( fine in tiny little letters that can't find the shift key. also, being not-quite-but-dangit-almost-engaged to someone who suffers from severe anxiety and shuts down when things get to be too much... he's better at hazarding guesses these days. )
I'm an athlete, I'm more concerned about proper muscle to fat ratios than if someone is built to be thick or thin, and even then, only with those I'm coaching!
( going to pick up something and head on over, dududu )
[ yeah, that's good, she'll just distract victor with cassian because his injuries are physical and can be fussed over and jyn is avoiding him for a bit so someone else needs to fuss over him. give kay a break. ]
I'm planning on visiting with Cassian later today. I'll let him know you're worried about him and hoping for his full recovery.
( since clearly that is what is also being said, outside of the obvious "go away and leave me alone." which, frankly, he could listen to. it's his decision to not.
which is why, before too many minutes longer, there's a knock at her door. )
[ she is a bristly as an angry kitten and then he's knocking at the door. it takes longer than usual to open the door and when it slides open the reason is obvious because the door locking mechanism built into the wall is broken. there are scrapes and bruises on jyn's knuckles. it's fairly obvious what happened. ]
I'm not worried about him, [ she says, worried, arms crossing over her chest. she doesn't invite him in. ]
( his eyes skim over the mechanism, catching sight of Jyn's hands only briefly before she's crossing them over her chest. ah. he hands over the bag of baked, savory pastry, smiling pleasantly enough. her body posture, even how she speaks, says otherwise to him. it's a bit like talking with Yurio; the nostalgia is a warm and sad thing in his heart. )
It's natural that you would be. He was concussed, right? Most the cerebral swelling must have gone down by now.
( concussions being not so uncommon in his line of work. regardless: the bag. )
You're just like him. [ she snatches the bag out of victor's hand and steps back to set it on the desk. it's the only opening for him to come in. as much as she obviously cares about cassian, that was not a compliment. she parrots in a perfect facsimile of cassian's accent: ] I've had concussions before. As if that makes it better.
[ jyn's room proper is kind of a mess. the mattress is missing from her bunk because they'd used hers and bodhi's to make their makeshift bed in rogue one, but a nest of blankets has been piled in it's place. a pile of clothes in the corner. she clearly doesn't give a shit about the state of the place.
( he takes the opening, sliding himself on indoors and casting only a casual glance over the area. the missing mattress is perhaps the most surprising part; beyond that, he's seen worse. it's also not why he's here.
though he does agree, voice and tone kept mild. )
It doesn't, you're right. But it does allow for a certain familiarity with the process, which does help, even while it doesn't make it better.
( it is, however, Cassian who verified something that Victor hadn't known beforehand. he levels a look on Jyn; breathing in, then exhaling, knowing there's no good way of breaching this. )
I'd been worried about you. Then I've just heard... about Bodhi having gone missing. How are you holding up?
( in the same mild tone, watching her carefully. he's pretty sure she's not a crier: that's good. he's shit at handling tears. (ask Yuuri.) this is awkward, if sincere, and pairs up with a concern he's had for well over a month now. where are they going? )
[ she is not a crier, no, and she's had enough days to pack down her emotions so that bodhi's name only elicits a hollowing of her eyes. ]
Bodhi didn't go missing, I didn't lose him like a set of keys. [ his mild tone is countered by jyn's which seems to have marinated in its bitterness. ] If he's not here then he's back on Scarif and he's dead.
[ at least rey was alive. it should have been some solace but it wasn't because nothing could change the destruction of scarif and her dreams and nightmares had tried. if cassian ever... it should also be some small solace that bodhi didn't have to know that oros had died beneath them. when you've had front row seats to the destruction of two planets, you don't need to see another. ]
Which is still a loss. Though not like a set of keys.
( He agrees, though he keeps his tone mild even if his eyebrows briefly quirk up. )
What makes you so sure that's the truth of it all?
( questioning because that is something she says with a bitter sort of certainty. one he doesn't share, but isn't calling impossible. he's wanting to understand why she believes this, just like that. )
[ she can't explain that it's a pull deep inside her, a quiet certainty she can't explain or quantify or rationalize. she can almost hear chirrut's bold voice crowing that it's not up to them to rationalize the force, only to trust in it, but jyn hasn't gotten that far.
the fight leaves her. ] Because otherwise he's alone.
( he waits, and he listens to that simple, bald statement. Victor glances down. it's a fear he has too, abstractly for the others he hasn't heard from, pointedly when it comes to the possibility of losing Yuuri. for him? okay, fine. being alone is what he had expected when he got here. not what he wants, not what Jyn wants for Bodhi, not what Jyn or Cassian likely want for each other. not even what he thinks Kay might want for any of the people in his life. )
Which would be my fear, if this happened to Yuuri. Which is why I want to know, not to guess.
( not to be in the same situation he presumes people are in from back home. )
Life isn't about hearing only the answer you want to hear.
