It's strange how some of the people here haven't even left their one planet.
[ she's not avoiding talking about her family, she's only noting the absurdity of some societies. jyn doesn't even see the appeal of exploring the stars but the idea of being bound to one planet forever is just mind-boggling.
leaning forward as she presses into another knot, one arm curls around his torso to press the heel of her hand against his breast bone. ] Breathe. You keep holding your breath.
[the longest cassian was ever in one place was fest. sometimes he forgets that a large number of people don't actually move around their whole lives.]
[her arm slides around him and his breath completely shorts out, which is literally the opposite of what she tells him to do. but she is pressed up tight from behind him and he can feel it all on his skin and he kind of wants to take her hand?]
[it takes him another few seconds to listen, drawing in a deep breath, then another.] Not on purpose. Better?
[ her arm stays curled around him so her hand can act as an anchor for his breathing, a reminder to keep breathing. she likes the feel of his heart beating under her palm, a steady thud that her own breathing instinctively matches pace to.
her fingers press hard again, further down, creeping toward the base of his spine, and since she's so close now she doesn't really need to speak loudly or even with a normal level and so her voice quiets to almost a whisper. ] Thoracolumbar fascia.
[cassian can feel her breath behind him start to move in sync with his, and it helps more than her hand to keep him on the right oxygen track. her hand is more distracting than anything else, warm and welcome pressure.]
[he shivers again when she names the muscle, the combination of how low her hand is with the sound of her voice. the tension has him shift, settling his hands beside him like he needs to check his balance, which means one of them lands on jyn's leg.]
[oh. okay. he'd been so relaxed and lost in her movements he somehow forgot how close she was on that front. too many seconds pass that it becomes awkward to pull away, so he'll just...leave it there. like that's what he meant to do. balance and all that.]
[ oblivious, jyn wonders if he's cold since he took his shirt off, maybe she should let him put his-- his hand is on her leg. jyn pauses, and her pause lengthens too long until she's been still so long that she's really just hugging him. eventually she gives into the urge and her forehead drops against his shoulder, exhaling long and slow as the hand on his back leaves so she can curl that around his shoulders too.
after a moment, she nods against his shoulder. ] Better.
[she notices, of course, and stills completely behind him. strangely, his breathing doesn't slow or speed up, and everything is just - calm. easy. even as she slides her other arm around him too, enveloping him and using his shoulder for a pillow.]
[he melts a little in her arms, feeling safe. completely relaxed. it's similar to how they fall asleep sometimes, but they are clearly not in bed right now. the hand not on her leg moves, lifting up and settling over hers like he wants to keep her there, finally following up on that urge.]
[dangerous, a little voice whispers. risky.]
[cassian ignores it like he's done since day one with jyn.]
[ this is just how they're going to sit now, it seems. jyn doesn't really mind, she finds, which is both odd and normal at the same time. there's always been a lack of personal space between them, like they were pulled into the each other's orbit, a binary star. how easy it is between them is still an oddity because jyn... isn't a people person. cassian was a spy. they shouldn't be this close.
and yet.
she shifts very slightly, pressing a little more comfortably to his back, arms going a little slack but still curled around him, feeling the warm of his hand over hers. the way her hand shifts to maybe slot their fingers together is simpy a byproduct of the movement and no conscious action on jyn's behalf.
at least that is her story. in their no lies household. ]
[his back is entirely exposed to her, and twenty years of war is yelling at him for it. he should feel vulnerable. he is sitting here vulnerable. she already admitted she knows how to break a body. instead when jyn leans in even closer, draping herself against him, cassian just sits and basks in how completely safe he feels. it's strange and kind of terrifying, but he doesn't want to let it escape yet.]
[she winds their fingers together, and he squeezes her hand. her breath is warm on his skin, but everything about him is warm right now. he's comfortable, and maybe a little bold. before he can overthink it, cassian lifts her hand up and brushes his lips against her knuckles, lingering for a moment before gently lowering them back down.]
[it's fine, it's cool. it's a thank you, or something.]
