[he follows her when she moves, eyes adjusting to keep on her face as she leans up. something warm and happy rushes over him when she reiterates she liked kissing him, because - well, she hasn't been the most reassuring about it. it keeps making him nervous.]
[he shoots her a smile like he can't quite believe she does like it. it makes him feel like he did something right.] Okay.
[but honesty. they have to be honest, even more now.] It's something you want too, right? You have not... said. About what you want. You have to tell me - something. Anything.
[he feels like he's been been suggesting so many parameters and she's just rolling with it. he knows she liked it and that she thinks she might be happy. but he doesn't want just agreement, he wants togetherness.]
[ jyn looks down at him for a long moment, mouth set solemnly, before she sinks back down, settling on her side to face him. she's quiet, thoughtful. ]
I don't know what I want -- I want to be here, with you. I thought that was enough.
[ not enough as in she doesn't want to talk about it, but enough as in she doesn't know how to reconcile it not being enough for her anymore. because she does want more but she doesn't know how much or when or how to navigate it. ]
[it's more than she offered before and a comfort in knowing they both seem to want the same sort of things. reading between the lines, a feat he's gotten better at with jyn, he can tell she's saying more. they both want more.]
[but the question still remains how do they! navigate anything remotely related to feelings!]
[he reaches out and brushes his thumb over her cheek.] I don't know how to say it either. But we have to try.
I want to know what you want, even if it takes time. I cannot figure out how to do this with you if you don't help me.
Can we try in the morning? [ it's late and she wants to avoid talking right now, if not forever. she would avoid talking forever if she thought cassian would let her get away with it but she knows that it never going to happen. they're always going to push each other to be better, whether it be honesty or communication.
but she doesn't want to go to sleep feeling like the future is uncertain and fragile. ]
When we-- I don't remember, what it's like living without war. It's always been there, since I was born. [ she knows it's the same for him, children born into a war only for another one to start at its heels. there were pockets of it, she supposes, on lah'mu, on fest. moments of childhood innocence that didn't last long enough. ]
When we were on Scarif, on the beach. [ her shoulders shift awkwardly in a shrug, remembering the soft breeze that had cleared the ash as they collapsed in the sand, the blinding sunrise on the edge of the horizon hurtling toward them. ] I remembered, what peace felt like.
We can try in the morning, and the afternoon, and the next day too. There is no limit. I just - I don't want you to keep agreeing without knowing what you think. It's going to worry me.
[cassian andor, the overthinker.] You can take your time, as long as you talk to me.
[honestly it's four in the morning, they're both exhausted, now probably is not the time to talk. but maybe the fatigue is helpful in its own way, lowering some of their barriers, thinning the filters.]
[except. he brings her peace. he did at some point. that's kind of a lot to think about, because cassian doesn't associate himself with peace. he remembers the beach on scarif and remembers how despite knowing what waited them, he didn't regret following her.]
You make me feel like I am good. Like I could be. Like the endless war did not ruin all of me.
There is no war here. Just... us. And we have made it this far without it. That has to count for something.
[ she's repeating his own words back to him and seems to forget that they were supposed to be discussing kissing and such instead of jyn's sudden desire to make cassian realize he is already good. maybe it has something to do with the bitter words she hurled at him on the ship, fueled by white hot grief and boiling anger.
she'd all but called him a monster and he has still stuck by her side, believed her when the alliance wouldn't. ]
Poe... Poe grew up without a war. That man -- [ she gestures behind her as if poe is right there in the room with them. ] -- is older than us, he didn't know what war was until he was an adult, because of things you did to destabilize the Empire. You... [ her exhale comes on a sigh, still struggling with trying to put how she feels into words. ] You are good, Cassian.
[ and quietly, like an after thought: ] I'm not going to agree to something I don't want, [ he shouldn't be worried that her agreement doesn't match her desires because she's not going to agree if it isn't 100% to her benefit. ]
[she gets a wry smile.] I am trying to believe that.