( not on the things that matter to him, at least. it's like avoiding looking to Makkachin and knowing he's an old dog, and what else that means. not knowing hurts worst than having an answer, unpalatable as it might be. )
It's why I wouldn't tell someone they should ask. Only see if they're willing.
When you spend your life hearing things you don't want to hear, [ jyn counters, familiar bitterness creeping back into her tone. ] You stop asking.
[ it's not fair to snap at victor because jyn is aware that their lives have been completely different. this is the reason she turned her back on the rebellion in the first place, all her life has done is take things away from her. ]
( it's a fair enough point. he inclines his head forward; he won't take that away from her. not even if he could. )
It might come down to hope, in the end. Like in the story of Pandora's box.
( sometimes the only thing left behind is hope, and faith that whatever you learn, it cannot be worse than what you imagine for yourself as having happened, as happening right now, in the blindness of your ignorance. at least for this. at least regarding a friend; regarding the people he loves. )
I'm sorry he's gone. I won't inflict myself on you for any longer, Jyn. I'd wanted to ask about any insight you had into self defense... but I feel that's a conversation better left for another time. Ah, though perhaps? You might send more than texts to Cassian. He tried telling me Kay had been taking care of him the last few days.
( Kay, who had been with Victor on planet, with the rescue runs. )
It's as you said. Being familiar with something doesn't always mean you handle it better. Just that you might know some of how it goes.
( a softer voice, since it's not just about concussions: it's about grief, and loss, and mysteries. it's about how you move forward. about finding a life that's so utterly different from what you used to know. )
[ why is it always hope? she'd yelled hope to the council to force them to act and it hadn't been enough. even knowing that they'd succeeded and the death star was destroyed and the empire defeated, hope doesn't come easily for her. especially right now. ]
He used to be better liar. [ she is not a fan of being called out on obviously being a shit friend to cassian because she let her own emotions get in the way of taking care of him when he was genuinely injured.
of everything, that's the only thing she responds to because victor is right across the board. hope, yes. not the time for talking to jyn about anything, yes. she should actually be there for cassian, yes. and having your entire life full of death and loss does not for a moment make you in any way better equipped to handle it. jyn knows loss better than anything else in her life, happiness all but a myth, but no loss was ever easy for her and they don't look to be getting easier either. losing bodhi hurt by itself but it also came tied around feeling like she was losing her father all over again, the last link she had to him vanished. ]
( because it is hope, against every odd, that refuses to die. that will live beyond the point of believability. hope, because not even faith is necessarily that strong. )
He may. As he is now, I think he's found reasons why some lies are less important.
( implication: the lies that say he doesn't need anyone. lies Victor understands, because it had taken Yuuri to show him how to truly rely on anyone else, and that has not been easy. it has been rocky and rough and there is love and it is not always enough, or even close to enough. but he's learning.
he's had months of a head start and a hell of a kinder life. still. he turns, one hand in his back pocket, the other lifted in a partial wave. he'll let himself out, past the evidence of pain and misery. back into the halls bearing their own evidence, and he will wish the both of them well. )
Be as well as you can, Jyn.
( I've ignored life and love for twenty years. one doesn't have to share the same life story to have made similar mistakes. and they both, he thinks, are younger than he. here; as long as they have here, they have a chance. which is why he needs to know what happens.
because they are not the only ones relying on a here to keep them breathing. )
[ it's almost irritating but more depressing that victor's genuine kindness makes her feel like the worst kind of person. she's seen it before, in new fresh faced rebels and bodhi, sweet bodhi; their second glances when jyn's survival instincts went against kindness and compassion or even basic human decency.
she's made of sharp edges to protect a soft heart.
the door is closing behind him when jyn finally manages, ] Yeah. [ she doesn't stop him, wouldn't, turning to slump down in her chair. the delcious smelling pastry he'd brought her remains untouched. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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That's good to hear. Are you in your bunk?
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why?
[ SQUINTS what are you up to? ]
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Are you saying I'm too thin, Victor?
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( going to pick up something and head on over, dududu )
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Why don't you check on Cassian? He was injured.
[ yeah, that's good, she'll just distract victor with cassian because his injuries are physical and can be fussed over and jyn is avoiding him for a bit so someone else needs to fuss over him. give kay a break. ]
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( since clearly that is what is also being said, outside of the obvious "go away and leave me alone." which, frankly, he could listen to. it's his decision to not.
which is why, before too many minutes longer, there's a knock at her door. )
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[ she is a bristly as an angry kitten and then he's knocking at the door. it takes longer than usual to open the door and when it slides open the reason is obvious because the door locking mechanism built into the wall is broken. there are scrapes and bruises on jyn's knuckles. it's fairly obvious what happened. ]
I'm not worried about him, [ she says, worried, arms crossing over her chest. she doesn't invite him in. ]
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It's natural that you would be. He was concussed, right? Most the cerebral swelling must have gone down by now.
( concussions being not so uncommon in his line of work. regardless: the bag. )
They're still hot.