[ jyn finds. that she had absolutely zero idea how to react to that warmth and affection. it's been years since someone bothered, excepting the not quite goodbyes on scarif. excepting scarif as a whole. even then, this is not the same as their last embrace or baze's little sister or keeping hold of one another inside their memories.
her stomach flutters and she thinks maybe she drank too much before she recognizes the feeling as butterflies.
that's absurd. cassian is her friend, her dearest, closest friend who she doesn't think she can adequately function without because no one else will take over conversation when she's grown bored and annoyed. they died together, of course she feels something for him. but surely it's not romantic. even if he was and is the most beautiful thing she has seen, even if she can't imagine being this comfortable with anyone else. they're just friends, compariots, platonic war buddies. she doesn't like him.
her head shifts to rest her cheek against his shoulder instead of her forehead and his boldness emboldens her, leaving a brush of her lips across his skin. ]
[cassian is? very surprised at himself? once what he's done catches up to him fully. jyn didn't flinch. she didn't pull away. affection is not something he gives out freely. it's not something he gets himself either. it's something to withhold, to reject or ignore entirely. but here he is, still holding the hand he just kissed like it's the best thing in the world.]
[her lips move over his skin when she moves, and he squeezes her hand again, surprised. he literally just did almost the same to her, but somehow even idle affection aimed at him is even more bizarre. mostly because it's... genuine.]
[jyn genuinely cares about him and he's known that for a while, but the extent to which he feels the same has always caught him off guard. she is so incredibly important to him, and he uses the word friend liberally lately, but somehow in this small moment it doesn't feel quite enough. he died with her when he always thought he'd die alone. she's here with him again now, and they're still a team in this weird path to living in so-called normalcy.]
[he doesn't really know what he'd do without her. but he doesn't want to imagine being without her either. it can't be love, because cassian doesn't deserve love. but maybe it's close. she's his family, and he's never going to let that go.]
[he presses her hand back to his chest and smiles.]
[ the feeling of him holding her hand against him makes warmth blossom in her chest and she soaks it up like a sponge, however foreign and strange it may be. she likes their quiet, the companionable silence, and more than that she likes that cassian never finds the need to fill it.
at least not with her.
small talk isn't necessary, ruminating over the party and idle chatter about the food and guests is unnecessary and she appreciates not having to rehash the evening now that they're home. admittedly it leaves them in silence for some time, jyn draped across his back like a particularly fashion forward cape. finally she shifts, the leg tucked under her unfolding to spill off the couch next to his leg, dropping her down a few inches behind him and causing her cheek to slip the same few inches from atop his shoulder to merely resting against his back. ]
[arms around him is usually a threat. right now it's just peace. he even closes his eyes and keeps them closed, listening to the sound of jyn breathing behind and against him. she's always so cold, but right now she just feels warm. everything is warm and quiet and he doesn't mind the time ticking by when he's wrapped up in her.]
[he likes that he doesn't feel like he needs to talk. he likes that he can just sit here and not have to think about how to act, how to hold himself. he can just exist because he wants to. they sit in the quiet a lot and he appreciates it always, but he likes it this way more.]
[when she finally moves and breaks the silence, he tilts his head to get a better look at her with a short laugh that rolls through his chest.]
[ oh that's nice, she can feel his laughter vibrating against her hand, against all of her, really. instead of pulling away to forage around for food like a starving piglet, jyn shifts against to headbutt him a little. ]
Dinner was hours ago.
[ she's still draped around him like a human poncho. ]
[his smile widens when she headbutts him and he's kind of glad she can't see it, because it almost feels ridiculous. why is he smiling so much. this is dumb.]
[he ducks his head down and lifts his arm to rest his chin on their hands.]
[ only because cassian makes too much food, probably specifically so jyn won't eat it all. she still isn't moving, but she will. she will get up soon to eat, sure. that is definitely going to happen...
[but that still involves MOVING and he doesn't want to do that. good thing jyn apparently feels the same. it's a game of cuddle chicken, only the who will pull away first version. he might win, if only because she's the one being a koala.]
Then you can get it. [he almost uses his back hurting as an excuse, but that is no longer true, thanks jyn.]
[ eventually. eventually she will heat up food because she loves food more than anything, except. she still doesn't pull away, moving only a little to press her toes against the bottom edge of the couch, seeming to get comfortable again, breathing in and out a slow sigh as more of her body weight presses in on him.
on second thought, maybe she's not hungry after all. ]
[uh huh, sure, she'll get it. he believes her. he's not going to tell her to go though. cassian doesn't really think they can stay like this all night; as warm as it is, it's not the most comfortable for his back in the long run.]
[but he's going to enjoy it while it lasts. there's something very... nice, about being trusted to be a pillow, being trusted enough for jyn to relax against him. his feet are firmly on the ground, holding them both up.]
