If I hadn't shown up you could have been a General, Cassian.
[ in case he thought she was only upset about one thing. check her reducing their combined impact on the war to simple grief that cassian could have lived. of course she needed to hit something. ]
You're a good person, you should have gotten to grow old in the peace that you gave the galaxy.
[ jyn doesn't regret what they did and even now she hates that she is taking credit for a choice he made, letting her guilt hoard his good actions for her own grief, but all the sorrow she had kept packed down for months and months cracked when she spoke to han and saw the future they could have had and now it is seeping out like blood from a fresh wound. ]
[ he is not a good person. he probably didn't deserve to grow old, but it doesn't mean... he hadn't wanted that on some level, evidently. he saw an old man who fought in the rebellion and lived and has seen the proof that it's possible, but it just hurts when he even hedges in the direction of the future of the galaxy as it relates to himself. ]
I was never going to grow old. I do not regret my choices that led me to Scarif. I will never regret finding you on Wobani.
[ he could have had a life, he could have lasted through the war, he'd already lasted far longer than any other intelligence officer. he could have been a general like draven, made the hard choices the council was too cowardly to make. jyn is stuck on what cassian could have been if he hadn't wasted his time chasing her family's legacy of death. ]
I was never going to! There was no future for me, Jyn, regardless of what you think I could have done better!
[ she is so insistent he could have grown old but cassian can't fathom it. he doesn't want to think about the possibility of it because he doesn't want to spiral down that path, he just wants to lock it away like everything else. maybe she's right, but he doesn't want her to be, he doesn't want to consider growing old when it doesn't matter. he's already dead. ]
[ there is a very long pause. maybe she's fighting again, maybe she's having a panic attack in a broom closet, maybe she's struggling to put the words together. ]
I don't think you could have done better, you saved the galaxy. I wish you'd been able to see it.
[ doesn't matter what he thinks, her guilt is alive and well. her father helped build that machine because of her, how can she not feel guilt? how can she pretend all that blood isn't on her hands? ]
I do not blame you. Please do not ever think that I do. Do not take the reasons I went to Scarif from me.
I went to Scarif because it was the right thing to do. Because without the Rebellion, I would have just been a murderer. I still am, and none of that is because of anything you did. We all went because we believed in the fight and the necessity of that mission.
The Rebellion was always going to be the death of me, Jyn. With or without the Death Star.
and she opens the front door, dropping her bag inside the bathroom and then stopping there. her knuckles are bruised and bloody, she has a split lip, her hair is a mess. ]
[ oh no she's HOME and he is not over his panic attack, what is he supposed to do about that! he rubs at his face and tries to focus on his breathing. he probably has a little window before she comes into the bedroom and finds him, sitting on the edge of their bed hunched over. it's FINE. ]
[ that isn't fair either, but jyn doesn't bother voicing that childish thought. life isn't fair; she learned that early on, staring at a patch of grass stained rust red with her mother's blood and her home smoldering behind her. trying to dictate fairness in the galaxy is futile.
she washes her hands until the water runs clear, swiping a washcloth across her lip until blood stops dripping down her chin. ]
You can get used to anything.
[ she was used to prison after six months. that doesn't make it easy. ]
[ it probably doesn't, but that's what he's always told himself. ]
[ she is washing up in the bathroom, which definitely suggests some manner of injury from the fighting rings and his worry intermingles with his self loathing; he vastly prefers the worry, and maybe it'll be something else for him to focus on whenever she comes in. he counts instead, pinching the bridge of his nose. ]
[ they shouldn't have to get used to their awful lives, it's not... she keeps coming back to how unfair everything is and the repetition in her own head only serves to fuel her frustration.
the water turns off and she drifts into the closet, changing out of her work clothes and pulling on a tank top and sweater for sleep. her pajama pants were on the bedroom floor so she assumes they're on the bed now, but she has no qualms moving into their bedroom in her underwear. she grabs the pants and wriggles into them. ]
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I was not looking for a fight like you seem to be.
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We were both going with what you had learned at the time, that is not weak. You did not hurt me with it, Jyn.
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If I hadn't shown up you could have been a General, Cassian.
[ in case he thought she was only upset about one thing. check her reducing their combined impact on the war to simple grief that cassian could have lived. of course she needed to hit something. ]
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There was no way I was ever going to be a General. [ there was no way he saw himself living that long, regardless of scarif. ]
I never even wanted to be one. What happened at Scarif was not your fault. Please do not blame yourself for it, Jyn. I don't.
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[ jyn doesn't regret what they did and even now she hates that she is taking credit for a choice he made, letting her guilt hoard his good actions for her own grief, but all the sorrow she had kept packed down for months and months cracked when she spoke to han and saw the future they could have had and now it is seeping out like blood from a fresh wound. ]
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I was never going to grow old. I do not regret my choices that led me to Scarif. I will never regret finding you on Wobani.
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[ he could have had a life, he could have lasted through the war, he'd already lasted far longer than any other intelligence officer. he could have been a general like draven, made the hard choices the council was too cowardly to make. jyn is stuck on what cassian could have been if he hadn't wasted his time chasing her family's legacy of death. ]
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[ she is so insistent he could have grown old but cassian can't fathom it. he doesn't want to think about the possibility of it because he doesn't want to spiral down that path, he just wants to lock it away like everything else. maybe she's right, but he doesn't want her to be, he doesn't want to consider growing old when it doesn't matter. he's already dead. ]
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I don't think you could have done better, you saved the galaxy. I wish you'd been able to see it.
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I don't want to think about seeing it. I can't.
But it still does not make it any bit your fault.
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[ doesn't matter what he thinks, her guilt is alive and well. her father helped build that machine because of her, how can she not feel guilt? how can she pretend all that blood isn't on her hands? ]
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I went to Scarif because it was the right thing to do. Because without the Rebellion, I would have just been a murderer. I still am, and none of that is because of anything you did. We all went because we believed in the fight and the necessity of that mission.
The Rebellion was always going to be the death of me, Jyn. With or without the Death Star.
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I hate that.
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and she opens the front door, dropping her bag inside the bathroom and then stopping there. her knuckles are bruised and bloody, she has a split lip, her hair is a mess. ]
It's not fair.
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No. But I am used to things not being fair.
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she washes her hands until the water runs clear, swiping a washcloth across her lip until blood stops dripping down her chin. ]
You can get used to anything.
[ she was used to prison after six months. that doesn't make it easy. ]
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[ it probably doesn't, but that's what he's always told himself. ]
[ she is washing up in the bathroom, which definitely suggests some manner of injury from the fighting rings and his worry intermingles with his self loathing; he vastly prefers the worry, and maybe it'll be something else for him to focus on whenever she comes in. he counts instead, pinching the bridge of his nose. ]
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[ they shouldn't have to get used to their awful lives, it's not... she keeps coming back to how unfair everything is and the repetition in her own head only serves to fuel her frustration.
the water turns off and she drifts into the closet, changing out of her work clothes and pulling on a tank top and sweater for sleep. her pajama pants were on the bedroom floor so she assumes they're on the bed now, but she has no qualms moving into their bedroom in her underwear. she grabs the pants and wriggles into them. ]
It's kriffing garbage.
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