[his smile widens when she headbutts him and he's kind of glad she can't see it, because it almost feels ridiculous. why is he smiling so much. this is dumb.]
[he ducks his head down and lifts his arm to rest his chin on their hands.]
[ only because cassian makes too much food, probably specifically so jyn won't eat it all. she still isn't moving, but she will. she will get up soon to eat, sure. that is definitely going to happen...
[but that still involves MOVING and he doesn't want to do that. good thing jyn apparently feels the same. it's a game of cuddle chicken, only the who will pull away first version. he might win, if only because she's the one being a koala.]
Then you can get it. [he almost uses his back hurting as an excuse, but that is no longer true, thanks jyn.]
[ eventually. eventually she will heat up food because she loves food more than anything, except. she still doesn't pull away, moving only a little to press her toes against the bottom edge of the couch, seeming to get comfortable again, breathing in and out a slow sigh as more of her body weight presses in on him.
on second thought, maybe she's not hungry after all. ]
[uh huh, sure, she'll get it. he believes her. he's not going to tell her to go though. cassian doesn't really think they can stay like this all night; as warm as it is, it's not the most comfortable for his back in the long run.]
[but he's going to enjoy it while it lasts. there's something very... nice, about being trusted to be a pillow, being trusted enough for jyn to relax against him. his feet are firmly on the ground, holding them both up.]
Thank you. [it breaks the silence a few minutes later, and maybe it's for the massage, but maybe it's for... more than that too. who knows!]
it breaks the silence and maybe breaks the spell because jyn s l o w l y disentangles herself from around him, eventually tucking her leg up under her again and shifting to sit beside him briefly before she stands up. ]
Anytime. [ and she means it, putting her warm hand on his shoulder and giving it a gentle squeeze, eyes briefly darting down to his bare chest. there's more scars there and before she can think to stop herself she's crouching down and pressing her fingertips to a scar low on his ribs. a splash of blaster fire, his name ripped from her lips ringing out in the echoing chamber of the data vault tower...
she swallows, pursing her lips, but says nothing about this particular scar. ]
[he misses her behind him as soon as she moves, even if recognizes they could not actually stay like that forever. logistically. her anytime is so honest that he takes it to heart. maybe he could just... ask her to do it again sometime. logistically it helped his back.]
[but then her gaze drops down, and he can't stop watching the way she watches him. his breath catches a little when she touches his skin, and his own gaze finally follows her hand to the scar. he knows immediately why she doesn't say anything. it's not like he forgot he was hit with a blaster too, but it kind of went to the wayside against the crunch of his bones.]
[she is seeing so much of him today. but he doesn't mind.]
[cassian touches her hand lightly, almost like a quiet reassurance because he also doesn't really know what to say. he looks back at her face and doesn't really know how to look away either.]
It's okay. [the scar? her hand on him?? literally everything about this evening???]
[ it's not okay. very little of their lives are okay and usually jyn doesn't care because she can't change it and maybe she wouldn't but now she is struck by the unfairness of their lives. everything could have gone differently... they could have met in a bar at university, both studying rocks because clearly he'd liked them when he was small. they could have had lives and a chance.
instead they'd spent all their chances.
she opens her mouth to say something, looking up to find cassian watching her and whatever she was going to say dies on her tongue. the warmth that had surrounded her pools in her belly, stretching out through her nerves like fingers across her skin. her mouth closes and she smiles at him, small and uncertain, but welcoming. maybe this is their chance. ]
You can return the favor next time. [ quid pro quo and fair is fair. her other hand covers his as she straightens up, pulling his hand with her, now caught in both of hers. ] Come on. Dinner.
[she looks at him so softly that his heart kind of flutters, because jyn never looks that soft. and it's him that's making her smile that way. something warm fills his chest, wrapped up in pure affection for her. it's a little scary, but he doesn't chase it away this time. he lets it settle and sit while she offers him to return the favor. she's not going anywhere, and neither is he.]
[he smiles back unbridled and commits the sight of her right now to memory.] Just let me know when.
