[it's almost exactly an hour later when the door opens and jyn slips back inside, and despite everything, cassian feels a little bit of relief to see her. he's just spent however long texting back and forth with jim, and he's still not settled, he's still worried, but at least she's back.]
[and climbing into bed like everything is still normal. but for the first time he doesn't feel quite so normal. he feels like they should talk about it, but he doesn't know where to start, and he doesn't know if four in the morning is a good time. maybe there's no such thing as the perfect moment for them.]
I should be telling you that. [because she is the one who went out! he does not lay down beside her, however tempting it is, but he does look down at her with a little frown on his face, still exuding that worry.] Are you... okay?
[ they're back in the honesty bubble and jyn takes that seriously, and not just for the benefit of cassian's post-espionage life. saw hid so much from her, even cassian did at the beginning. not being ignorant to everything around her is important. her hands wind together across her stomach, one leg drawing up until her knee is bent. it tips over against the bed like a flat passé. ]
It's not bad or-- I don't regret... earlier. I don't know how to do any of this, I don't... [ she huffs out a tiny sigh. ] I don't how to be... [ her mouth works to figure out the right word when it could be many: normal, capable of basic human emotion, not prepared for a thousand other shoes to drop, a good person who deserves good things. ] Happy.
[ there's a tinge of bitterness when she adds on a murmur: ] I couldn't even tell that's what I felt.
[he's not expecting much of anything, because he knows talking is hard. he hates talking. they have processed so little between them, despite how much they've come to understand it all and understand each other. he watches her wriggle around and listens when she opens up, carefully and quietly, and his heart hurts. not because it worries him, but because of their lives. the galaxy crushed down their emotions into the dirt, and neither of them know how to grow it back.]
I don't know how either. [something in him deflates a little when he admits it.] I have always assumed I could not be happy. That I did not deserve it.
[jim told him to tell her how he feels, but there are a lot of feelings he's still sorting through. things he doesn't know how to describe. things he shut off that are leaking out. he can't tell her if he's not sure what they are.]
All of this is... unfamiliar to me too. I just know you do make me happy. That seems like step one.
How many steps do you think there are? [ it's... half serious but more in that she thinks a guideline would be useful. unless they're going to be climbing these steps for the rest of their lives.
she shakes her head, that's not really important. they're happy together and she wishes she could just leave it at that but it's the first time something hasn't come naturally to her in regards to him. it's always been easy, even when they were fighting, the fighting was easy. navigating this is difficult. ]
[he gives her a weak, almost self-deprecating smile.] I am not sure either, remember? But I don't think they will go on forever. If anyone can reach the top, it's me and you.
[he sighs a little, but it's quiet and mostly just tired. cassian fell in with jyn very easily and very quickly, even kissing her was easy. now he's afraid he's going to mess this part up like he messes up himself and his emotions. jyn deserves good things, and he wants so badly to be one of those good things.]
What we do... is probably up to us. Maybe there is no right or wrong way. I don't have an answer, but we could try to figure it out, together. Find our own way.
[ it's almost like he's saying they're used to defeating insurmountable odds. jyn breathes out a laugh though because he's right. ]
...that's what Finn said.
[ finn also noted that cassian had the same limited emotional experience so really, he hit it out of the part with knowing them and jyn doesn't feel even a little embarrassed to admit she went to finn during her run. it would have come up eventually considering now finn Knows. ]
[something almost like a smile teases his face. she laughed. and she went to finn. it makes sense? finn relates to them both in the "how do you function like a real person" dilemma, and he finds he doesn't mind that finn Knows.]
[though he does remind him he should probably tell her that jim also Knows.]
Then maybe we are all on to something. [he pauses, then his face turns a little apologetic.] Jim said we should... talk. But I am not sure how to do that either. We're talking now, and we did before.
