realists | open ✧ the time to fight is now

She needed a reasonable excuse to ignore him.

She's a terrible person.

Her breath comes out on a sigh, shoulders lifting in a silent shrug she doesn't know if he even sees because she's avoiding looking at him again. "Sometimes."

He doesn't see it, but the water ripples with the movement and he can see her shrugging in his head as she sighs. He turns himself in the water, looking to catch her face at a better angle.

There's something cagey in her posture again. She's not looking at him.

"And the rest of the time?"

"Walking, farming, visiting my mother. Avoiding you." Like now, when she ducks under the water like a startled mermaid, feet kicking at the surface before they too disappear. She pops up like a buoy a moment later, hair plastered to her cheeks before she shoves it back with wet fingers.

"You make me nervous," she blurts out like she's expelling sea water after CPR. The water is apparently better at getting her to open up than expensive therapy. "Not you, but the idea of you? I lose everything I care about so I wanted to keep you-- away. So if you decided to leave, it wouldn't. Hurt. And I thought if we were on Lah'mu when you decided to wash your hands of all this, it would just be one less planet I'd try to avoid."

He's not surprised she was avoiding him, but he is surprised she admits it, even if she literally dives underwater two seconds after.

Cassian keeps his eyes on her while she continues. It's not a heavy stare, but it is an understanding one. He wants to take her hand to keep her from running - or swimming - away again, but he also needs both his to stay afloat.

So instead he just swims himself closer to her. Jyn's life is full of abandonment, and he knows that. It doesn't mean he agreed with her views on the Rebellion at all, but he does understand it. "Any desire or want to leave this planet is not because of you. You being here makes it easier to stay."

It feels like the water is keeping his emotions afloat as much as his body. "I found myself wanting to follow you far more than I was comfortable with. You are not the only one made nervous by ideas. I have spent a lot of time here worried you were going to leave without a word, that you would not come back one day." He's been just as afraid of her leaving, if he's being honest. "It would be nice if you could stop avoiding me now, if we are going to try - this."

Whatever this is. They still haven't really clarified.

"I can try." She's not going to promise she will immediately be better because that is just a huge lie. Which doesn't seem useful right now. A frown settles more firmly on her stubborn mouth, how was he worried about her leaving? Honestly. She doesn't have anyone or anything left in the galaxy, just him.

"What... is this?"

He smiles. "Thank you."

Jyn likes to run, okay? If she saw him and was scared of what they could be, Cassian wouldn't be surprised if she left to avoid dealing with it.

Or at least, he would have been afraid of it yesterday. Today feels better.

He opens his mouth, closes it. "I think it is just... us. Together." He makes a face, because that feels like too little, but on the other hand he's worried about making it sound like too much. Cassian feels nervous, like no matter what he says is going to make her dive underwater again. "I want you. I want to be with you. If that makes it a relationship, I'm willing to try one."

Phrases and words he'd never thought he'd use, right there.

"Okay."

Her mother, her father, Saw, Bodhi and Chirrut and Baze, everyone she's ever loved has left her. And time and time again, Cassian has come back for her. On Jedha, on Eadu, on Yavin, on Scarif; he was always coming back for her. Knowing that doesn't lessen the fear that he's going to change his mind and even her acquiescence sounds like hedging. Agreeing for the sake of agreeing. But it's threaded through with the truth:

She'll try.

But more importantly, "You want me, Cassian Andor?"

It feels like something presses out a little more of the tension, every 'okay' another sign that Jyn isn't going to leave. It's a promise she'll try, and that's all he could ask for, since all he can do in return is try just as much. If he didn't know her, it would sound like a lackluster response.

"Okay," he says too. What a big, brave new world out there. A tiny shift, but the first hurdle feels like it's been jumped. It still worries him, a little bit, but the chances feel higher. "Maybe we can get to a yes."

He wonders what K2 would be saying right now.

His lips twitch, fighting a grin. Cassian swims himself a little closer. "Is that a problem for you, Jyn Erso?"

"No."

Which is kind of a yes in it's own right and a little scowl flickers across her expression though her eyes are alight with giddy amusement, she refuses to give in.

"Look at you, swimming." Maybe she can divert the subject before she finds herself in trouble.

Cassian rolls his eyes. At least he's finding himself more amused than annoyed when she's difficult now.