[she'd called him a stormtrooper and something in him snapped, because it was a direct blow at every single terrible thing he's ever thought of himself. he's done a lot of bad things for good reasons, but he always assumed he might not have a real place after, if he made it that far.]
[he didn't, at least in their own galaxy. but he might have a place here.]
[with her. he wants to be good enough to at least be with her.]
[he moves his thumb over her cheek again, very lightly.] I know that. I know you would never. I just... want to hear it from you too. Agreement is not the same as knowing how or what you feel.
I promise when I know how I feel you will be the first to know.
[ at least when she knows how to articulate this strange feeling. when she knows how to put it in words, he will be the first person she tells. that is her promise.
for now? for now she scoots a little closer and reaches down to drag the blankets up over her. now it's time for bed, she honestly doesn't think she can keep talking without fucking something up. she's been doing too well lately. ]
Alright, roll over.
[ she's still on his side, but she wants to go back to being the big spoon. it means both of them are facing away from the door which plainly means death, but he's just going to have to trust her to protect him for one night. ]
Thank you. [he smiles a little.] That's all I wanted for now. I promise to do the same.
[that seems... solid. as long as she will, he's satisfied. it's really fucking late and it's been a long day of too many emotions for both of them. this whole thing is going to be an ongoing process, but as long as they're always on the same page, he doesn't care how long it takes.]
[he gives her a bit of a Look, because the door jyn. he does not roll over just yet, because, well -]
Can I... kiss you again first? [before they go to bed. he doesn't know if it'd be too much right now!! but he's been looking at her face like this for a while and he wants to. that's what they're trying to figure out here!] I'd like to.
[ there, that is settled, they will attempt to sort out feelings and discuss them. that sounds... well, it sounds horrible because it's the two things jyn hates the most, talking and feelings. but. she supposes she's invested.
and now he wants to kiss her and she finds she is weirdly invested in that so her head jerks in a nod. ]
Yeah, alright. [ a kiss before bed, that is fair and acceptable and normal. she can handle that. ]
[he gets a little happy thrill when she says yes, almost like maybe he assumed she'd say no.]
[trying not to be nervous about it, he leans in carefully. his nose accidentally brushes hers in the process, but he presses his lips to hers in a very soft and sweet kiss. it lingers for a few seconds, but there's no expectation of more.]
[when he pulls back, it's not very far given his forehead is still against hers.] Okay?
[ even though she is an uncommunicative, emotional basket case and even though this is all toeing the line of too much for her to handle, every time he kisses her she finds that she simply ceases to think about anything else. it's a span of a few seconds, but it's a few seconds of singular focus on something as easy as a kiss.
the way her body moves to chase him when he pulls away is unconscious, as instinctive as anything and she breathes out the faintest little noise of disappointment when he speaks because that means it's over. ]
Okay. [ but a moment later she leans in for a kiss of her own design, just as soft and sweet, fingers absently clutching at the fabric of his shirt until this brief kiss too is over. ]
[she moves in closer, even sounds disappointed, and he nearly kisses her again over it. how fortunate! that she does it first!]
[his hand moves into her hair, but it's gentle. he smiles against her mouth, and it's so very tempting to just keep kissing her - but it's been a long night. they need to sleep. they need to see how everything is in the morning.]
[he pulls away again, playing with her hair for a few seconds, but then both his hands drop to her sides and he grabs her, rolling her over him back to her usual side of the bed. it sort of pins her closer to the wall because he hasn't wriggled away into his side yet, but he's getting there.]
[ jyn is so wrapped up in the warmth of kissing him that she doesn't process the way his hands move until it's too late and she's been bodily moved to the other side of the bed with a startled bleat. ]
Seriously? [ she punches him in the chest lightly. ] You couldn't last one night?
[oh. something she wants! he doesn't want to deny her, and he also kind of likes this. he likes facing her, but he also knows himself and knows he'll be awake until he can see the door.]