Did he happen to mention what we should talk about? [ like maybe a path to get them started, a tiny nugget of wisdom to help them. if anyone could just give them a fucking bone... she shrugs, a little helplessly.
they do talk, about things. sure, they don't talk about things they should talk about -- scarif, namely -- but they talk. on the surface. alright, they don't talk much about the important things. ]
[he's glad she does not seem to be grumpy jim knows. he was very good about it, honestly, and there was no real teasing. and it was helpful, much like finn was. maybe they do have good friends here!]
[he gives her a wry smile. it's her least favorite thing in the world.]
How we feel. What we want.
[which admittedly they did idly touch on already, but not in any real big way. it was more assurances that they were fine and good. it still kind of feels too scary to go beyond that.]
[ hahaha feelings, don't be disgusting, james tiberius kirk. y'nasty. ]
Lay down, I'm tired of looking up at you. What do you want?
[ maybe if she just tacks the question on to the end of her demand it will be less obvious. she's not going to touch the feelings thing because she doesn't want to touch the feelings thing because feelings are terrifying. ]
[he shuffles down slowly, laying down flat on his back beside her. his legs are stretched out straight, but he crosses his hands over his stomach almost exactly like she has. it's easier being on the same level, he had to admit.]
[she completely brushes over the feelings part, which doesn't surprise him, but he's fine with ignoring that for now. he tilts his head, so he can look at her.]
[her. he wants her.]
I want to keep doing everything we already do. I just... want to kiss you sometimes now too.
[he frowns a little, suddenly nervous again. even if she likes kissing him, maybe she doesn't want to anymore? maybe she doesn't want their lives to change? they'd settled into a routine, a good one, maybe she would prefer that. he wouldn't blame her.]
It does change some things. But we can still run. Still go beyond the wall.
[ she's slow to process this all because she's thinking about it. it's not like fighting or running which is more instinct then anything, she has zero instincts when it comes to this. ]
It does not have to be. I am not sure I would want it to be yet anyway.
[especially since they're still figuring it all out. but it does give him more as to what she's angling for. she wants to know when. just use your words, jyn erso.]
Maybe if we are lazing on the couch. Or before we go to bed. Little moments just between us, to get used to it.
[ words are for people with social skills, cassian, gosh. ]
Alright, yeah. Everything the same, plus all that. [ plus is better than except. ] Though I can't believe you said laze like you know how to relax without an objective.
It would have been more accurate. [ she props herself up on her elbows, still looking over at him. ] I liked it.
[ and yet still struggles to even say the word kiss. force, she is such a fucking disaster! why can't she just act like the red blooded human being that she is and let whatever primal urges she's meant to have take over? why is affection so hard to grasp, much less accept? why is the galaxy such garbage. ]
[he follows her when she moves, eyes adjusting to keep on her face as she leans up. something warm and happy rushes over him when she reiterates she liked kissing him, because - well, she hasn't been the most reassuring about it. it keeps making him nervous.]
[he shoots her a smile like he can't quite believe she does like it. it makes him feel like he did something right.] Okay.
[but honesty. they have to be honest, even more now.] It's something you want too, right? You have not... said. About what you want. You have to tell me - something. Anything.
[he feels like he's been been suggesting so many parameters and she's just rolling with it. he knows she liked it and that she thinks she might be happy. but he doesn't want just agreement, he wants togetherness.]
[ jyn looks down at him for a long moment, mouth set solemnly, before she sinks back down, settling on her side to face him. she's quiet, thoughtful. ]
I don't know what I want -- I want to be here, with you. I thought that was enough.
[ not enough as in she doesn't want to talk about it, but enough as in she doesn't know how to reconcile it not being enough for her anymore. because she does want more but she doesn't know how much or when or how to navigate it. ]
[it's more than she offered before and a comfort in knowing they both seem to want the same sort of things. reading between the lines, a feat he's gotten better at with jyn, he can tell she's saying more. they both want more.]
[but the question still remains how do they! navigate anything remotely related to feelings!]
