking life away isn't something he thought he was capable of either, but he can literally feel the honesty from jyn. it swells in him and makes him feel important in a new way. ]
I want that. If we cannot have a life at home, I want to make ours livable here. Whatever we feel about our galaxy... does not have to change that, right?
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[ that's all that matters.
their past happened, it's painted on their wall and their memories. they can't escape or hide from the past, they can't kill it because it existed and it happened. and it's over. there is no such thing as a fresh start, even in a world so unlike their own, their lives happened.
but they get to keep living. ]
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[ he supposes it can't be fixed in a simple hour - he just doesn't want to box it up again either. he's tired of pretending it didn't matter, because it should matter. there are things in his past he doesn't want to touch yet, but they're still there, and maybe he is allowed to be angry over them. she is too, and if they're doing to create something livable together they can't ignore what's troubling them in the present. ]
I want to stay a team with you, and I want to... navigate all this with you. I want us to let ourselves be angry, but not enough to pick fights or pretend nothing is wrong.
I am not sure how to handle this... frustration, or even what I am feeling half the time, but I want to figure it out with you anyway.
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We can figure it out, [ she reiterates, determined. it might not take a day, it might take a hundred, but there is no one else she would want to figure this out with.
he has had her back since jedha, of course he is going to have her back here. she is going to have his back in return, that's why they're such a good team. they destroyed the death star, them, their team. it wouldn't have been possible without them. if they can do that, they can keep taking the next chance and figure out how to be people too.
together.
they haven't spent all their chances yet. ]
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Can we try that?
[ he knows she hates talking. he does too, but they both handle it much differently. at least jyn gets it out through other venues. cassian knows he caps off far too much. his conversation with han, this one with jyn, it's churned up so much anger he desperately hoped to hide, but it has given him clarity elsewhere too, and that much settles from being in her arms. ]
I want to get old with you now.
[ he wanted to see the post-rebellion world back home. he can't. but it doesn't mean he can't let himself figure out new things to want. like her. ]
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she knew, she has always known that they were the end of the line for each other. this whole fight was borne from her frustration that he (they) wouldn't get to grow old. it shouldn't come as a surprise now that cassian admits he wants to grow old with her.
and yet. ]
Yeah? Good thing I promised not to die again, huh?
[ that's as close as she can get to taking the affection gracefully, but her eyes sparkle with unshed tears of absolute terrified joy. she doesn't want a single thing more than she wants to grow old with cassian, come hell or high water or death stars.
she has already died in his arms, growing old with him is the only logical next step. ]
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I promise too.
[ he lets go of her waist, but only so he can reach up and cradle her face between his hands, pulling her down so he can kiss her. it's as gentle as it is whole, like he is sealing the promise. to get old with her. to stay with her, regardless of what happened to them in the past. ]
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their lives have made them ill-equipped to exist outside of war, jyn struggles daily with how to function without the empire at her back, she isn't good at it. her coworkers are exhausting with their petty concerns, the displaced can be exhausting with their petty concerns.
at least with cassian she doesn't have to put up a front. ]
What if I still beat people up but also talk about my feelings?
[ ugh gross, but also compromise. this wasn't too hard when they'd both committed to actually talking. before he can answer she steals another brief kiss. ]
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[ at least with each other. ]
You can beat up as many people as you want, as long as you talk to me and do not freeze me out. [ it is maybe not the best thing to agree to, but she is kissing him again. he steals another one of his own, then rests his forehead to hers. he would never dream of trying to stop her from going to the rings, but. ] Let me worry about you too, please. I do not want to feel like I am not... allowed.
[ there are a lot of feelings he didn't think he was allowed to have, and now he'd rather decide which ones can exist instead. good and bad and in between. ]
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[ jyn struggles with worry. bad shit is going to happen, her life is a parade of it, and worrying about it doesn't feel productive or useful so she refuses to let herself fall into that. her ability to avoid her own emotions is frankly magnificent if you ignore the fact that she definitely needs therapy.
but cassian worries and she doesn't want to deny him that emotion even if she doesn't like it. maybe the lesson she could take from this is to be less worrisome, but she will not.
her nose bumps his affectionately. ]
I'm not going to like it all the time, but you are always allowed.
[ it helps, knowing cassian would never stop her from fighting or doing what she thinks is necessary -- to a point, he proved in new beijing that he can also direct her necessary action down the least reckless path -- but she is self-aware enough to know she will be shit at communicating effectively.
she is very behind on that learning curve. ]
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[ a smile flickers on his face when she bumps his nose. somehow the tiniest pieces of affection always seem to hit him the hardest. he feels so much with jyn. it's like being a human, however messy and traumatized and terrified of it they are. ]
You do not have to like it. There are a lot of things I feel that I do not like. I don't even know what half of them are sometimes, but they are mine. [ that feels important. they existed, in their old universe, in this one. hers too. ]
[ the war wrecked him, but it's over and it mattered, and now he is here, with arms full of jyn and love lodged in his chest. maybe it's not their galaxy, but it's still home beside her, and it's still a future that always seemed out of his grasp. they can take the learning curve as a team, like most else. ]
It's our second chance. Let's take it and learn together. Mistakes and feelings and all that is between.
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but she softens, knowing she can't say no to cassian. not when it comes to something like this. ]
Even if I make a lot of mistakes?
[ despite the way her nose scrunches up, she isn't seeking an out. however horrifying the prospect, jyn is looking for a reassurance that no matter how much she struggles with the appropriate response to an emotion, cassian will still be there by her side. ]
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You do not have the monopoly on mistakes.
[ he knows they're both going to make them, but maybe acknowledging that in advance will... help. he brushes his lips against hers. he can give her reassurances, and take them for himself too. ]
I love you, Jyn. That is always going to be true, regardless of our missteps.
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I love you, too.
[ she knows he likes to hear it, more than she does. she can exist with just the feeling but she knows cassian likes the verbal reassurance, likes the communication. and considering this whole fight started with her lack of communication...
she owes him ]
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[ warmth flutters in when she says she loves him, because he never gets tired of hearing it. no matter how much he knows it to be true, he likes the sound of it out loud, he likes the reminder. it always seems to surprise him to be loved. ]
[ his hold on her tightens, briefly, and he kisses her temple, barely resisting the urge to say thank you. thank you for loving him. ]
I think we can do it. Make our own future.
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of course he has hope in the two of them. ]
In fifty years I'll admit you were right.
[ but not now. not when they've got fifty years ahead of them. ]
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[ he smiles at her, leaning in to kiss her yet again. ] I am taking that as a win, you realize. I can wait the fifty years to hear you say it.
[ she'll be there, that's what counts. ]
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or more.
she pushes him back on the bed, leaning down to follow him. that heavy emotional hangover of having feelings is pressing down on her, but she knows the best way to chase it away is replacing it with something happy. kissing her boyfriend makes her very happy. ]