[cassian lets her drag him to his feet and lets her start walking him towards the kitchen with zero desire to pull his hand out of hers. he does scoop his shirt from the couch though, because now that she's not draped all over him it's a lot colder.]
[ he clearly doesn't need that shirt but jyn can't exactly voice that and why would she? they're just friends. ]
A full dinner. You can have a half if you want it.
[ she stops in the kitchen and turns around to say something else about food but their tethered hands bring them fairly close and, well, she's about eye level with his chest. his bare chest. her stomach swoops and she puffs out a breath.
I can just steal a few bites of yours. [it doesn't work when he tells her that. but that's honestly all he wants!] I am not very hungry.
[he stops when she does, surprised by how close they are all of a sudden, like they weren't just pressed together, but it's different being face to face like this. he did not put his shirt back on yet. she is right there.]
[he swallows and thinks he should let go of her hand but no he refuses. he doesn't need a reason, no one is going to notice but her!] What are you heating up?
[ no he cannot steal a bite of hers, she wrinkles her nose at him, chin tipping up defiantly, but says nothing. for once. ]
The rice you made.
[ spicy rice with some kind of meat, beef or space lamb or tesco horse meat, she doesn't care and she wouldn't care. food is food and everything is better than a protein cube in prison. she has a feeling it's not as spicy as he would prefer, considering he'd warned her about the chili and then casually ate a bowl himself, but again -- prison. she'll need a few more months.
she extracts her hand easily by giving him something else to hold, pressing a jug of water into his arms to get it out of her way. once she's gotten the bowl of rice out and in the microwave, she takes the water back and tucks it back into the fridge. she leans against the counter as she waits for the food to reheat, fingers curled against the very edge, the position making her arms twist in a familiar way that looks just as painful for her shoulder as the way she was sat on the bench did. ]
[he is kind of bummed when she lets go of his hand, but he lets her use him like a shelf while she digs around in the fridge and starts heating up the rice. it is definitely not as spicy as he might have made it normally, but honestly his taste buds aren't what they were as a child either.]
[since she's not holding his hand anymore, he uses the opportunity to pull his arms back through his sleeves at last. it's getting chilly, okay, now that he doesn't have her for a blanket. he's distracted from buttoning it back up by the way she leans though, frowning because he knows that cannot feel good. he reaches out without thinking and tugs gently at her arm to stop her from leaning so uncomfortably.]
Not as myself. [that undercover life.] I cannot decide if that made it easier or not.
[ his tugs pulls her elbow right off the counter and tugs her a little toward him but before she can settle there the microwave dings and she turns away to fetch the rice, using the skirt of her dress to protect her hands when she pulls it free. it's hot!
carefully she sets it on the kitchen table and reaches back to pull two forks free before gesturing cassian to sit with her. ]
[he does not look down at her suddenly more exposed from the way she scoops up her dress legs (he does, for two seconds), but it would not even be the first time he's caught a glimpse of more leg. she was just sitting behind him with her dress scrunched up! it's fine, whatever.]
[he sits down at the table with ease, glad she actually listened and did not heat up more than necessary.]
Not this time. [he offers her... a tiny smile?] I guess that part was nice.
[see, he's trying. he's really taken her you don't have to be a spy thing to heart.]
[ jyn doesn't care about exposed anything, once she's got her underpants on she has the bathroom door open so she can continue whatever conversation was stalled with their showers in the morning. ]
But... nothing to turn off when you came home.
[ had to be difficult. jyn could shed the facade of politeness that she'd barely held up, but cassian was just being cassian. ]
[she may not care, and realistically he shouldn't either! so it's fine. it's nothing. don't think about her legs.]
[he smiles a little wider though, reaching out to scoop up some of the rice.]
It felt like there should have been something. Basic politeness, maybe. [is he polite?? he guesses?? he knows how to be, but is that really him???????????] It was easier with you there.
You're always polite, [ jyn counters. she turns it off, he doesn't. he's just a generally nice person on the regular. scooping up too much rice, she shoves it in her mouth, cheeks puffing out like a chipmunk.
