[ there, that is settled, they will attempt to sort out feelings and discuss them. that sounds... well, it sounds horrible because it's the two things jyn hates the most, talking and feelings. but. she supposes she's invested.
and now he wants to kiss her and she finds she is weirdly invested in that so her head jerks in a nod. ]
Yeah, alright. [ a kiss before bed, that is fair and acceptable and normal. she can handle that. ]
[he gets a little happy thrill when she says yes, almost like maybe he assumed she'd say no.]
[trying not to be nervous about it, he leans in carefully. his nose accidentally brushes hers in the process, but he presses his lips to hers in a very soft and sweet kiss. it lingers for a few seconds, but there's no expectation of more.]
[when he pulls back, it's not very far given his forehead is still against hers.] Okay?
[ even though she is an uncommunicative, emotional basket case and even though this is all toeing the line of too much for her to handle, every time he kisses her she finds that she simply ceases to think about anything else. it's a span of a few seconds, but it's a few seconds of singular focus on something as easy as a kiss.
the way her body moves to chase him when he pulls away is unconscious, as instinctive as anything and she breathes out the faintest little noise of disappointment when he speaks because that means it's over. ]
Okay. [ but a moment later she leans in for a kiss of her own design, just as soft and sweet, fingers absently clutching at the fabric of his shirt until this brief kiss too is over. ]
[she moves in closer, even sounds disappointed, and he nearly kisses her again over it. how fortunate! that she does it first!]
[his hand moves into her hair, but it's gentle. he smiles against her mouth, and it's so very tempting to just keep kissing her - but it's been a long night. they need to sleep. they need to see how everything is in the morning.]
[he pulls away again, playing with her hair for a few seconds, but then both his hands drop to her sides and he grabs her, rolling her over him back to her usual side of the bed. it sort of pins her closer to the wall because he hasn't wriggled away into his side yet, but he's getting there.]
[ jyn is so wrapped up in the warmth of kissing him that she doesn't process the way his hands move until it's too late and she's been bodily moved to the other side of the bed with a startled bleat. ]
Seriously? [ she punches him in the chest lightly. ] You couldn't last one night?
[oh. something she wants! he doesn't want to deny her, and he also kind of likes this. he likes facing her, but he also knows himself and knows he'll be awake until he can see the door.]
[he puts his hand over hers on his shirt.] Can I lay on my back?
[ guess they're not sleeping. it's not even that jyn is being stubborn, she genuinely wants to unpack why after six months here cassian still needs to see the door to sleep.
she knows why -- it's safer, it's how they were trained, if you can see a threat coming you have a leg up. except, he sleeps with her, sometimes heavily enough that she catches him snoring faintly, heavily enough that when she wakes up in the middle of the night it takes her sitting up to wake him up as well. being able to see the door will do shit in that case because he sees nothing coming. ]
Paranoia, probably. [a sad but honest answer!] I know I roll over in my sleep, but I have to see it to fall asleep.
When I am - was - undercover, seeing the door was a line of defense. [he idly taps her fingers under his. he wants to wind them together, but he worries it'll be too much. he's going to worry a lot of things are too much now.]
It's - [he pauses, again with that worry.] It's easier, with you. I trust you. But I have to see it, or I just think too much about it.
[ it isn't too much, because jyn winds their fingers together for him, losing her grip on his shirt in the process, but gaining a grip on his hand. he said was. he corrected himself to make his past the past.
she wants to kiss him again for that. she doesn't, but she wants to and that's a new urge. she ignores it for now, she can unpack it later. ]
I get it. 's the same reason you're between me and the door. [ he would die first and she cares about him more than anything, but that kind of self-preservation is hard to lose overnight. ] You can sleep however you want to sleep.
[she took his hand!! yes. good. great! he squeezes her fingers, resisting the urge to kiss her knuckles.]
It has worked out nicely for both of us so far. [it's a system that has brought them both better sleep than they've had in ages. even if he still likes this, and likes curling up behind her too. for now though, after a few long seconds, he tilts backwards so he's laying on his back like he'd asked before. his free arm lifts up tentatively, welcoming her closer, all the while they're still holding hands.]
Like this. If you... [want?? to curl in?? this way she can still see him, and he can see both her AND the door. it's a win-win situation, jyn.]
[ jyn scoots in. it isn't all that different from how she usually curls up against him, he just doesn't happen to be facing the same direction as her anymore and she has no use for a pillow because his chest is right there for her to rest on. it's more his bony shoulder, but same thing. her nose brushes his throat briefly before she draws back the tiniest bit.
too close. ]
One day. I do like sleeping on my other side, you know.
[they wriggle and adjust and it's comfortable. they don't usually talk about how they want to sleep, just move in to whatever either or both of them are feeling. he doesn't feel like he makes a very comfortable a pillow, but jyn doesn't seem to mind, so he just tucks his arm around her a tiny bit.]
[her nose tickles his throat, and his jaw tightens for those few seconds, but then she pulls back and okay. this is okay. this is pretty normal, he supposes.]
I will kill you in your sleep if you try, [ she murmurs idly, tugging the blankets up around her more securely. once she's burrowed under the blankets to her comfort level, she sort of sinks down in her spot with an exhale, closing her eyes.
[he smiles, feeling the last traces of his self preservation disappearing like always when it comes to jyn. is it really vanishing though, when he feels this safe?]
