Life isn't about hearing only the answer you want to hear.
( not on the things that matter to him, at least. it's like avoiding looking to Makkachin and knowing he's an old dog, and what else that means. not knowing hurts worst than having an answer, unpalatable as it might be. )
It's why I wouldn't tell someone they should ask. Only see if they're willing.
When you spend your life hearing things you don't want to hear, [ jyn counters, familiar bitterness creeping back into her tone. ] You stop asking.
[ it's not fair to snap at victor because jyn is aware that their lives have been completely different. this is the reason she turned her back on the rebellion in the first place, all her life has done is take things away from her. ]
( it's a fair enough point. he inclines his head forward; he won't take that away from her. not even if he could. )
It might come down to hope, in the end. Like in the story of Pandora's box.
( sometimes the only thing left behind is hope, and faith that whatever you learn, it cannot be worse than what you imagine for yourself as having happened, as happening right now, in the blindness of your ignorance. at least for this. at least regarding a friend; regarding the people he loves. )
I'm sorry he's gone. I won't inflict myself on you for any longer, Jyn. I'd wanted to ask about any insight you had into self defense... but I feel that's a conversation better left for another time. Ah, though perhaps? You might send more than texts to Cassian. He tried telling me Kay had been taking care of him the last few days.
( Kay, who had been with Victor on planet, with the rescue runs. )
It's as you said. Being familiar with something doesn't always mean you handle it better. Just that you might know some of how it goes.
( a softer voice, since it's not just about concussions: it's about grief, and loss, and mysteries. it's about how you move forward. about finding a life that's so utterly different from what you used to know. )
[ why is it always hope? she'd yelled hope to the council to force them to act and it hadn't been enough. even knowing that they'd succeeded and the death star was destroyed and the empire defeated, hope doesn't come easily for her. especially right now. ]
He used to be better liar. [ she is not a fan of being called out on obviously being a shit friend to cassian because she let her own emotions get in the way of taking care of him when he was genuinely injured.
of everything, that's the only thing she responds to because victor is right across the board. hope, yes. not the time for talking to jyn about anything, yes. she should actually be there for cassian, yes. and having your entire life full of death and loss does not for a moment make you in any way better equipped to handle it. jyn knows loss better than anything else in her life, happiness all but a myth, but no loss was ever easy for her and they don't look to be getting easier either. losing bodhi hurt by itself but it also came tied around feeling like she was losing her father all over again, the last link she had to him vanished. ]
( because it is hope, against every odd, that refuses to die. that will live beyond the point of believability. hope, because not even faith is necessarily that strong. )
He may. As he is now, I think he's found reasons why some lies are less important.
( implication: the lies that say he doesn't need anyone. lies Victor understands, because it had taken Yuuri to show him how to truly rely on anyone else, and that has not been easy. it has been rocky and rough and there is love and it is not always enough, or even close to enough. but he's learning.
he's had months of a head start and a hell of a kinder life. still. he turns, one hand in his back pocket, the other lifted in a partial wave. he'll let himself out, past the evidence of pain and misery. back into the halls bearing their own evidence, and he will wish the both of them well. )
Be as well as you can, Jyn.
( I've ignored life and love for twenty years. one doesn't have to share the same life story to have made similar mistakes. and they both, he thinks, are younger than he. here; as long as they have here, they have a chance. which is why he needs to know what happens.
because they are not the only ones relying on a here to keep them breathing. )
[ it's almost irritating but more depressing that victor's genuine kindness makes her feel like the worst kind of person. she's seen it before, in new fresh faced rebels and bodhi, sweet bodhi; their second glances when jyn's survival instincts went against kindness and compassion or even basic human decency.
she's made of sharp edges to protect a soft heart.
the door is closing behind him when jyn finally manages, ] Yeah. [ she doesn't stop him, wouldn't, turning to slump down in her chair. the delcious smelling pastry he'd brought her remains untouched. ]
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( not on the things that matter to him, at least. it's like avoiding looking to Makkachin and knowing he's an old dog, and what else that means. not knowing hurts worst than having an answer, unpalatable as it might be. )
It's why I wouldn't tell someone they should ask. Only see if they're willing.
no subject
[ it's not fair to snap at victor because jyn is aware that their lives have been completely different. this is the reason she turned her back on the rebellion in the first place, all her life has done is take things away from her. ]
no subject
It might come down to hope, in the end. Like in the story of Pandora's box.
( sometimes the only thing left behind is hope, and faith that whatever you learn, it cannot be worse than what you imagine for yourself as having happened, as happening right now, in the blindness of your ignorance. at least for this. at least regarding a friend; regarding the people he loves. )
I'm sorry he's gone. I won't inflict myself on you for any longer, Jyn. I'd wanted to ask about any insight you had into self defense... but I feel that's a conversation better left for another time. Ah, though perhaps? You might send more than texts to Cassian. He tried telling me Kay had been taking care of him the last few days.
( Kay, who had been with Victor on planet, with the rescue runs. )
It's as you said. Being familiar with something doesn't always mean you handle it better. Just that you might know some of how it goes.
( a softer voice, since it's not just about concussions: it's about grief, and loss, and mysteries. it's about how you move forward. about finding a life that's so utterly different from what you used to know. )
no subject
He used to be better liar. [ she is not a fan of being called out on obviously being a shit friend to cassian because she let her own emotions get in the way of taking care of him when he was genuinely injured.
of everything, that's the only thing she responds to because victor is right across the board. hope, yes. not the time for talking to jyn about anything, yes. she should actually be there for cassian, yes. and having your entire life full of death and loss does not for a moment make you in any way better equipped to handle it. jyn knows loss better than anything else in her life, happiness all but a myth, but no loss was ever easy for her and they don't look to be getting easier either. losing bodhi hurt by itself but it also came tied around feeling like she was losing her father all over again, the last link she had to him vanished. ]
no subject
He may. As he is now, I think he's found reasons why some lies are less important.
( implication: the lies that say he doesn't need anyone. lies Victor understands, because it had taken Yuuri to show him how to truly rely on anyone else, and that has not been easy. it has been rocky and rough and there is love and it is not always enough, or even close to enough. but he's learning.
he's had months of a head start and a hell of a kinder life. still. he turns, one hand in his back pocket, the other lifted in a partial wave. he'll let himself out, past the evidence of pain and misery. back into the halls bearing their own evidence, and he will wish the both of them well. )
Be as well as you can, Jyn.
( I've ignored life and love for twenty years. one doesn't have to share the same life story to have made similar mistakes. and they both, he thinks, are younger than he. here; as long as they have here, they have a chance. which is why he needs to know what happens.
because they are not the only ones relying on a here to keep them breathing. )
no subject
she's made of sharp edges to protect a soft heart.
the door is closing behind him when jyn finally manages, ] Yeah. [ she doesn't stop him, wouldn't, turning to slump down in her chair. the delcious smelling pastry he'd brought her remains untouched. ]