[he reaches out and brushes his thumb over her cheek.] I don't know how to say it either. But we have to try.
I want to know what you want, even if it takes time. I cannot figure out how to do this with you if you don't help me.
Can we try in the morning? [ it's late and she wants to avoid talking right now, if not forever. she would avoid talking forever if she thought cassian would let her get away with it but she knows that it never going to happen. they're always going to push each other to be better, whether it be honesty or communication.
but she doesn't want to go to sleep feeling like the future is uncertain and fragile. ]
When we-- I don't remember, what it's like living without war. It's always been there, since I was born. [ she knows it's the same for him, children born into a war only for another one to start at its heels. there were pockets of it, she supposes, on lah'mu, on fest. moments of childhood innocence that didn't last long enough. ]
When we were on Scarif, on the beach. [ her shoulders shift awkwardly in a shrug, remembering the soft breeze that had cleared the ash as they collapsed in the sand, the blinding sunrise on the edge of the horizon hurtling toward them. ] I remembered, what peace felt like.
We can try in the morning, and the afternoon, and the next day too. There is no limit. I just - I don't want you to keep agreeing without knowing what you think. It's going to worry me.
[cassian andor, the overthinker.] You can take your time, as long as you talk to me.
[honestly it's four in the morning, they're both exhausted, now probably is not the time to talk. but maybe the fatigue is helpful in its own way, lowering some of their barriers, thinning the filters.]
[except. he brings her peace. he did at some point. that's kind of a lot to think about, because cassian doesn't associate himself with peace. he remembers the beach on scarif and remembers how despite knowing what waited them, he didn't regret following her.]
You make me feel like I am good. Like I could be. Like the endless war did not ruin all of me.
There is no war here. Just... us. And we have made it this far without it. That has to count for something.
[ she's repeating his own words back to him and seems to forget that they were supposed to be discussing kissing and such instead of jyn's sudden desire to make cassian realize he is already good. maybe it has something to do with the bitter words she hurled at him on the ship, fueled by white hot grief and boiling anger.
she'd all but called him a monster and he has still stuck by her side, believed her when the alliance wouldn't. ]
Poe... Poe grew up without a war. That man -- [ she gestures behind her as if poe is right there in the room with them. ] -- is older than us, he didn't know what war was until he was an adult, because of things you did to destabilize the Empire. You... [ her exhale comes on a sigh, still struggling with trying to put how she feels into words. ] You are good, Cassian.
[ and quietly, like an after thought: ] I'm not going to agree to something I don't want, [ he shouldn't be worried that her agreement doesn't match her desires because she's not going to agree if it isn't 100% to her benefit. ]
[she gets a wry smile.] I am trying to believe that.
[she'd called him a stormtrooper and something in him snapped, because it was a direct blow at every single terrible thing he's ever thought of himself. he's done a lot of bad things for good reasons, but he always assumed he might not have a real place after, if he made it that far.]
[he didn't, at least in their own galaxy. but he might have a place here.]
[with her. he wants to be good enough to at least be with her.]
[he moves his thumb over her cheek again, very lightly.] I know that. I know you would never. I just... want to hear it from you too. Agreement is not the same as knowing how or what you feel.
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[and climbing into bed like everything is still normal. but for the first time he doesn't feel quite so normal. he feels like they should talk about it, but he doesn't know where to start, and he doesn't know if four in the morning is a good time. maybe there's no such thing as the perfect moment for them.]
I should be telling you that. [because she is the one who went out! he does not lay down beside her, however tempting it is, but he does look down at her with a little frown on his face, still exuding that worry.] Are you... okay?
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[ they're back in the honesty bubble and jyn takes that seriously, and not just for the benefit of cassian's post-espionage life. saw hid so much from her, even cassian did at the beginning. not being ignorant to everything around her is important. her hands wind together across her stomach, one leg drawing up until her knee is bent. it tips over against the bed like a flat passé. ]
It's not bad or-- I don't regret... earlier. I don't know how to do any of this, I don't... [ she huffs out a tiny sigh. ] I don't how to be... [ her mouth works to figure out the right word when it could be many: normal, capable of basic human emotion, not prepared for a thousand other shoes to drop, a good person who deserves good things. ] Happy.
