[it's not the act of folding! it's the meaning behind it! it's how well she knows him, how well he allowed her to know him.]
[SHE'S PINK ALREADY. that's also one of his favorite things about her! she looks so happy in his arms and even though it's been a few months of sharing this kind of intimacy with her, it still hasn't lost that quiet and comfortable unusualness. the surprise of love.]
[maybe one day he'll stop being surprised. it's not like he doesn't believe her, but the physical proof in the words and affections continues to blindside him on occasion. jyn loves him!]
[he kisses her again, smiling against her mouth.] I just like to tell you. And I like... when you tell me too.
[ that's why she says it, honestly, because she knows he likes to hear it. she doesn't need to hear it, she knows -- cassian loves her. that fact is like a lighthouse in a storm, a steady beacon to ground herself in. but he needs to say it and he needs to hear it and it's not difficult anymore, it's not as terrifying to let the words slip out so she doesn't mind. ]
You never told me why. Why you love me.
[ curiosity has always been one of her weaknesses, and while this is something absurdly sef-indulgent to be curious about, she does kind of want to know. so she can keep it up, maybe, so she doesn't forget. ]
[every time she does say it, he takes it to heart. he files it away to repeat when he has doubts. people can and do lie, but he knows jyn would never lie to him, therefore it is unquestionable that she loves him.]
[his smile turns a little softer, not shy but maybe more reserved.]
Because... you are like a part of me I did not know was missing. You remind me that there is still good in the galaxy and maybe still good in me.
I feel like I am still compiling the reasons why, because I discover something new all the time.
[ things to keep doing so cassian will love her: exist, apparently. ]
There is good in you, [ she reminds him, tone quiet but fierce. ] You are a good man.
[ and she will always remind him of that, first usually. it's only after that instant defense that she seems to catalogue the rest of his comments. she likes that they're still learning together, she doesn't feel alone at being ill equipped to act like young adults their age because they have no idea how young adults their age act.
[jyn: walks into the house. cassian: holy shit i love her.]
I know I probably sound like I keep repeating it. But I really am trying to believe it.
[if he wasn't good on some level, why would jyn love him?? there are so many little things he keeps reminding himself, but he's had years of hating himself with very little pushback against the notion that he was not terrible. it is taking a very long time to get used to.]
[he brushes his thumb over her cheek.] You make me... smile. You make me happy, Jyn. You are my family because you chose to be, and that has always been rare.
[they're alike in as many ways as they're different, and cassian has always felt a pull towards her, from the moment they met.]
[ trying is the hardest part for both of them so jyn can't begrudge him for any repetition during the process. reacquainting themselves with the idea of normalcy after a lifetime of war and upheaval was always going to be an uphill climb. they're allowed room for missteps and reassurances.
except: ]
I don't want to make you happy, [ jyn blurts out, pulling a face immediately afterwards. ] I want you to be happy but I don't want to be the reason. [ her nose wrinkles up, feeling like she's explaining this improperly because it is so clear in her head, but it's not coming out the way she would like. ]
I want you to be happy, but I don't think it should be dependent on me, or either of us. It would be too much pressure. I want you to be happy with me, but I want you to be unhappy with me or angry with me. I don't ever want you to feel like it's your job to make me happy. Does that make sense?
[ she hopes it does because it does feel like Too Much otherwise. she knows that isn't what he means, either, that his happiness is solely on her shoulders, but the slight pressure in her chest at the idea that she alone could be responsible for cassian's happiness was enough to blurt out those first words. ]
[there's about two seconds of almost horror on his face when she says she doesn't want to make him happy, like maybe somehow he has gotten every! single! thing! wrong! and all of this is a lie!!!!!!]
[but then she explains it and he relaxes again.]
It makes sense. You are not the only reason I am happy. I am sorry if it came across that way, in what I said. My happiness is not dependent on you. You just... help me recognize it and help me open myself to it. I do not think of it as my job in return.
You are right, it would be too much pressure on either of us. But I am still happy with you, and that is still... part of why I love you. I feel all kinds of things with you.
[ jyn puffs out a sigh of relief, deflating in his arms. good, she didn't fuck that up.