Thank you. [it breaks the silence a few minutes later, and maybe it's for the massage, but maybe it's for... more than that too. who knows!]
it breaks the silence and maybe breaks the spell because jyn s l o w l y disentangles herself from around him, eventually tucking her leg up under her again and shifting to sit beside him briefly before she stands up. ]
Anytime. [ and she means it, putting her warm hand on his shoulder and giving it a gentle squeeze, eyes briefly darting down to his bare chest. there's more scars there and before she can think to stop herself she's crouching down and pressing her fingertips to a scar low on his ribs. a splash of blaster fire, his name ripped from her lips ringing out in the echoing chamber of the data vault tower...
she swallows, pursing her lips, but says nothing about this particular scar. ]
[he misses her behind him as soon as she moves, even if recognizes they could not actually stay like that forever. logistically. her anytime is so honest that he takes it to heart. maybe he could just... ask her to do it again sometime. logistically it helped his back.]
[but then her gaze drops down, and he can't stop watching the way she watches him. his breath catches a little when she touches his skin, and his own gaze finally follows her hand to the scar. he knows immediately why she doesn't say anything. it's not like he forgot he was hit with a blaster too, but it kind of went to the wayside against the crunch of his bones.]
[she is seeing so much of him today. but he doesn't mind.]
[cassian touches her hand lightly, almost like a quiet reassurance because he also doesn't really know what to say. he looks back at her face and doesn't really know how to look away either.]
It's okay. [the scar? her hand on him?? literally everything about this evening???]
[ it's not okay. very little of their lives are okay and usually jyn doesn't care because she can't change it and maybe she wouldn't but now she is struck by the unfairness of their lives. everything could have gone differently... they could have met in a bar at university, both studying rocks because clearly he'd liked them when he was small. they could have had lives and a chance.
instead they'd spent all their chances.
she opens her mouth to say something, looking up to find cassian watching her and whatever she was going to say dies on her tongue. the warmth that had surrounded her pools in her belly, stretching out through her nerves like fingers across her skin. her mouth closes and she smiles at him, small and uncertain, but welcoming. maybe this is their chance. ]
You can return the favor next time. [ quid pro quo and fair is fair. her other hand covers his as she straightens up, pulling his hand with her, now caught in both of hers. ] Come on. Dinner.
[she looks at him so softly that his heart kind of flutters, because jyn never looks that soft. and it's him that's making her smile that way. something warm fills his chest, wrapped up in pure affection for her. it's a little scary, but he doesn't chase it away this time. he lets it settle and sit while she offers him to return the favor. she's not going anywhere, and neither is he.]
[he smiles back unbridled and commits the sight of her right now to memory.] Just let me know when.
[cassian lets her drag him to his feet and lets her start walking him towards the kitchen with zero desire to pull his hand out of hers. he does scoop his shirt from the couch though, because now that she's not draped all over him it's a lot colder.]
[ he clearly doesn't need that shirt but jyn can't exactly voice that and why would she? they're just friends. ]
A full dinner. You can have a half if you want it.
[ she stops in the kitchen and turns around to say something else about food but their tethered hands bring them fairly close and, well, she's about eye level with his chest. his bare chest. her stomach swoops and she puffs out a breath.
I can just steal a few bites of yours. [it doesn't work when he tells her that. but that's honestly all he wants!] I am not very hungry.
[he stops when she does, surprised by how close they are all of a sudden, like they weren't just pressed together, but it's different being face to face like this. he did not put his shirt back on yet. she is right there.]
[he swallows and thinks he should let go of her hand but no he refuses. he doesn't need a reason, no one is going to notice but her!] What are you heating up?
[ no he cannot steal a bite of hers, she wrinkles her nose at him, chin tipping up defiantly, but says nothing. for once. ]
The rice you made.
[ spicy rice with some kind of meat, beef or space lamb or tesco horse meat, she doesn't care and she wouldn't care. food is food and everything is better than a protein cube in prison. she has a feeling it's not as spicy as he would prefer, considering he'd warned her about the chili and then casually ate a bowl himself, but again -- prison. she'll need a few more months.
she extracts her hand easily by giving him something else to hold, pressing a jug of water into his arms to get it out of her way. once she's gotten the bowl of rice out and in the microwave, she takes the water back and tucks it back into the fridge. she leans against the counter as she waits for the food to reheat, fingers curled against the very edge, the position making her arms twist in a familiar way that looks just as painful for her shoulder as the way she was sat on the bench did. ]
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[ she's not avoiding talking about her family, she's only noting the absurdity of some societies. jyn doesn't even see the appeal of exploring the stars but the idea of being bound to one planet forever is just mind-boggling.
leaning forward as she presses into another knot, one arm curls around his torso to press the heel of her hand against his breast bone. ] Breathe. You keep holding your breath.