[ there's a tinge of bitterness when she adds on a murmur: ] I couldn't even tell that's what I felt.
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I don't know how either. [something in him deflates a little when he admits it.] I have always assumed I could not be happy. That I did not deserve it.
[jim told him to tell her how he feels, but there are a lot of feelings he's still sorting through. things he doesn't know how to describe. things he shut off that are leaking out. he can't tell her if he's not sure what they are.]
All of this is... unfamiliar to me too. I just know you do make me happy. That seems like step one.
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How many steps do you think there are? [ it's... half serious but more in that she thinks a guideline would be useful. unless they're going to be climbing these steps for the rest of their lives.
she shakes her head, that's not really important. they're happy together and she wishes she could just leave it at that but it's the first time something hasn't come naturally to her in regards to him. it's always been easy, even when they were fighting, the fighting was easy. navigating this is difficult. ]
What do we do now?
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[he sighs a little, but it's quiet and mostly just tired. cassian fell in with jyn very easily and very quickly, even kissing her was easy. now he's afraid he's going to mess this part up like he messes up himself and his emotions. jyn deserves good things, and he wants so badly to be one of those good things.]
What we do... is probably up to us. Maybe there is no right or wrong way. I don't have an answer, but we could try to figure it out, together. Find our own way.
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...that's what Finn said.
[ finn also noted that cassian had the same limited emotional experience so really, he hit it out of the part with knowing them and jyn doesn't feel even a little embarrassed to admit she went to finn during her run. it would have come up eventually considering now finn Knows. ]
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[though he does remind him he should probably tell her that jim also Knows.]
Then maybe we are all on to something. [he pauses, then his face turns a little apologetic.] Jim said we should... talk. But I am not sure how to do that either. We're talking now, and we did before.
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they do talk, about things. sure, they don't talk about things they should talk about -- scarif, namely -- but they talk. on the surface. alright, they don't talk much about the important things. ]
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[he gives her a wry smile. it's her least favorite thing in the world.]
How we feel. What we want.
[which admittedly they did idly touch on already, but not in any real big way. it was more assurances that they were fine and good. it still kind of feels too scary to go beyond that.]
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Lay down, I'm tired of looking up at you. What do you want?
[ maybe if she just tacks the question on to the end of her demand it will be less obvious. she's not going to touch the feelings thing because she doesn't want to touch the feelings thing because feelings are terrifying. ]
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[she completely brushes over the feelings part, which doesn't surprise him, but he's fine with ignoring that for now. he tilts his head, so he can look at her.]
[her. he wants her.]
I want to keep doing everything we already do. I just... want to kiss you sometimes now too.
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Everything the same except for that. [ that is wants to kiss her. because he's concussed probably. ]
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It does change some things. But we can still run. Still go beyond the wall.
Is it... a bad change?
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[ she's slow to process this all because she's thinking about it. it's not like fighting or running which is more instinct then anything, she has zero instincts when it comes to this. ]
Would it be in front of people?
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[especially since they're still figuring it all out. but it does give him more as to what she's angling for. she wants to know when. just use your words, jyn erso.]
Maybe if we are lazing on the couch. Or before we go to bed. Little moments just between us, to get used to it.
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Alright, yeah. Everything the same, plus all that. [ plus is better than except. ] Though I can't believe you said laze like you know how to relax without an objective.
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[his nerves settle, feeling a little easier when she seems to be on the same page. even if she drags him. let him and his inability to relax live.]
Would sitting have been the better word?
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[ and yet still struggles to even say the word kiss. force, she is such a fucking disaster! why can't she just act like the red blooded human being that she is and let whatever primal urges she's meant to have take over? why is affection so hard to grasp, much less accept? why is the galaxy such garbage. ]
I don't want you to think I didn't.
