[ it's like his fall cracked him wide open, and not just physically. he just assumed he wouldn't live long enough to have to deal with his feelings, and in some ways he was right, but then - this. this second chance, where he gets to love jyn and maybe learn to if not love himself maybe forgive himself. ]
If I am going to try, you need to try too. [ he knows this is all brought about by his injury, but they're so tangled together in this he can't ignore it. she said so herself, it's not tenable. for either of them. ]
[ his whole body is still tense, but he suspects it's going to take a while to settle - partly because he doesn't want to quell his frustration right now. ]
I do not - I do not know how to start. I do not want to ignore it anymore, but what else is there? Yell into a pillow?
[ his tone is very sarcastic on that last note. ] How are we supposed to fix ourselves, Jyn?
[ maybe yelling in a pillow would work. jyn gets it out running, even more now since they'd moved out of their eleven story walk up so running was the only activity to release all her energy, but that isn't a feasible therapy for cassian. all of jyn's therapeutic activities were physical -- she exhausted herself until she numbed the feelings to something she could handle. ]
I guess... we ask for help. Go to medical, go to. [ she swallows back the idea of therapy because she doesn't want to have to explain their whole lives for context of why they're so young and so fucked up. ] We talk about it, even if it's just with each other. I don't know, Captain, but if you're in then I'm in. Promise.
[ he doesn't want to let go of his anger right now, because he's worried about whatever else might take his place. his anger is a comfort, and he understands more deeply now why it's jyn's default defense. ]
I have never been able to ask for help before. [ not like this. he lost in parents, fell into an anarchist cell, and they took care of him. the rebellion took him in next, but cassian always put off himself because there was never any time for that. ]
When I dropped you, it was like the universe trying to tell me... how dare you want something? You cannot ask for something, for yourself. I struggle with it all the time, and now to have this physical barrier.
[ he drops his head back against the wall, closes his eyes. his face is lined with frustration more than pain, preferring the emotional feeling to the physical one. after a few moments he opens his eyes again, looking over at her. ] For the medical, will you - will you come with me?
[ he knows she just said they're in this together, but he has to ask anyway. ] I am in.
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If I am going to try, you need to try too. [ he knows this is all brought about by his injury, but they're so tangled together in this he can't ignore it. she said so herself, it's not tenable. for either of them. ]
[ his whole body is still tense, but he suspects it's going to take a while to settle - partly because he doesn't want to quell his frustration right now. ]
I do not - I do not know how to start. I do not want to ignore it anymore, but what else is there? Yell into a pillow?
[ his tone is very sarcastic on that last note. ] How are we supposed to fix ourselves, Jyn?
no subject
[ maybe yelling in a pillow would work. jyn gets it out running, even more now since they'd moved out of their eleven story walk up so running was the only activity to release all her energy, but that isn't a feasible therapy for cassian. all of jyn's therapeutic activities were physical -- she exhausted herself until she numbed the feelings to something she could handle. ]
I guess... we ask for help. Go to medical, go to. [ she swallows back the idea of therapy because she doesn't want to have to explain their whole lives for context of why they're so young and so fucked up. ] We talk about it, even if it's just with each other. I don't know, Captain, but if you're in then I'm in. Promise.
no subject
I have never been able to ask for help before. [ not like this. he lost in parents, fell into an anarchist cell, and they took care of him. the rebellion took him in next, but cassian always put off himself because there was never any time for that. ]
When I dropped you, it was like the universe trying to tell me... how dare you want something? You cannot ask for something, for yourself. I struggle with it all the time, and now to have this physical barrier.
[ he drops his head back against the wall, closes his eyes. his face is lined with frustration more than pain, preferring the emotional feeling to the physical one. after a few moments he opens his eyes again, looking over at her. ] For the medical, will you - will you come with me?
[ he knows she just said they're in this together, but he has to ask anyway. ] I am in.