[ he probably doesn't even realize. ]
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[her arm slides around him and his breath completely shorts out, which is literally the opposite of what she tells him to do. but she is pressed up tight from behind him and he can feel it all on his skin and he kind of wants to take her hand?]
[it takes him another few seconds to listen, drawing in a deep breath, then another.] Not on purpose. Better?
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[ her arm stays curled around him so her hand can act as an anchor for his breathing, a reminder to keep breathing. she likes the feel of his heart beating under her palm, a steady thud that her own breathing instinctively matches pace to.
her fingers press hard again, further down, creeping toward the base of his spine, and since she's so close now she doesn't really need to speak loudly or even with a normal level and so her voice quiets to almost a whisper. ] Thoracolumbar fascia.
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[he shivers again when she names the muscle, the combination of how low her hand is with the sound of her voice. the tension has him shift, settling his hands beside him like he needs to check his balance, which means one of them lands on jyn's leg.]
[oh. okay. he'd been so relaxed and lost in her movements he somehow forgot how close she was on that front. too many seconds pass that it becomes awkward to pull away, so he'll just...leave it there. like that's what he meant to do. balance and all that.]
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after a moment, she nods against his shoulder. ] Better.
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[he melts a little in her arms, feeling safe. completely relaxed. it's similar to how they fall asleep sometimes, but they are clearly not in bed right now. the hand not on her leg moves, lifting up and settling over hers like he wants to keep her there, finally following up on that urge.]
[dangerous, a little voice whispers. risky.]
[cassian ignores it like he's done since day one with jyn.]
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and yet.
she shifts very slightly, pressing a little more comfortably to his back, arms going a little slack but still curled around him, feeling the warm of his hand over hers. the way her hand shifts to maybe slot their fingers together is simpy a byproduct of the movement and no conscious action on jyn's behalf.
at least that is her story. in their no lies household. ]
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[she winds their fingers together, and he squeezes her hand. her breath is warm on his skin, but everything about him is warm right now. he's comfortable, and maybe a little bold. before he can overthink it, cassian lifts her hand up and brushes his lips against her knuckles, lingering for a moment before gently lowering them back down.]
[it's fine, it's cool. it's a thank you, or something.]
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her stomach flutters and she thinks maybe she drank too much before she recognizes the feeling as butterflies.
that's absurd. cassian is her friend, her dearest, closest friend who she doesn't think she can adequately function without because no one else will take over conversation when she's grown bored and annoyed. they died together, of course she feels something for him. but surely it's not romantic. even if he was and is the most beautiful thing she has seen, even if she can't imagine being this comfortable with anyone else. they're just friends, compariots, platonic war buddies. she doesn't like him.
her head shifts to rest her cheek against his shoulder instead of her forehead and his boldness emboldens her, leaving a brush of her lips across his skin. ]
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[her lips move over his skin when she moves, and he squeezes her hand again, surprised. he literally just did almost the same to her, but somehow even idle affection aimed at him is even more bizarre. mostly because it's... genuine.]
[jyn genuinely cares about him and he's known that for a while, but the extent to which he feels the same has always caught him off guard. she is so incredibly important to him, and he uses the word friend liberally lately, but somehow in this small moment it doesn't feel quite enough. he died with her when he always thought he'd die alone. she's here with him again now, and they're still a team in this weird path to living in so-called normalcy.]
[he doesn't really know what he'd do without her. but he doesn't want to imagine being without her either. it can't be love, because cassian doesn't deserve love. but maybe it's close. she's his family, and he's never going to let that go.]
[he presses her hand back to his chest and smiles.]
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at least not with her.
small talk isn't necessary, ruminating over the party and idle chatter about the food and guests is unnecessary and she appreciates not having to rehash the evening now that they're home. admittedly it leaves them in silence for some time, jyn draped across his back like a particularly fashion forward cape. finally she shifts, the leg tucked under her unfolding to spill off the couch next to his leg, dropping her down a few inches behind him and causing her cheek to slip the same few inches from atop his shoulder to merely resting against his back. ]
I'm hungry.
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[he likes that he doesn't feel like he needs to talk. he likes that he can just sit here and not have to think about how to act, how to hold himself. he can just exist because he wants to. they sit in the quiet a lot and he appreciates it always, but he likes it this way more.]
[when she finally moves and breaks the silence, he tilts his head to get a better look at her with a short laugh that rolls through his chest.]
Already? [jyn you ate so much food.]