[he pauses for a second when she shoves the rice in her mouth, mouth twisting into the smallest of amused smiles. how is this charming him?? every times????? she's just eating, but she is adorable.]
Being polite is unobtrusive. That is... how I was supposed to be.
[ cassian is not a spy anymore, he doesn't have to be polite unless he wants to be polite. maybe he wants to be blunt and rude like his beloved droid. ]
[he takes a very small spoonful of his own rice, chewing idly.]
I don't know. [honesty...?? also weird for him. he doesn't feel sad or anything about it. it's just a work in progress, but at least he's accepted he doesn't need to be a spy anymore.] I am not sure there is much of me left outside of the Rebellion.
[ it's a good thing he adds the last part because jyn was gearing up to argue that there is loads of him left outside the rebellion because he is left, but then he makes his own addendum and jyn swallows the words back.
instead she touches the back of his hand. ] You have time.
[he flips his hand over to wind their fingers together, giving her a grateful squeeze. he does have time, more than he ever had before.]
And I have you.
[she's there for him. she will kick him out of it and argue with him about who he really is, and knowing that... helps. she reminded him in the first place there was more than just existing as a spy, it's only fitting she's still there to keep doing it. jyn sees him as more than that. it's enough to maybe make him believe it.]
[ that feels like so much for her, too much. what if she isn't enough? but he's holding her hand and she can feel his faith in her and maybe that is enough. maybe she only needs to have faith in him and he can have faith in her and that will be enough. ]
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[he ducks his head down and lifts his arm to rest his chin on their hands.]
I don't want to cook anything.
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[ only because cassian makes too much food, probably specifically so jyn won't eat it all. she still isn't moving, but she will. she will get up soon to eat, sure. that is definitely going to happen...
soon. ]
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Then you can get it. [he almost uses his back hurting as an excuse, but that is no longer true, thanks jyn.]
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[ eventually. eventually she will heat up food because she loves food more than anything, except. she still doesn't pull away, moving only a little to press her toes against the bottom edge of the couch, seeming to get comfortable again, breathing in and out a slow sigh as more of her body weight presses in on him.
on second thought, maybe she's not hungry after all. ]
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[but he's going to enjoy it while it lasts. there's something very... nice, about being trusted to be a pillow, being trusted enough for jyn to relax against him. his feet are firmly on the ground, holding them both up.]
Thank you. [it breaks the silence a few minutes later, and maybe it's for the massage, but maybe it's for... more than that too. who knows!]
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it breaks the silence and maybe breaks the spell because jyn s l o w l y disentangles herself from around him, eventually tucking her leg up under her again and shifting to sit beside him briefly before she stands up. ]
Anytime. [ and she means it, putting her warm hand on his shoulder and giving it a gentle squeeze, eyes briefly darting down to his bare chest. there's more scars there and before she can think to stop herself she's crouching down and pressing her fingertips to a scar low on his ribs. a splash of blaster fire, his name ripped from her lips ringing out in the echoing chamber of the data vault tower...
she swallows, pursing her lips, but says nothing about this particular scar. ]
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[but then her gaze drops down, and he can't stop watching the way she watches him. his breath catches a little when she touches his skin, and his own gaze finally follows her hand to the scar. he knows immediately why she doesn't say anything. it's not like he forgot he was hit with a blaster too, but it kind of went to the wayside against the crunch of his bones.]
[she is seeing so much of him today. but he doesn't mind.]
[cassian touches her hand lightly, almost like a quiet reassurance because he also doesn't really know what to say. he looks back at her face and doesn't really know how to look away either.]
It's okay. [the scar? her hand on him?? literally everything about this evening???]
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instead they'd spent all their chances.
she opens her mouth to say something, looking up to find cassian watching her and whatever she was going to say dies on her tongue. the warmth that had surrounded her pools in her belly, stretching out through her nerves like fingers across her skin. her mouth closes and she smiles at him, small and uncertain, but welcoming. maybe this is their chance. ]
You can return the favor next time. [ quid pro quo and fair is fair. her other hand covers his as she straightens up, pulling his hand with her, now caught in both of hers. ] Come on. Dinner.