[he puts his hand over hers on his shirt.] Can I lay on my back?
[ guess they're not sleeping. it's not even that jyn is being stubborn, she genuinely wants to unpack why after six months here cassian still needs to see the door to sleep.
she knows why -- it's safer, it's how they were trained, if you can see a threat coming you have a leg up. except, he sleeps with her, sometimes heavily enough that she catches him snoring faintly, heavily enough that when she wakes up in the middle of the night it takes her sitting up to wake him up as well. being able to see the door will do shit in that case because he sees nothing coming. ]
Paranoia, probably. [a sad but honest answer!] I know I roll over in my sleep, but I have to see it to fall asleep.
When I am - was - undercover, seeing the door was a line of defense. [he idly taps her fingers under his. he wants to wind them together, but he worries it'll be too much. he's going to worry a lot of things are too much now.]
It's - [he pauses, again with that worry.] It's easier, with you. I trust you. But I have to see it, or I just think too much about it.
[ it isn't too much, because jyn winds their fingers together for him, losing her grip on his shirt in the process, but gaining a grip on his hand. he said was. he corrected himself to make his past the past.
she wants to kiss him again for that. she doesn't, but she wants to and that's a new urge. she ignores it for now, she can unpack it later. ]
I get it. 's the same reason you're between me and the door. [ he would die first and she cares about him more than anything, but that kind of self-preservation is hard to lose overnight. ] You can sleep however you want to sleep.
[she took his hand!! yes. good. great! he squeezes her fingers, resisting the urge to kiss her knuckles.]
It has worked out nicely for both of us so far. [it's a system that has brought them both better sleep than they've had in ages. even if he still likes this, and likes curling up behind her too. for now though, after a few long seconds, he tilts backwards so he's laying on his back like he'd asked before. his free arm lifts up tentatively, welcoming her closer, all the while they're still holding hands.]
Like this. If you... [want?? to curl in?? this way she can still see him, and he can see both her AND the door. it's a win-win situation, jyn.]
[ jyn scoots in. it isn't all that different from how she usually curls up against him, he just doesn't happen to be facing the same direction as her anymore and she has no use for a pillow because his chest is right there for her to rest on. it's more his bony shoulder, but same thing. her nose brushes his throat briefly before she draws back the tiniest bit.
too close. ]
One day. I do like sleeping on my other side, you know.
[they wriggle and adjust and it's comfortable. they don't usually talk about how they want to sleep, just move in to whatever either or both of them are feeling. he doesn't feel like he makes a very comfortable a pillow, but jyn doesn't seem to mind, so he just tucks his arm around her a tiny bit.]
[her nose tickles his throat, and his jaw tightens for those few seconds, but then she pulls back and okay. this is okay. this is pretty normal, he supposes.]
I will kill you in your sleep if you try, [ she murmurs idly, tugging the blankets up around her more securely. once she's burrowed under the blankets to her comfort level, she sort of sinks down in her spot with an exhale, closing her eyes.
[he smiles, feeling the last traces of his self preservation disappearing like always when it comes to jyn. is it really vanishing though, when he feels this safe?]
[cassian squeezes her hand back and feels his body relaxing beside hers. comfortable. ready for sleep. warm. always warm, with her. he lets his eyes close too.]
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[he shoots her a smile like he can't quite believe she does like it. it makes him feel like he did something right.] Okay.
[but honesty. they have to be honest, even more now.] It's something you want too, right? You have not... said. About what you want. You have to tell me - something. Anything.
[he feels like he's been been suggesting so many parameters and she's just rolling with it. he knows she liked it and that she thinks she might be happy. but he doesn't want just agreement, he wants togetherness.]
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I don't know what I want -- I want to be here, with you. I thought that was enough.
[ not enough as in she doesn't want to talk about it, but enough as in she doesn't know how to reconcile it not being enough for her anymore. because she does want more but she doesn't know how much or when or how to navigate it. ]
I want this. [ this, them, home. ]
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[but the question still remains how do they! navigate anything remotely related to feelings!]