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Dinner was hours ago.
[ she's still draped around him like a human poncho. ]
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[he ducks his head down and lifts his arm to rest his chin on their hands.]
I don't want to cook anything.
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[ only because cassian makes too much food, probably specifically so jyn won't eat it all. she still isn't moving, but she will. she will get up soon to eat, sure. that is definitely going to happen...
soon. ]
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Then you can get it. [he almost uses his back hurting as an excuse, but that is no longer true, thanks jyn.]
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[ eventually. eventually she will heat up food because she loves food more than anything, except. she still doesn't pull away, moving only a little to press her toes against the bottom edge of the couch, seeming to get comfortable again, breathing in and out a slow sigh as more of her body weight presses in on him.
on second thought, maybe she's not hungry after all. ]
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[but he's going to enjoy it while it lasts. there's something very... nice, about being trusted to be a pillow, being trusted enough for jyn to relax against him. his feet are firmly on the ground, holding them both up.]
Thank you. [it breaks the silence a few minutes later, and maybe it's for the massage, but maybe it's for... more than that too. who knows!]
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it breaks the silence and maybe breaks the spell because jyn s l o w l y disentangles herself from around him, eventually tucking her leg up under her again and shifting to sit beside him briefly before she stands up. ]
Anytime. [ and she means it, putting her warm hand on his shoulder and giving it a gentle squeeze, eyes briefly darting down to his bare chest. there's more scars there and before she can think to stop herself she's crouching down and pressing her fingertips to a scar low on his ribs. a splash of blaster fire, his name ripped from her lips ringing out in the echoing chamber of the data vault tower...
she swallows, pursing her lips, but says nothing about this particular scar. ]
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[but then her gaze drops down, and he can't stop watching the way she watches him. his breath catches a little when she touches his skin, and his own gaze finally follows her hand to the scar. he knows immediately why she doesn't say anything. it's not like he forgot he was hit with a blaster too, but it kind of went to the wayside against the crunch of his bones.]
[she is seeing so much of him today. but he doesn't mind.]
[cassian touches her hand lightly, almost like a quiet reassurance because he also doesn't really know what to say. he looks back at her face and doesn't really know how to look away either.]
It's okay. [the scar? her hand on him?? literally everything about this evening???]
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instead they'd spent all their chances.
she opens her mouth to say something, looking up to find cassian watching her and whatever she was going to say dies on her tongue. the warmth that had surrounded her pools in her belly, stretching out through her nerves like fingers across her skin. her mouth closes and she smiles at him, small and uncertain, but welcoming. maybe this is their chance. ]
You can return the favor next time. [ quid pro quo and fair is fair. her other hand covers his as she straightens up, pulling his hand with her, now caught in both of hers. ] Come on. Dinner.
[ second dinner. ]
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[he smiles back unbridled and commits the sight of her right now to memory.] Just let me know when.
[cassian lets her drag him to his feet and lets her start walking him towards the kitchen with zero desire to pull his hand out of hers. he does scoop his shirt from the couch though, because now that she's not draped all over him it's a lot colder.]
Half a dinner.
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A full dinner. You can have a half if you want it.
[ she stops in the kitchen and turns around to say something else about food but their tethered hands bring them fairly close and, well, she's about eye level with his chest. his bare chest. her stomach swoops and she puffs out a breath.
kriffing fuck. ]
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I can just steal a few bites of yours. [it doesn't work when he tells her that. but that's honestly all he wants!] I am not very hungry.
[he stops when she does, surprised by how close they are all of a sudden, like they weren't just pressed together, but it's different being face to face like this. he did not put his shirt back on yet. she is right there.]
[he swallows and thinks he should let go of her hand but no he refuses. he doesn't need a reason, no one is going to notice but her!] What are you heating up?
[there, real words.]
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The rice you made.
[ spicy rice with some kind of meat, beef or space lamb or tesco horse meat, she doesn't care and she wouldn't care. food is food and everything is better than a protein cube in prison. she has a feeling it's not as spicy as he would prefer, considering he'd warned her about the chili and then casually ate a bowl himself, but again -- prison. she'll need a few more months.
she extracts her hand easily by giving him something else to hold, pressing a jug of water into his arms to get it out of her way. once she's gotten the bowl of rice out and in the microwave, she takes the water back and tucks it back into the fridge. she leans against the counter as she waits for the food to reheat, fingers curled against the very edge, the position making her arms twist in a familiar way that looks just as painful for her shoulder as the way she was sat on the bench did. ]
Have you been to a fancy party like that before?
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