[ second dinner. ]
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[he smiles back unbridled and commits the sight of her right now to memory.] Just let me know when.
[cassian lets her drag him to his feet and lets her start walking him towards the kitchen with zero desire to pull his hand out of hers. he does scoop his shirt from the couch though, because now that she's not draped all over him it's a lot colder.]
Half a dinner.
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A full dinner. You can have a half if you want it.
[ she stops in the kitchen and turns around to say something else about food but their tethered hands bring them fairly close and, well, she's about eye level with his chest. his bare chest. her stomach swoops and she puffs out a breath.
kriffing fuck. ]
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I can just steal a few bites of yours. [it doesn't work when he tells her that. but that's honestly all he wants!] I am not very hungry.
[he stops when she does, surprised by how close they are all of a sudden, like they weren't just pressed together, but it's different being face to face like this. he did not put his shirt back on yet. she is right there.]
[he swallows and thinks he should let go of her hand but no he refuses. he doesn't need a reason, no one is going to notice but her!] What are you heating up?
[there, real words.]
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The rice you made.
[ spicy rice with some kind of meat, beef or space lamb or tesco horse meat, she doesn't care and she wouldn't care. food is food and everything is better than a protein cube in prison. she has a feeling it's not as spicy as he would prefer, considering he'd warned her about the chili and then casually ate a bowl himself, but again -- prison. she'll need a few more months.
she extracts her hand easily by giving him something else to hold, pressing a jug of water into his arms to get it out of her way. once she's gotten the bowl of rice out and in the microwave, she takes the water back and tucks it back into the fridge. she leans against the counter as she waits for the food to reheat, fingers curled against the very edge, the position making her arms twist in a familiar way that looks just as painful for her shoulder as the way she was sat on the bench did. ]
Have you been to a fancy party like that before?
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[since she's not holding his hand anymore, he uses the opportunity to pull his arms back through his sleeves at last. it's getting chilly, okay, now that he doesn't have her for a blanket. he's distracted from buttoning it back up by the way she leans though, frowning because he knows that cannot feel good. he reaches out without thinking and tugs gently at her arm to stop her from leaning so uncomfortably.]
Not as myself. [that undercover life.] I cannot decide if that made it easier or not.
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carefully she sets it on the kitchen table and reaches back to pull two forks free before gesturing cassian to sit with her. ]
Nothing to turn off when you came home?
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[he sits down at the table with ease, glad she actually listened and did not heat up more than necessary.]
Not this time. [he offers her... a tiny smile?] I guess that part was nice.
[see, he's trying. he's really taken her you don't have to be a spy thing to heart.]
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But... nothing to turn off when you came home.
[ had to be difficult. jyn could shed the facade of politeness that she'd barely held up, but cassian was just being cassian. ]
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[he smiles a little wider though, reaching out to scoop up some of the rice.]
It felt like there should have been something. Basic politeness, maybe. [is he polite?? he guesses?? he knows how to be, but is that really him???????????] It was easier with you there.
[because...jyn makes it easy to be himself.]
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this is the girl u love. loser. ]
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Being polite is unobtrusive. That is... how I was supposed to be.
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[ cassian is not a spy anymore, he doesn't have to be polite unless he wants to be polite. maybe he wants to be blunt and rude like his beloved droid. ]
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I don't know. [honesty...?? also weird for him. he doesn't feel sad or anything about it. it's just a work in progress, but at least he's accepted he doesn't need to be a spy anymore.] I am not sure there is much of me left outside of the Rebellion.
[there's a pause.] But I am trying to find it.
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instead she touches the back of his hand. ] You have time.
[ fucking loads of it apparently. ]
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And I have you.
[she's there for him. she will kick him out of it and argue with him about who he really is, and knowing that... helps. she reminded him in the first place there was more than just existing as a spy, it's only fitting she's still there to keep doing it. jyn sees him as more than that. it's enough to maybe make him believe it.]
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Yeah.
[ always. ]