"I'm happy with you" is less daunting than "you make me happy". she can handle the former, but the latter would be paralyzing. she didn't think that was how he meant it but it was so huge it felt worth clarifying and she is glad that she did. ]
You helped me open up to happiness, too.
[ she is happy with him as well and god, she feels so much with him, so this is all something she understands completely. navigating her feelings is always easier to handle with cassian as her first mate, it doesn't seem insurmountable. ]
[she looks so much more relaxed now, he has zero complaints about talking it out.]
[he leans forward and plants a kiss on her forehead.]
Of course. I am glad you brought it up.
[he will always listen to what she has to say. every time jyn opens up, cassian feels happier in the end, even if the subject matter ends up being uncomfortable or upsetting - she was honest with him. she let herself be. she acknowledged some kind of feelings with him. that's precious to him.]
I am... always glad when you feel like you can talk to me.
I know, [ she says begrudgingly, wrinkling her nose. that is why she does it! because he likes it! she still doesn't enjoy it, but it makes him feel better and it isn't hurting her. ]
Can we go back to kissing me now?
[ she is the one that paused! she wanted to hear him talk! maybe she just asked the wrong question again. ]
Or whatever you want to do... which you can feel free to tell me about. In detail.
[she's just lucky he doesn't kiss her nose after that adorable little wrinkle. his girlfriend is adorable! and he loves that she is trying to talk to him more. it helps motivate him to do the same.] You stopped it in the first place.
I wanted... [huffs, this is still a struggle. ok cassian you can do it. start slowly!]
Can we try something?
[there's a pause that maybe makes it seem like he's gonna say more, but no. that's his baby step.]
[ and she feels... oddly sure considering he hasn't elaborated on what that something might be, it's just something, and she wants to try it probably. cassian isn't going to throw something wild at her, he surely knows some of her hard nos without ever talking about it.
You can't just agree without knowing. [in the grand scheme of all sex things, it's honestly pretty tame. but it doesn't mean he doesn't have a hard time asking for things. that's the hurdle here!!!]
[his hands are settled comfortably at her waist, and he offers her a tiny little smile while his thumb brushes idly over her skin.] I would really like to just lift you up and hold you against the wall. [a beat.] And fuck you there, I mean.
her chin tips up and she shifts her hips forward the tiniest bit, looking up at him defiantly. ] And I do want you to fuck me against the wall, Captain, so as I said...
I am sure even you have limits. [he rolls his eyes. FONDLY.]
[but she still agreed, and he can't deny the little thrill of anticipation that rushes through him. when she leans in, he just tugs her the rest of the way till her hips are flush against him.]
It's sure, as in I am sure, what is more confident than that?
[ like honestly. "are you sure?" is a question to make sure someone is absolutely positive, how can that be construed as anything but confidence! ]
You might want to get my trousers off before we get to the wall, so we don't run into that obstacle. [ maybe if she just barrels forward he will accept sure for what it is: surety. ]
[he doesn't know why!! but she is still not complaining so yolo. she's very sure. he even just used the word sure in his thought process.]
[instead of arguing anymore he just slips his hands under the top of her leggings and pushes them down over the curve of her ass. he does his best not to push her too far away from him in the process, leaving only just enough room to shove them down to her knees. there! how's that for an answer!]
[ once he has her leggings down, jyn steps them the rest of the way down in an easy dance of femininity. you can't just step out of leggings, you have to tap dance out of them. it is a distracted dance, more focused on the trail of cassian's fingers back up her thighs than what she is doing. he does this on purpose. ]
How does it sounding casual make it less of a positive affirmative?
[ gonna argue this in the middle of making out -- punctuating her statement with the way she presses up on her tiptoes again to kiss him -- because bickering can 100% be foreplay. see the great herb/herb debate of 2018. ]
[ah yes the leggings dance. he's very familiar with it by now, it's hilarious. he also always 100% drags his fingers up her legs slowly on purpose, because it always gets some kind of reaction, however subtle.]
I just said I do not know. I don't know how these things are supposed to be answered.