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[ jyn's room proper is kind of a mess. the mattress is missing from her bunk because they'd used hers and bodhi's to make their makeshift bed in rogue one, but a nest of blankets has been piled in it's place. a pile of clothes in the corner. she clearly doesn't give a shit about the state of the place.
her arms cross again. ] What do you want.
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though he does agree, voice and tone kept mild. )
It doesn't, you're right. But it does allow for a certain familiarity with the process, which does help, even while it doesn't make it better.
( it is, however, Cassian who verified something that Victor hadn't known beforehand. he levels a look on Jyn; breathing in, then exhaling, knowing there's no good way of breaching this. )
I'd been worried about you. Then I've just heard... about Bodhi having gone missing. How are you holding up?
( in the same mild tone, watching her carefully. he's pretty sure she's not a crier: that's good. he's shit at handling tears. (ask Yuuri.) this is awkward, if sincere, and pairs up with a concern he's had for well over a month now. where are they going? )
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Bodhi didn't go missing, I didn't lose him like a set of keys. [ his mild tone is countered by jyn's which seems to have marinated in its bitterness. ] If he's not here then he's back on Scarif and he's dead.
[ at least rey was alive. it should have been some solace but it wasn't because nothing could change the destruction of scarif and her dreams and nightmares had tried. if cassian ever... it should also be some small solace that bodhi didn't have to know that oros had died beneath them. when you've had front row seats to the destruction of two planets, you don't need to see another. ]
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( He agrees, though he keeps his tone mild even if his eyebrows briefly quirk up. )
What makes you so sure that's the truth of it all?
( questioning because that is something she says with a bitter sort of certainty. one he doesn't share, but isn't calling impossible. he's wanting to understand why she believes this, just like that. )
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the fight leaves her. ] Because otherwise he's alone.
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Which would be my fear, if this happened to Yuuri. Which is why I want to know, not to guess.
( not to be in the same situation he presumes people are in from back home. )
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[ jyn would prefer ignorance. ]
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( not on the things that matter to him, at least. it's like avoiding looking to Makkachin and knowing he's an old dog, and what else that means. not knowing hurts worst than having an answer, unpalatable as it might be. )
It's why I wouldn't tell someone they should ask. Only see if they're willing.
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[ it's not fair to snap at victor because jyn is aware that their lives have been completely different. this is the reason she turned her back on the rebellion in the first place, all her life has done is take things away from her. ]
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It might come down to hope, in the end. Like in the story of Pandora's box.
( sometimes the only thing left behind is hope, and faith that whatever you learn, it cannot be worse than what you imagine for yourself as having happened, as happening right now, in the blindness of your ignorance. at least for this. at least regarding a friend; regarding the people he loves. )
I'm sorry he's gone. I won't inflict myself on you for any longer, Jyn. I'd wanted to ask about any insight you had into self defense... but I feel that's a conversation better left for another time. Ah, though perhaps? You might send more than texts to Cassian. He tried telling me Kay had been taking care of him the last few days.
( Kay, who had been with Victor on planet, with the rescue runs. )
It's as you said. Being familiar with something doesn't always mean you handle it better. Just that you might know some of how it goes.
( a softer voice, since it's not just about concussions: it's about grief, and loss, and mysteries. it's about how you move forward. about finding a life that's so utterly different from what you used to know. )
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He used to be better liar. [ she is not a fan of being called out on obviously being a shit friend to cassian because she let her own emotions get in the way of taking care of him when he was genuinely injured.
of everything, that's the only thing she responds to because victor is right across the board. hope, yes. not the time for talking to jyn about anything, yes. she should actually be there for cassian, yes. and having your entire life full of death and loss does not for a moment make you in any way better equipped to handle it. jyn knows loss better than anything else in her life, happiness all but a myth, but no loss was ever easy for her and they don't look to be getting easier either. losing bodhi hurt by itself but it also came tied around feeling like she was losing her father all over again, the last link she had to him vanished. ]
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He may. As he is now, I think he's found reasons why some lies are less important.
( implication: the lies that say he doesn't need anyone. lies Victor understands, because it had taken Yuuri to show him how to truly rely on anyone else, and that has not been easy. it has been rocky and rough and there is love and it is not always enough, or even close to enough. but he's learning.
he's had months of a head start and a hell of a kinder life. still. he turns, one hand in his back pocket, the other lifted in a partial wave. he'll let himself out, past the evidence of pain and misery. back into the halls bearing their own evidence, and he will wish the both of them well. )
Be as well as you can, Jyn.
( I've ignored life and love for twenty years. one doesn't have to share the same life story to have made similar mistakes. and they both, he thinks, are younger than he. here; as long as they have here, they have a chance. which is why he needs to know what happens.
because they are not the only ones relying on a here to keep them breathing. )
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she's made of sharp edges to protect a soft heart.
the door is closing behind him when jyn finally manages, ] Yeah. [ she doesn't stop him, wouldn't, turning to slump down in her chair. the delcious smelling pastry he'd brought her remains untouched. ]