I was never going to! There was no future for me, Jyn, regardless of what you think I could have done better!
[ she is so insistent he could have grown old but cassian can't fathom it. he doesn't want to think about the possibility of it because he doesn't want to spiral down that path, he just wants to lock it away like everything else. maybe she's right, but he doesn't want her to be, he doesn't want to consider growing old when it doesn't matter. he's already dead. ]
[ there is a very long pause. maybe she's fighting again, maybe she's having a panic attack in a broom closet, maybe she's struggling to put the words together. ]
I don't think you could have done better, you saved the galaxy. I wish you'd been able to see it.
[ doesn't matter what he thinks, her guilt is alive and well. her father helped build that machine because of her, how can she not feel guilt? how can she pretend all that blood isn't on her hands? ]
I do not blame you. Please do not ever think that I do. Do not take the reasons I went to Scarif from me.
I went to Scarif because it was the right thing to do. Because without the Rebellion, I would have just been a murderer. I still am, and none of that is because of anything you did. We all went because we believed in the fight and the necessity of that mission.
The Rebellion was always going to be the death of me, Jyn. With or without the Death Star.
and she opens the front door, dropping her bag inside the bathroom and then stopping there. her knuckles are bruised and bloody, she has a split lip, her hair is a mess. ]
[ oh no she's HOME and he is not over his panic attack, what is he supposed to do about that! he rubs at his face and tries to focus on his breathing. he probably has a little window before she comes into the bedroom and finds him, sitting on the edge of their bed hunched over. it's FINE. ]
[ that isn't fair either, but jyn doesn't bother voicing that childish thought. life isn't fair; she learned that early on, staring at a patch of grass stained rust red with her mother's blood and her home smoldering behind her. trying to dictate fairness in the galaxy is futile.
she washes her hands until the water runs clear, swiping a washcloth across her lip until blood stops dripping down her chin. ]
You can get used to anything.
[ she was used to prison after six months. that doesn't make it easy. ]
[ it probably doesn't, but that's what he's always told himself. ]
[ she is washing up in the bathroom, which definitely suggests some manner of injury from the fighting rings and his worry intermingles with his self loathing; he vastly prefers the worry, and maybe it'll be something else for him to focus on whenever she comes in. he counts instead, pinching the bridge of his nose. ]
[ they shouldn't have to get used to their awful lives, it's not... she keeps coming back to how unfair everything is and the repetition in her own head only serves to fuel her frustration.
the water turns off and she drifts into the closet, changing out of her work clothes and pulling on a tank top and sweater for sleep. her pajama pants were on the bedroom floor so she assumes they're on the bed now, but she has no qualms moving into their bedroom in her underwear. she grabs the pants and wriggles into them. ]
[ he's still sitting stiffly on the edge of bed when she comes in, back towards her, trying not to think about the idea of getting old anymore. at least his breathing is under control now, and he's not as hunched over. ]
It is. Yes. [ he can hear the frustration in her voice like he can feel his own simmering, but unlike her ability to just let it exist, cassian has a hard time not trying to swallow it up. ]
[ once her pants are on, slouchy sweater half caught in the lopsided waistband, one leg still half rolled up from the way she moves in her sleep, she circles the bed to stand in front of him.
she shifts into his space, stepping between his knees and wrapping her arms carefully around his shoulders to draw him into a hug. he's stiff, reluctant, fingers curled against the edge of the bed as if it is holding him upright. undeterred, jyn ducks down to kiss the top of his head. ]
I have a caveat to our no more dying rule. [ her voice cracks, feeling the sorrow crash down on her again. ] Not until we are very, very old.
[ older than every single one of those council senators, older than krennic, old enough that no one could look at them and think "they died too young" ]
[ he shudders under her affection, leaning into it after a moment, even if he still hesitates to wrap his arms around her too. he wants to hold some of his pieces together now that he's picked them back up. ]
[ he already died, and he's sure it's meant to be comfort rule but it just churns back up his complicated feelings about getting old. he does want it. he wanted to live and see the end, no matter how much he told himself he never would, didn't deserve to anyway. ]
I wanted - [ he draws in a quiet but deep breath, shuddering again though this time it isn't from her touch. ] I wanted to see it. To get old. I thought it didn't matter. But it does. It did. I always knew I would die for the Rebellion but that doesn't mean I wanted to, Jyn.