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[he shoots her a smile like he can't quite believe she does like it. it makes him feel like he did something right.] Okay.
[but honesty. they have to be honest, even more now.] It's something you want too, right? You have not... said. About what you want. You have to tell me - something. Anything.
[he feels like he's been been suggesting so many parameters and she's just rolling with it. he knows she liked it and that she thinks she might be happy. but he doesn't want just agreement, he wants togetherness.]
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I don't know what I want -- I want to be here, with you. I thought that was enough.
[ not enough as in she doesn't want to talk about it, but enough as in she doesn't know how to reconcile it not being enough for her anymore. because she does want more but she doesn't know how much or when or how to navigate it. ]
I want this. [ this, them, home. ]
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[but the question still remains how do they! navigate anything remotely related to feelings!]
[he reaches out and brushes his thumb over her cheek.] I don't know how to say it either. But we have to try.
I want to know what you want, even if it takes time. I cannot figure out how to do this with you if you don't help me.
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Can we try in the morning? [ it's late and she wants to avoid talking right now, if not forever. she would avoid talking forever if she thought cassian would let her get away with it but she knows that it never going to happen. they're always going to push each other to be better, whether it be honesty or communication.
but she doesn't want to go to sleep feeling like the future is uncertain and fragile. ]
When we-- I don't remember, what it's like living without war. It's always been there, since I was born. [ she knows it's the same for him, children born into a war only for another one to start at its heels. there were pockets of it, she supposes, on lah'mu, on fest. moments of childhood innocence that didn't last long enough. ]
When we were on Scarif, on the beach. [ her shoulders shift awkwardly in a shrug, remembering the soft breeze that had cleared the ash as they collapsed in the sand, the blinding sunrise on the edge of the horizon hurtling toward them. ] I remembered, what peace felt like.
[ with him. ]
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[cassian andor, the overthinker.] You can take your time, as long as you talk to me.
[honestly it's four in the morning, they're both exhausted, now probably is not the time to talk. but maybe the fatigue is helpful in its own way, lowering some of their barriers, thinning the filters.]
[except. he brings her peace. he did at some point. that's kind of a lot to think about, because cassian doesn't associate himself with peace. he remembers the beach on scarif and remembers how despite knowing what waited them, he didn't regret following her.]
You make me feel like I am good. Like I could be. Like the endless war did not ruin all of me.
There is no war here. Just... us. And we have made it this far without it. That has to count for something.
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[ she's repeating his own words back to him and seems to forget that they were supposed to be discussing kissing and such instead of jyn's sudden desire to make cassian realize he is already good. maybe it has something to do with the bitter words she hurled at him on the ship, fueled by white hot grief and boiling anger.
she'd all but called him a monster and he has still stuck by her side, believed her when the alliance wouldn't. ]
Poe... Poe grew up without a war. That man -- [ she gestures behind her as if poe is right there in the room with them. ] -- is older than us, he didn't know what war was until he was an adult, because of things you did to destabilize the Empire. You... [ her exhale comes on a sigh, still struggling with trying to put how she feels into words. ] You are good, Cassian.
[ and quietly, like an after thought: ] I'm not going to agree to something I don't want, [ he shouldn't be worried that her agreement doesn't match her desires because she's not going to agree if it isn't 100% to her benefit. ]
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[she'd called him a stormtrooper and something in him snapped, because it was a direct blow at every single terrible thing he's ever thought of himself. he's done a lot of bad things for good reasons, but he always assumed he might not have a real place after, if he made it that far.]
[he didn't, at least in their own galaxy. but he might have a place here.]
[with her. he wants to be good enough to at least be with her.]
[he moves his thumb over her cheek again, very lightly.] I know that. I know you would never. I just... want to hear it from you too. Agreement is not the same as knowing how or what you feel.
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