[except with a kiss, he can always answer her with a kiss. he ducks his head down to meet her with eagerness, and the height difference already has him thinking about being level with her, once he gets her up on that wall. pulling her flush against him again with a tight grip on her waist, he starts to walk them across the room, doing his best to multitask and not pause any of the kissing. that would be terrible.]
[ he is so good at multitasking. jyn had griped about his competency at everything but it really is his best feature. most irritating, sure, but god damn is it hot. ]
Well, sure. That's my answer so that is how it's meant to be answered.
[ lips already pulled from his because she will not shut up, jyn presses them to his throat, kissing a trail to his collarbone and drifting further down his chest -- because that is perfectly easy for her to reach and she loves the rumble of his heart under her lips. her fingers fall to his pants, slipping between them to work on the clasps. ]
[he's the best at multitasking. it's a learned skill he has honed and practiced and honestly it has helped keep him alive, but it's very useful now when he wants to make out with his girlfriend.]
Okay then. Sure.
[just testing it out too.]
[he does not help her with his pants, as much as he wants to. sometimes he just wants her to do it for him! they're very similar that way. besides, it's a little thing he's working on too, just letting her... do things for him. he can't really kiss her from this angle, so he keeps walking them instead, stopping only when her back bumps into the wall.]
I was preoccupied, [ jyn protests, pressing up to kiss his chin before she pushes him back a bit so she can sink down onto her knees in a single, surprisingly graceful, movement. ]
Don't worry, [ comes her quiet, teasing reassurance as her fingers curl around the top of his pants to drag them down and pull them off, pressing kisses to the newly exposed skin as she frees it.. ] I promise you can fuck me against the wall before I eat dessert.
Jyn. [it is basically a whine, the closest he's ever gotten to actually whining with her. what the hell that was smooth as fuck. part of him is so tempted to just give in and let her do it now, but he had a plan and if he backs out, he worries he'll lose his nerve. he asked for a thing! she agreed! he doesn't want to start overthinking it just because she tried to distract him, and successfully convinced him to let her go down on him in barely two seconds.]
[he tucks his hand under her chin and tilts her head up.] You need to come back up here for me to do that. I want you up here first. Please.
[ it is an assurance, for sure, but she remains slow and methodical as she slowly frees one leg from his pants and then the other, kissing down his thighs, disheveled hair brushing against his legs as she ducks her head, a kiss pressed to the side of his knee.
this is what he does to her; gentle and feather light and infuriatingly slow until she wants to crumble before they've even started. her name on his lips was like a power trip and it's not that she wants him to beg but... she wants him to want her, so badly. ]
I'll be there in a moment.
[ she takes her time straightening back up, tugging her own underwear down and off as she kisses back up all of cassian's bare skin. she kisses up his hip, across his belly, over his chest, until she's standing up again in front of him, pushing up on her tiptoes once more to kiss him on the mouth finally. ]
[it's a good reassurance. it lets him settle in place, placates him while she lingers and continues to drive him absolutely crazy. it's fair, he supposes, since he does it to her all the time, but he thinks if she tried this even a month or two ago, he wouldn't have been able to stand there and let it happen. it's easier to just accept it now.]
[her mouth is warm and he shudders under it. her mission is a success, he definitely wants her, badly. his hand brushes through her hair, but instead of grabbing it, he leans it against the wall for balance.]
[when she finally gets to her feet, she pops up between his arms and he eagerly kisses her back the moment she leans up. as soon as she says she can have him, he crowds up into her space, hips pressing her into the wall which is admittedly counterproductive to getting her up on the wall, but he wants to be close to her right now first. he wants to kiss her, biting at her lip and licking into her mouth. she has riled him up, but all of it makes it pretty clear how much he does want her.]
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[SHE'S PINK ALREADY. that's also one of his favorite things about her! she looks so happy in his arms and even though it's been a few months of sharing this kind of intimacy with her, it still hasn't lost that quiet and comfortable unusualness. the surprise of love.]
[maybe one day he'll stop being surprised. it's not like he doesn't believe her, but the physical proof in the words and affections continues to blindside him on occasion. jyn loves him!]
[he kisses her again, smiling against her mouth.] I just like to tell you. And I like... when you tell me too.
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You never told me why. Why you love me.