[ maybe he doesn't have to pretend otherwise anymore. ]
[ she bows her head against his, fingers knotting in his hair, taking small comfort in the familiarity.
cassian had expected to die for the rebellion, jyn had expected to die in prison, but that didn't mean they wanted to die. she thinks it is worse for him -- cassian had fought so hard for so long, carving away parts of himself in the name of the rebellion, letting himself die slowly for a cause he gave his heart to. ]
I know.
[ they had entire lives ahead of them, burned away on that beach, and they have every right to be upset. it was bound to come out eventually, but han's arrival simply precipitated a break down they maybe should have had months and months ago. a future they would never see was intangible, easy to ignore, someone that was there and lived to see the future is impossible to ignore. ]
[ she practically curls in around him, and he gives up the fight, reaching out to wrap his arms around her waist and pulling her towards him. he buries his face against her chest, letting himself sit in the comfort of her embrace and her hands winding through his hair. he's allowing himself a lot of things today. ]
[ he knows he probably doesn't deserve any of his wishes, but he lets himself and jyn wish for the future anyway. they both met han, they both got smacked with the idea of the future in a very real way. a rebellion general, roughly their own age, now old with an entire life behind him beyond the rebellion. cassian gave up his entire life for the fight, and he doesn't regret the importance of it. ]
[ but it aches how much he realizes he wanted more than that, one day, and how that chance in his own world doesn't exist anymore. ]
I never wanted to give myself that hope. I am glad to know it exists but it - [ he shudders, not quite crying but feeling like he could. ] I don't know what to do with such a wish.
[ jyn wishes she had kept her mouth shut, packed her own death away like she had done with her mother and father and saw, neat little boxes stacked away in the back of her mind never to be looked at again. instead she let the wound open up again and now cassian is hurting. the anger at herself comes easily, as always, anger at being helpless to fix anything.
it doesn't change her gentle hold on him, the way her fingers comb through his hair, but flashes of her helpless anger come through the bond regardless. ]
[ he feels that splash of her anger, and the nature of the empathy bond means he understands it as something aimed at herself, and like hers, his guilt starts to trickle in. he let himself be distressed, be angry, be upset, and now jyn is angry at herself for thinking she caused it. ]
[ his arms tighten around her despite how gentle she's still cradling him, and he lifts his head up to look at her, almost pleading. ]
Please do not be angry with yourself. There is no easy solve for this. You are not to blame for what I am feeling. [ maybe he should just go back to not feeling things!! if she's going to be hurt by it!! ]
[ what a terrible cycle. sometimes he really hate the empathy bond. ]
she is firm on that, at least. the cave cracked open on the beach and jyn feels all sorts of things now, but anger has always been her partner in crime. looking down, she cradles his face in her hands, offering him the full range of her emotions: loss, grief, fury, sorrow, happiness and love. ]
[ he draws a comfort from her hands cradling his face, and she can feel that just as he can feel everything coming from her. what she also gets in return is surprise, a warmness from her words that he doesn't know what to make of. ]
[ to help make life livable instead of taking life away isn't something he thought he was capable of either, but he can literally feel the honesty from jyn. it swells in him and makes him feel important in a new way. ]
I want that. If we cannot have a life at home, I want to make ours livable here. Whatever we feel about our galaxy... does not have to change that, right?
their past happened, it's painted on their wall and their memories. they can't escape or hide from the past, they can't kill it because it existed and it happened. and it's over. there is no such thing as a fresh start, even in a world so unlike their own, their lives happened.
[ it's not that he doubted it, but her words do seem to temper more of his initial panic attack. he breathes out and closes his eyes, letting her touch be a comfort while he grapples with his feelings. ]
[ he supposes it can't be fixed in a simple hour - he just doesn't want to box it up again either. he's tired of pretending it didn't matter, because it should matter. there are things in his past he doesn't want to touch yet, but they're still there, and maybe he is allowed to be angry over them. she is too, and if they're doing to create something livable together they can't ignore what's troubling them in the present. ]
I want to stay a team with you, and I want to... navigate all this with you. I want us to let ourselves be angry, but not enough to pick fights or pretend nothing is wrong.
I am not sure how to handle this... frustration, or even what I am feeling half the time, but I want to figure it out with you anyway.