He stops swimming. "Look at you, trying to change the conversation you started." He hovers in the water, like he's afraid to get closer, even if she still looks like she's in a good mood. "I'm not here to try and make you uncomfortable if that's it."

Too much too soon?? Internal flailing?? It's probably not it but he's worried anyway.

She's not uncomfortable, per se, beyond being uncomfortable with emotions and conversation in the first place. She didn't bother with either for a very long time and before it had a point, it wasn't just a meandering conversation with no predetermined end when she got what she wanted out of it.

She finds the idea of possibilities stretching endless before her to be daunting, to say the least.

"I'm not uncomfortable," she assures him, lifting a hand to splash a bit of water at him as a physical reminder that right now she is wonderfully chill. "Keep swimming and I'll keep talking." Her decision is quick and oddly reasonable. It's probably a trap. Or else just a very fair give and take: physical therapy in exchange for Jyn's voice like a strange retelling of the Little Mermaid.

He grins when she splashes him, feeling the unnecessary tension slip from his shoulders when she does that and reassures him. Jyn's a terrible liar, or maybe he can just read her well - either way, he feels better when she says so out loud, even if he never really thought so in the first place.

Feelings are weird. But he does start to swim again, if it could be called that. His arms are gonna be in even better shape if he keeps this up, the easy cut through the water as he lets his legs float mostly uselessly under him. His movements aren't as fast as hers, but they work.

Cassian doesn't need her to talk to enjoy spending time with her, but he does like the sound of her voice. And her good mood, he likes that too.

Soon he will have arms like Jyn and Michelle Obama. Jyn swims back away from him, like a chase, swishing around in the water like an otter. She still doesn't go far and all her movements tend to bring her back in front of him, probably without her even realizing. It's just gravity.

"I want you, too," she admits, looking at the stars and the moon and the planet's ring and not Cassian Andor himself. Honesty is terrifying. "And it scares me."

Even though he knows the chances of him slipping underwater and necessitating her help are slim, it's still a comfort that she never strays very far. One less thing to worry about.

His eyes snap to her face, following her line of sight to glance at the stars before he looks back at her. Cassian stills in the water, as much as one can. "I am scared too. I don't think we need to suddenly pretend we're not. But I don't think we will be scared forever either."

He splashes a little to keep himself upright. "No one said we had to figure everything out immediately. But I'm glad we're on the same page."

"Okay." It's still not a yes but this one at least sounds hopeful. Telling her she doesn't have to immediately have to succeed is exactly what she needed to hear, an assurance that failure isn't final, this isn't as life and death as the rest of their lives. She swims back a few feet until she can touch the sand again, straightening up with a cascade of water slipping over her pale skin.

"Come on, Andor. I'll make us a snack." Her head tips with a self-depricating smile because since when can Jyn cook? But she will suffer in order to put a momentary pause on feeling too many emotions. She is tired, he probably is too, and he definitely needs to give his poor body a break, but it's all Jyn and her appetite that has thus far seemed non-existent. "I'm starving."

Cassian likes the sound of that 'okay' much better than the last one. His face breaks into the smallest of smiles, far more complacent with her agreement now. He trails after her through the water, because he doesn't want to be that far from her for safety reasons as well as his own reasons.

He watches the water fall over her. "Make one or find one?" Cassian reaches the sand sooner than she did by virtue of being taller, but it's easier to swim, so he keeps using his arms to stay afloat a little longer, only standing up once he's close to her. His leg feels wobbly from the exertion, and he reaches out to her arm to steady himself.

"Make one!" Jyn protests with a laugh, even as her wrist twists to grip his arm automatically. "Just because I choose not to cook, doesn't mean I can't cook." Which is true. Jyn can cook approximately three things, but she can cook them.

Her eyes flicker over his damp clothes which are no doubt weighing him down and her smile slants into a brief frown before she seems to decide something. Still holding on to his arm, she turns around to face away from him which leaves her back pressed up against his chest and his arm curved across her stomach. "Alright, climb up." Her free hand taps just below his hip, clearly urging him to clamber onto her back.

Gonna piggy bag his butt back to the house.

He looks at her skeptically but not without amusement. Realistically of course she'd know how to make something, even the most basic of rations; no one can survive the galaxy like either of them did without some sort of ability to cook. "I'll believe it when I see it," he says, almost teasing.