[ curiosity has always been one of her weaknesses, and while this is something absurdly sef-indulgent to be curious about, she does kind of want to know. so she can keep it up, maybe, so she doesn't forget. ]
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[his smile turns a little softer, not shy but maybe more reserved.]
Because... you are like a part of me I did not know was missing. You remind me that there is still good in the galaxy and maybe still good in me.
I feel like I am still compiling the reasons why, because I discover something new all the time.
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There is good in you, [ she reminds him, tone quiet but fierce. ] You are a good man.
[ and she will always remind him of that, first usually. it's only after that instant defense that she seems to catalogue the rest of his comments. she likes that they're still learning together, she doesn't feel alone at being ill equipped to act like young adults their age because they have no idea how young adults their age act.
everything is a teachable moment. ]
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I know I probably sound like I keep repeating it. But I really am trying to believe it.
[if he wasn't good on some level, why would jyn love him?? there are so many little things he keeps reminding himself, but he's had years of hating himself with very little pushback against the notion that he was not terrible. it is taking a very long time to get used to.]
[he brushes his thumb over her cheek.] You make me... smile. You make me happy, Jyn. You are my family because you chose to be, and that has always been rare.
[they're alike in as many ways as they're different, and cassian has always felt a pull towards her, from the moment they met.]
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except: ]
I don't want to make you happy, [ jyn blurts out, pulling a face immediately afterwards. ] I want you to be happy but I don't want to be the reason. [ her nose wrinkles up, feeling like she's explaining this improperly because it is so clear in her head, but it's not coming out the way she would like. ]
I want you to be happy, but I don't think it should be dependent on me, or either of us. It would be too much pressure. I want you to be happy with me, but I want you to be unhappy with me or angry with me. I don't ever want you to feel like it's your job to make me happy. Does that make sense?
[ she hopes it does because it does feel like Too Much otherwise. she knows that isn't what he means, either, that his happiness is solely on her shoulders, but the slight pressure in her chest at the idea that she alone could be responsible for cassian's happiness was enough to blurt out those first words. ]
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[but then she explains it and he relaxes again.]
It makes sense. You are not the only reason I am happy. I am sorry if it came across that way, in what I said. My happiness is not dependent on you. You just... help me recognize it and help me open myself to it. I do not think of it as my job in return.
You are right, it would be too much pressure on either of us. But I am still happy with you, and that is still... part of why I love you. I feel all kinds of things with you.
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"I'm happy with you" is less daunting than "you make me happy". she can handle the former, but the latter would be paralyzing. she didn't think that was how he meant it but it was so huge it felt worth clarifying and she is glad that she did. ]
You helped me open up to happiness, too.
[ she is happy with him as well and god, she feels so much with him, so this is all something she understands completely. navigating her feelings is always easier to handle with cassian as her first mate, it doesn't seem insurmountable. ]
Thank you, for telling me all that.
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[he leans forward and plants a kiss on her forehead.]
Of course. I am glad you brought it up.
[he will always listen to what she has to say. every time jyn opens up, cassian feels happier in the end, even if the subject matter ends up being uncomfortable or upsetting - she was honest with him. she let herself be. she acknowledged some kind of feelings with him. that's precious to him.]
I am... always glad when you feel like you can talk to me.
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Can we go back to kissing me now?
[ she is the one that paused! she wanted to hear him talk! maybe she just asked the wrong question again. ]
Or whatever you want to do... which you can feel free to tell me about. In detail.
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I wanted... [huffs, this is still a struggle. ok cassian you can do it. start slowly!]
Can we try something?
[there's a pause that maybe makes it seem like he's gonna say more, but no. that's his baby step.]
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[ and she feels... oddly sure considering he hasn't elaborated on what that something might be, it's just something, and she wants to try it probably. cassian isn't going to throw something wild at her, he surely knows some of her hard nos without ever talking about it.
right?
maybe they should talk about it. ]
What do you want to try?
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[his hands are settled comfortably at her waist, and he offers her a tiny little smile while his thumb brushes idly over her skin.] I would really like to just lift you up and hold you against the wall. [a beat.] And fuck you there, I mean.
[on the very small chance that was not clear.]