[ ah. she knows the picking fights bit it specifically directed at her and normally she would bristle but if either of them are pretending nothing is wrong, cassian is doing it more so she's mollified that he drags them both. ]
We can figure it out, [ she reiterates, determined. it might not take a day, it might take a hundred, but there is no one else she would want to figure this out with.
he has had her back since jedha, of course he is going to have her back here. she is going to have his back in return, that's why they're such a good team. they destroyed the death star, them, their team. it wouldn't have been possible without them. if they can do that, they can keep taking the next chance and figure out how to be people too.
[ he called out both of them, because he knows that the both of them have their issues with this. that's got to be a good step, owning up to his own setbacks instead of, you know, ignoring them. ] That means you have to talk to me, instead of going to the fighting rings to let it out. I have to stop swallowing it all up, pretending what I want does not matter. We both have to get better at talking about these things.
Can we try that?
[ he knows she hates talking. he does too, but they both handle it much differently. at least jyn gets it out through other venues. cassian knows he caps off far too much. his conversation with han, this one with jyn, it's churned up so much anger he desperately hoped to hide, but it has given him clarity elsewhere too, and that much settles from being in her arms. ]
I want to get old with you now.
[ he wanted to see the post-rebellion world back home. he can't. but it doesn't mean he can't let himself figure out new things to want. like her. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ she is so insistent he could have grown old but cassian can't fathom it. he doesn't want to think about the possibility of it because he doesn't want to spiral down that path, he just wants to lock it away like everything else. maybe she's right, but he doesn't want her to be, he doesn't want to consider growing old when it doesn't matter. he's already dead. ]
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I don't think you could have done better, you saved the galaxy. I wish you'd been able to see it.
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I don't want to think about seeing it. I can't.
But it still does not make it any bit your fault.
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[ doesn't matter what he thinks, her guilt is alive and well. her father helped build that machine because of her, how can she not feel guilt? how can she pretend all that blood isn't on her hands? ]
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I went to Scarif because it was the right thing to do. Because without the Rebellion, I would have just been a murderer. I still am, and none of that is because of anything you did. We all went because we believed in the fight and the necessity of that mission.
The Rebellion was always going to be the death of me, Jyn. With or without the Death Star.
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I hate that.
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and she opens the front door, dropping her bag inside the bathroom and then stopping there. her knuckles are bruised and bloody, she has a split lip, her hair is a mess. ]
It's not fair.
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No. But I am used to things not being fair.
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she washes her hands until the water runs clear, swiping a washcloth across her lip until blood stops dripping down her chin. ]
You can get used to anything.
[ she was used to prison after six months. that doesn't make it easy. ]
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[ it probably doesn't, but that's what he's always told himself. ]
[ she is washing up in the bathroom, which definitely suggests some manner of injury from the fighting rings and his worry intermingles with his self loathing; he vastly prefers the worry, and maybe it'll be something else for him to focus on whenever she comes in. he counts instead, pinching the bridge of his nose. ]
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[ they shouldn't have to get used to their awful lives, it's not... she keeps coming back to how unfair everything is and the repetition in her own head only serves to fuel her frustration.
the water turns off and she drifts into the closet, changing out of her work clothes and pulling on a tank top and sweater for sleep. her pajama pants were on the bedroom floor so she assumes they're on the bed now, but she has no qualms moving into their bedroom in her underwear. she grabs the pants and wriggles into them. ]
It's kriffing garbage.
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It is. Yes. [ he can hear the frustration in her voice like he can feel his own simmering, but unlike her ability to just let it exist, cassian has a hard time not trying to swallow it up. ]
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she shifts into his space, stepping between his knees and wrapping her arms carefully around his shoulders to draw him into a hug. he's stiff, reluctant, fingers curled against the edge of the bed as if it is holding him upright. undeterred, jyn ducks down to kiss the top of his head. ]
I have a caveat to our no more dying rule. [ her voice cracks, feeling the sorrow crash down on her again. ] Not until we are very, very old.
[ older than every single one of those council senators, older than krennic, old enough that no one could look at them and think "they died too young" ]
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[ he already died, and he's sure it's meant to be comfort rule but it just churns back up his complicated feelings about getting old. he does want it. he wanted to live and see the end, no matter how much he told himself he never would, didn't deserve to anyway. ]
I wanted - [ he draws in a quiet but deep breath, shuddering again though this time it isn't from her touch. ] I wanted to see it. To get old. I thought it didn't matter. But it does. It did. I always knew I would die for the Rebellion but that doesn't mean I wanted to, Jyn.