[he reaches out and brushes his thumb over her cheek.] I don't know how to say it either. But we have to try.
I want to know what you want, even if it takes time. I cannot figure out how to do this with you if you don't help me.
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Can we try in the morning? [ it's late and she wants to avoid talking right now, if not forever. she would avoid talking forever if she thought cassian would let her get away with it but she knows that it never going to happen. they're always going to push each other to be better, whether it be honesty or communication.
but she doesn't want to go to sleep feeling like the future is uncertain and fragile. ]
When we-- I don't remember, what it's like living without war. It's always been there, since I was born. [ she knows it's the same for him, children born into a war only for another one to start at its heels. there were pockets of it, she supposes, on lah'mu, on fest. moments of childhood innocence that didn't last long enough. ]
When we were on Scarif, on the beach. [ her shoulders shift awkwardly in a shrug, remembering the soft breeze that had cleared the ash as they collapsed in the sand, the blinding sunrise on the edge of the horizon hurtling toward them. ] I remembered, what peace felt like.
[ with him. ]
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[cassian andor, the overthinker.] You can take your time, as long as you talk to me.
[honestly it's four in the morning, they're both exhausted, now probably is not the time to talk. but maybe the fatigue is helpful in its own way, lowering some of their barriers, thinning the filters.]
[except. he brings her peace. he did at some point. that's kind of a lot to think about, because cassian doesn't associate himself with peace. he remembers the beach on scarif and remembers how despite knowing what waited them, he didn't regret following her.]
You make me feel like I am good. Like I could be. Like the endless war did not ruin all of me.
There is no war here. Just... us. And we have made it this far without it. That has to count for something.
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[ she's repeating his own words back to him and seems to forget that they were supposed to be discussing kissing and such instead of jyn's sudden desire to make cassian realize he is already good. maybe it has something to do with the bitter words she hurled at him on the ship, fueled by white hot grief and boiling anger.
she'd all but called him a monster and he has still stuck by her side, believed her when the alliance wouldn't. ]
Poe... Poe grew up without a war. That man -- [ she gestures behind her as if poe is right there in the room with them. ] -- is older than us, he didn't know what war was until he was an adult, because of things you did to destabilize the Empire. You... [ her exhale comes on a sigh, still struggling with trying to put how she feels into words. ] You are good, Cassian.
[ and quietly, like an after thought: ] I'm not going to agree to something I don't want, [ he shouldn't be worried that her agreement doesn't match her desires because she's not going to agree if it isn't 100% to her benefit. ]
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[she'd called him a stormtrooper and something in him snapped, because it was a direct blow at every single terrible thing he's ever thought of himself. he's done a lot of bad things for good reasons, but he always assumed he might not have a real place after, if he made it that far.]
[he didn't, at least in their own galaxy. but he might have a place here.]
[with her. he wants to be good enough to at least be with her.]
[he moves his thumb over her cheek again, very lightly.] I know that. I know you would never. I just... want to hear it from you too. Agreement is not the same as knowing how or what you feel.
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[ at least when she knows how to articulate this strange feeling. when she knows how to put it in words, he will be the first person she tells. that is her promise.
for now? for now she scoots a little closer and reaches down to drag the blankets up over her. now it's time for bed, she honestly doesn't think she can keep talking without fucking something up. she's been doing too well lately. ]
Alright, roll over.
[ she's still on his side, but she wants to go back to being the big spoon. it means both of them are facing away from the door which plainly means death, but he's just going to have to trust her to protect him for one night. ]
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[that seems... solid. as long as she will, he's satisfied. it's really fucking late and it's been a long day of too many emotions for both of them. this whole thing is going to be an ongoing process, but as long as they're always on the same page, he doesn't care how long it takes.]