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[ DON'T TELL HER WHAT TO NOT DO, CASSIAN!
her chin tips up and she shifts her hips forward the tiniest bit, looking up at him defiantly. ] And I do want you to fuck me against the wall, Captain, so as I said...
Sure.
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[but she still agreed, and he can't deny the little thrill of anticipation that rushes through him. when she leans in, he just tugs her the rest of the way till her hips are flush against him.]
'Sure.' That does not sound very confident.
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It's sure, as in I am sure, what is more confident than that?
[ like honestly. "are you sure?" is a question to make sure someone is absolutely positive, how can that be construed as anything but confidence! ]
You might want to get my trousers off before we get to the wall, so we don't run into that obstacle. [ maybe if she just barrels forward he will accept sure for what it is: surety. ]
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[he doesn't know why!! but she is still not complaining so yolo. she's very sure. he even just used the word sure in his thought process.]
[instead of arguing anymore he just slips his hands under the top of her leggings and pushes them down over the curve of her ass. he does his best not to push her too far away from him in the process, leaving only just enough room to shove them down to her knees. there! how's that for an answer!]
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How does it sounding casual make it less of a positive affirmative?
[ gonna argue this in the middle of making out -- punctuating her statement with the way she presses up on her tiptoes again to kiss him -- because bickering can 100% be foreplay. see the great herb/herb debate of 2018. ]
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I just said I do not know. I don't know how these things are supposed to be answered.
[except with a kiss, he can always answer her with a kiss. he ducks his head down to meet her with eagerness, and the height difference already has him thinking about being level with her, once he gets her up on that wall. pulling her flush against him again with a tight grip on her waist, he starts to walk them across the room, doing his best to multitask and not pause any of the kissing. that would be terrible.]
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Well, sure. That's my answer so that is how it's meant to be answered.
[ lips already pulled from his because she will not shut up, jyn presses them to his throat, kissing a trail to his collarbone and drifting further down his chest -- because that is perfectly easy for her to reach and she loves the rumble of his heart under her lips. her fingers fall to his pants, slipping between them to work on the clasps. ]
You're next.
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Okay then. Sure.
[just testing it out too.]
[he does not help her with his pants, as much as he wants to. sometimes he just wants her to do it for him! they're very similar that way. besides, it's a little thing he's working on too, just letting her... do things for him. he can't really kiss her from this angle, so he keeps walking them instead, stopping only when her back bumps into the wall.]
I am surprised it took you this long.
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Don't worry, [ comes her quiet, teasing reassurance as her fingers curl around the top of his pants to drag them down and pull them off, pressing kisses to the newly exposed skin as she frees it.. ] I promise you can fuck me against the wall before I eat dessert.
[ OHHHH SMOOTH AS FUCK. ]
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[he tucks his hand under her chin and tilts her head up.] You need to come back up here for me to do that. I want you up here first. Please.
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[ it is an assurance, for sure, but she remains slow and methodical as she slowly frees one leg from his pants and then the other, kissing down his thighs, disheveled hair brushing against his legs as she ducks her head, a kiss pressed to the side of his knee.
this is what he does to her; gentle and feather light and infuriatingly slow until she wants to crumble before they've even started. her name on his lips was like a power trip and it's not that she wants him to beg but... she wants him to want her, so badly. ]
I'll be there in a moment.
[ she takes her time straightening back up, tugging her own underwear down and off as she kisses back up all of cassian's bare skin. she kisses up his hip, across his belly, over his chest, until she's standing up again in front of him, pushing up on her tiptoes once more to kiss him on the mouth finally. ]
You can have me now.
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[her mouth is warm and he shudders under it. her mission is a success, he definitely wants her, badly. his hand brushes through her hair, but instead of grabbing it, he leans it against the wall for balance.]
[when she finally gets to her feet, she pops up between his arms and he eagerly kisses her back the moment she leans up. as soon as she says she can have him, he crowds up into her space, hips pressing her into the wall which is admittedly counterproductive to getting her up on the wall, but he wants to be close to her right now first. he wants to kiss her, biting at her lip and licking into her mouth. she has riled him up, but all of it makes it pretty clear how much he does want her.]
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