[ maybe he doesn't have to pretend otherwise anymore. ]
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cassian had expected to die for the rebellion, jyn had expected to die in prison, but that didn't mean they wanted to die. she thinks it is worse for him -- cassian had fought so hard for so long, carving away parts of himself in the name of the rebellion, letting himself die slowly for a cause he gave his heart to. ]
I know.
[ they had entire lives ahead of them, burned away on that beach, and they have every right to be upset. it was bound to come out eventually, but han's arrival simply precipitated a break down they maybe should have had months and months ago. a future they would never see was intangible, easy to ignore, someone that was there and lived to see the future is impossible to ignore. ]
I wish you'd had the chance to see it.
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[ he knows he probably doesn't deserve any of his wishes, but he lets himself and jyn wish for the future anyway. they both met han, they both got smacked with the idea of the future in a very real way. a rebellion general, roughly their own age, now old with an entire life behind him beyond the rebellion. cassian gave up his entire life for the fight, and he doesn't regret the importance of it. ]
[ but it aches how much he realizes he wanted more than that, one day, and how that chance in his own world doesn't exist anymore. ]
I never wanted to give myself that hope. I am glad to know it exists but it - [ he shudders, not quite crying but feeling like he could. ] I don't know what to do with such a wish.
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it doesn't change her gentle hold on him, the way her fingers comb through his hair, but flashes of her helpless anger come through the bond regardless. ]
I don't know either.
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[ his arms tighten around her despite how gentle she's still cradling him, and he lifts his head up to look at her, almost pleading. ]
Please do not be angry with yourself. There is no easy solve for this. You are not to blame for what I am feeling. [ maybe he should just go back to not feeling things!! if she's going to be hurt by it!! ]
[ what a terrible cycle. sometimes he really hate the empathy bond. ]
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[ to blame for what she is feeling.
she is firm on that, at least. the cave cracked open on the beach and jyn feels all sorts of things now, but anger has always been her partner in crime. looking down, she cradles his face in her hands, offering him the full range of her emotions: loss, grief, fury, sorrow, happiness and love. ]
You... are what makes everything else livable.
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[ to help make life livable instead of taking life away isn't something he thought he was capable of either, but he can literally feel the honesty from jyn. it swells in him and makes him feel important in a new way. ]
I want that. If we cannot have a life at home, I want to make ours livable here. Whatever we feel about our galaxy... does not have to change that, right?
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[ that's all that matters.
their past happened, it's painted on their wall and their memories. they can't escape or hide from the past, they can't kill it because it existed and it happened. and it's over. there is no such thing as a fresh start, even in a world so unlike their own, their lives happened.
but they get to keep living. ]
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[ he supposes it can't be fixed in a simple hour - he just doesn't want to box it up again either. he's tired of pretending it didn't matter, because it should matter. there are things in his past he doesn't want to touch yet, but they're still there, and maybe he is allowed to be angry over them. she is too, and if they're doing to create something livable together they can't ignore what's troubling them in the present. ]
I want to stay a team with you, and I want to... navigate all this with you. I want us to let ourselves be angry, but not enough to pick fights or pretend nothing is wrong.
I am not sure how to handle this... frustration, or even what I am feeling half the time, but I want to figure it out with you anyway.
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We can figure it out, [ she reiterates, determined. it might not take a day, it might take a hundred, but there is no one else she would want to figure this out with.
he has had her back since jedha, of course he is going to have her back here. she is going to have his back in return, that's why they're such a good team. they destroyed the death star, them, their team. it wouldn't have been possible without them. if they can do that, they can keep taking the next chance and figure out how to be people too.
together.
they haven't spent all their chances yet. ]
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Can we try that?
[ he knows she hates talking. he does too, but they both handle it much differently. at least jyn gets it out through other venues. cassian knows he caps off far too much. his conversation with han, this one with jyn, it's churned up so much anger he desperately hoped to hide, but it has given him clarity elsewhere too, and that much settles from being in her arms. ]
I want to get old with you now.
[ he wanted to see the post-rebellion world back home. he can't. but it doesn't mean he can't let himself figure out new things to want. like her. ]
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