[cassian squeezes her hand back and feels his body relaxing beside hers. comfortable. ready for sleep. warm. always warm, with her. he lets his eyes close too.]
[ jyn doesn't know what this fluttery feeling is in her belly. (it's not desire, that is hot and spread through her like the warmth of sinking into a too hot tub, almost painful in its intensity.) no, this is softer and warmer somehow, like sunlight on her cheeks.
she had been at peace in death, satisfied with the hope that someone was listening, at home in cassian's arms. death wasn't as terrible a thing as she had imagined ever since she'd seen her mother murdered in front of her. it was her choice in the end, as it was lyra's, as it was saw's. a family tradition, as it were.
but something cassian had said months ago wriggles to the forefront of her half asleep brain and the thought of it has her curling tighter against him. there are things worse than death, she finally agrees: she could have lived without cassian. somewhere, somehow, at some point in time, the idea of that became unbearable.
she tells herself, more asleep than awake, to think about that later, to tell him that, but it slips away entirely as sleep pulls her under. ]
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and now he wants to kiss her and she finds she is weirdly invested in that so her head jerks in a nod. ]
Yeah, alright. [ a kiss before bed, that is fair and acceptable and normal. she can handle that. ]
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[trying not to be nervous about it, he leans in carefully. his nose accidentally brushes hers in the process, but he presses his lips to hers in a very soft and sweet kiss. it lingers for a few seconds, but there's no expectation of more.]
[when he pulls back, it's not very far given his forehead is still against hers.] Okay?
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the way her body moves to chase him when he pulls away is unconscious, as instinctive as anything and she breathes out the faintest little noise of disappointment when he speaks because that means it's over. ]
Okay. [ but a moment later she leans in for a kiss of her own design, just as soft and sweet, fingers absently clutching at the fabric of his shirt until this brief kiss too is over. ]
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[his hand moves into her hair, but it's gentle. he smiles against her mouth, and it's so very tempting to just keep kissing her - but it's been a long night. they need to sleep. they need to see how everything is in the morning.]
[he pulls away again, playing with her hair for a few seconds, but then both his hands drop to her sides and he grabs her, rolling her over him back to her usual side of the bed. it sort of pins her closer to the wall because he hasn't wriggled away into his side yet, but he's getting there.]
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Seriously? [ she punches him in the chest lightly. ] You couldn't last one night?
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You know I cannot fall asleep with my back to the door, Jyn. [and she wanted to go back to being the big spoon, so this was the solution!!]
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And what if I want to sleep like this? [ he's facing away from the door. she also scoots back so he can't grab her and roll her over again. ]
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[he puts his hand over hers on his shirt.] Can I lay on my back?
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[ guess they're not sleeping. it's not even that jyn is being stubborn, she genuinely wants to unpack why after six months here cassian still needs to see the door to sleep.
she knows why -- it's safer, it's how they were trained, if you can see a threat coming you have a leg up. except, he sleeps with her, sometimes heavily enough that she catches him snoring faintly, heavily enough that when she wakes up in the middle of the night it takes her sitting up to wake him up as well. being able to see the door will do shit in that case because he sees nothing coming. ]
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When I am - was - undercover, seeing the door was a line of defense. [he idly taps her fingers under his. he wants to wind them together, but he worries it'll be too much. he's going to worry a lot of things are too much now.]
It's - [he pauses, again with that worry.] It's easier, with you. I trust you. But I have to see it, or I just think too much about it.
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she wants to kiss him again for that. she doesn't, but she wants to and that's a new urge. she ignores it for now, she can unpack it later. ]
I get it. 's the same reason you're between me and the door. [ he would die first and she cares about him more than anything, but that kind of self-preservation is hard to lose overnight. ] You can sleep however you want to sleep.
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It has worked out nicely for both of us so far. [it's a system that has brought them both better sleep than they've had in ages. even if he still likes this, and likes curling up behind her too. for now though, after a few long seconds, he tilts backwards so he's laying on his back like he'd asked before. his free arm lifts up tentatively, welcoming her closer, all the while they're still holding hands.]
Like this. If you... [want?? to curl in?? this way she can still see him, and he can see both her AND the door. it's a win-win situation, jyn.]
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too close. ]
One day. I do like sleeping on my other side, you know.
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[her nose tickles his throat, and his jaw tightens for those few seconds, but then she pulls back and okay. this is okay. this is pretty normal, he supposes.]
I could move you back to the other side.
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she gives his hand a small squeeze. ]
Good night, Captain.
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[cassian squeezes her hand back and feels his body relaxing beside hers. comfortable. ready for sleep. warm. always warm, with her. he lets his eyes close too.]
Good night, Jyn.
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she had been at peace in death, satisfied with the hope that someone was listening, at home in cassian's arms. death wasn't as terrible a thing as she had imagined ever since she'd seen her mother murdered in front of her. it was her choice in the end, as it was lyra's, as it was saw's. a family tradition, as it were.
but something cassian had said months ago wriggles to the forefront of her half asleep brain and the thought of it has her curling tighter against him. there are things worse than death, she finally agrees: she could have lived without cassian. somewhere, somehow, at some point in time, the idea of that became unbearable.
she tells herself, more asleep than awake, to think about that later, to tell him that, but it slips away entirely as sleep pulls her under. ]