[he gives her a bit of a Look, because the door jyn. he does not roll over just yet, because, well -]
Can I... kiss you again first? [before they go to bed. he doesn't know if it'd be too much right now!! but he's been looking at her face like this for a while and he wants to. that's what they're trying to figure out here!] I'd like to.
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and now he wants to kiss her and she finds she is weirdly invested in that so her head jerks in a nod. ]
Yeah, alright. [ a kiss before bed, that is fair and acceptable and normal. she can handle that. ]
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[trying not to be nervous about it, he leans in carefully. his nose accidentally brushes hers in the process, but he presses his lips to hers in a very soft and sweet kiss. it lingers for a few seconds, but there's no expectation of more.]
[when he pulls back, it's not very far given his forehead is still against hers.] Okay?
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the way her body moves to chase him when he pulls away is unconscious, as instinctive as anything and she breathes out the faintest little noise of disappointment when he speaks because that means it's over. ]
Okay. [ but a moment later she leans in for a kiss of her own design, just as soft and sweet, fingers absently clutching at the fabric of his shirt until this brief kiss too is over. ]
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[his hand moves into her hair, but it's gentle. he smiles against her mouth, and it's so very tempting to just keep kissing her - but it's been a long night. they need to sleep. they need to see how everything is in the morning.]
[he pulls away again, playing with her hair for a few seconds, but then both his hands drop to her sides and he grabs her, rolling her over him back to her usual side of the bed. it sort of pins her closer to the wall because he hasn't wriggled away into his side yet, but he's getting there.]
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Seriously? [ she punches him in the chest lightly. ] You couldn't last one night?
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You know I cannot fall asleep with my back to the door, Jyn. [and she wanted to go back to being the big spoon, so this was the solution!!]
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And what if I want to sleep like this? [ he's facing away from the door. she also scoots back so he can't grab her and roll her over again. ]
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[he puts his hand over hers on his shirt.] Can I lay on my back?
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[ guess they're not sleeping. it's not even that jyn is being stubborn, she genuinely wants to unpack why after six months here cassian still needs to see the door to sleep.
she knows why -- it's safer, it's how they were trained, if you can see a threat coming you have a leg up. except, he sleeps with her, sometimes heavily enough that she catches him snoring faintly, heavily enough that when she wakes up in the middle of the night it takes her sitting up to wake him up as well. being able to see the door will do shit in that case because he sees nothing coming. ]
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When I am - was - undercover, seeing the door was a line of defense. [he idly taps her fingers under his. he wants to wind them together, but he worries it'll be too much. he's going to worry a lot of things are too much now.]
It's - [he pauses, again with that worry.] It's easier, with you. I trust you. But I have to see it, or I just think too much about it.
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she wants to kiss him again for that. she doesn't, but she wants to and that's a new urge. she ignores it for now, she can unpack it later. ]
I get it. 's the same reason you're between me and the door. [ he would die first and she cares about him more than anything, but that kind of self-preservation is hard to lose overnight. ] You can sleep however you want to sleep.
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It has worked out nicely for both of us so far. [it's a system that has brought them both better sleep than they've had in ages. even if he still likes this, and likes curling up behind her too. for now though, after a few long seconds, he tilts backwards so he's laying on his back like he'd asked before. his free arm lifts up tentatively, welcoming her closer, all the while they're still holding hands.]
Like this. If you... [want?? to curl in?? this way she can still see him, and he can see both her AND the door. it's a win-win situation, jyn.]
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too close. ]
One day. I do like sleeping on my other side, you know.
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[her nose tickles his throat, and his jaw tightens for those few seconds, but then she pulls back and okay. this is okay. this is pretty normal, he supposes.]
I could move you back to the other side.
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she gives his hand a small squeeze. ]
Good night, Captain.
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[cassian squeezes her hand back and feels his body relaxing beside hers. comfortable. ready for sleep. warm. always warm, with her. he lets his eyes close too.]
Good night, Jyn.
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