Cassian really should have shed some of his clothes before slipping into the water, because now that they're soaked they are weighting him down, and throwing him more off balance that they might normally simply because his leg is still weak. His breath catches when she moves and tucks herself against him, and he resists a very real urge to hug his arm tightly at her waist. "I can walk," it's not a no, just a reminder. "Can you take my weight?"

Genuine question. He knows Jyn is stronger than she looks, but he does have size on her.

"I'm not going to dignify that with a response." That is kind of a response in it's own right, but Jyn ignores that fact because it's stupid. She waits a few beats before realizing that she should let go of his arm so he can heft himself up.

She lets go reluctantly.

What is she going to cook though? She doesn't really have a lot in her repertoire. Hmm.

IT WAS A VALID CONCERN.

He misses her arm as soon as she pulls it away, but it doesn't feel like the time to pull it back either. Cassian takes a moment to decide whether or not he really wants to do this, wondering if it makes him weak somehow, that he's giving in and not walking himself back to the house.

Then he puts his hands on her shoulders and uses his arms to haul himself on her back, knowing he probably doesn't have the strength to use his lower body for it. His injured leg hangs awkwardly, but he can't quite bend it the way it needs to be for a comfortable carry.

He is also definitely tall enough that he's not that far away from the ground, toes still dragging in the sand. It's not his fault Jyn is smol.

Edited 2017-03-02 04:43 (UTC)

There is a long moment where Jyn doesn't move and it seems like maybe she is not strong enough, then she hooks one arm beneath his good leg, idly grateful that her fucked up shoulder is on the same side as his fucked up leg so she doesn't even have to think about stretching that arm back. She gives him a little bounce to heft him up to a more comfortable position for her, using her free hand to coax his arms around his neck. He's so warm and solid part of her wonders how she could have been afraid of hurting him further when they'd first arrived on the planet.

She sets off with little struggle, arm firm around his good leg, hand curled around one of his wrists. She's slower than her usual too quick to be casual stride, but that's the only sign she's being slowed down by the hundred plus pounds of extra weight. Her ease in the water translates to an ease in the wet sand. Jyn is just better outside, always. She is meant to be in nature.

"You know you owe me one of these now." And she will make him pay up eventually, when he least expects it.

It's a very odd sensation to be conscious and carried. Cassian can count on one hand the number of times that happened, and all of them were when he was far younger. When she doesn't move, he considers just climbing down, but Jyn settles herself soon enough and she's off, leaving him pleasantly surprised but also not surprised at all.

He tucks his arms comfortably around her shoulders and neck and tries not to think about how it feels to be pressed against her like this. They're still wet from the dip in the lake, and he can feel the way her muscles move as she walks.

When she speaks up, he smiles and feels lucky she can't see it. "I didn't even ask for mine though."

Jyn's been carried before but it's usually... away. Kicking and screaming. Bodily picked up and dragged away so she wouldn't deck someone. She doesn't actually mind being small most of the time, being underestimated works to her advantage, but it sucks when she is small enough to just be picked up and moved if need be. The fact that that happened on more than one occasion probably says something bad about her temper.

Anyway, she grunts a (not really) disagreeable noise. "You never would. 's why I offered." She didn't even offer though, she just made it a forgone conclusion so Cassian would have to argue with her if he wanted to say no. Her chin tucks down to nudge his arm, cold lips briefly touching his damp skin before she straightens up again, licking her lips. She hums before murmuring, "You taste salty."

He could lift her easily, he knows. The harder part is always envisioned as keeping her in his grip, because Jyn probably wouldn't take kindly to it even if she couldn't walk.

He's still glad she can't see his smile, because she's right. He never would ask. If anyone else had offered other than Jyn, he doesn't think he'd be on their back right now.

But then her lips touch his skin and he stiffens, briefly, wishing he wasn't pressed against her because she definitely felt it. "You may have noticed we were just swimming in mineral water. I'm sure it's the same for you."

She definitely feels it and definitely feels like it's a sign she's done something wrong. Maybe that was too much or too soon or too idly affectionate that it's not allowed in their nebulous Thing she doesn't want to talk about again because it was scary enough an hour ago. She silently resolves to not do that again and continues plodding forward up the small dunes and across the grass to get to the front door.

"You're probably right."

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject

no subject