You're laughing anyway. [maybe it was a little stupid, just like his urge to kiss her again is probably stupid. too much too soon, he thinks. he's spared when she climbs off him, and he kind of misses it. as though she won't curl up against him later when they go to bed.]
[maybe he should have seen this coming way sooner.]
[he shuffles around to sit up, with zero pain in his back. he wants to ask her to tuck herself in against him, but it's another area that just feels... weird to navigate. he doesn't know how to ask. it's all Too Real for him! instead he just drops his arm over the couch and hopes maybe?? that will be enough??]
[ i mean he has got her there, she did laugh. she encouraged him. gdi. she was too weak and now he thinks he's adorable.
she shakes her head, but notices that he's opened up a space for her and force if she doesn't want to take it, even if it's not her normal, comfortable spot. she scrambles off the couch for a moment and drags the ottoman back to fit into the empty spot that makes it a big ol' bed almost.
when that's done, she grabs a blanket and settles neatly next to cassian, tucking the blanket around her. ]
[he bites his cheek to stop himself from smiling like an idiot when she tucks herself in, blanket and ottoman in all. they do get pretty cuddly on the couch already, but never quite like this.]
[he pulls up the holofilm, and the cat jumps up, padding across jyn to curl up in his lap. tentatively, he slips his arm from the couch so it's around her, but very gently, watching for any sign it might be too much.]
[ she doesn't snuggle so much as simply leaning against him. it's comfortable with her legs stretched out next to his, the weight of his arm over her shoulders. they watch the movie in companionable silence for a while until half way through jyn sleepily murmurs: ]
I feel alive, when I'm with you. Like... we have a chance to be-- [ her shoulders lift in a shrug. words have always been hard for her. ] Better than our lives.
[it's comfortable. they're not so wound up that they can't get up without making a fuss. they're just sitting together, companionably.]
[i feel alive when i'm with you. maybe the words were hard, but they settle deep into his bones and mean more to him than he can explain. people don't usually feel alive with him. they just end up dead. and they are, they did die - but they're here now. she made him want to do better and he's still trying.]
[he leans over and kisses the top of her head.] I think we can be. I already do feel better, with you.
[ in it to win it. jyn has know she and cassian were on the same team since he said he and his gang of broken rebels were in it for the long haul, however short it turned out being. she had been scared then, that they were asking her for absolution but now she knows they were just looking for a chance to do right by themselves for once. a chance to do something they were proud of. ]
[welcome home echoes in his head again, because that's what this feels like. home. it's not just that jyn is home, it's that they are home together.]
[okay. good. yeah. decision made and sealed.]
[the quiet settles over them again, but it's not much longer until cassian can tell jyn has fallen asleep on him. so has the cat. he is in a pile of warm and the only reason he doesn't fall asleep himself is because he wants to be awake to enjoy every second of this.]
[of course that means he's awake when the movie ends, and as comfortable as it is, he knows staying like this all night will just screw up his back again.]
[ jyn always wakes up immediately, even if she rarely chooses to actually act on being awake because of many reasons, chief among them ew. she wakes up, feels cassian beside her and decides that no, she doesn't want to be awake. ]
It's warm here.
[ the doesn't mean she isn't agreeable to laying down, but with the ottoman tucked in the couch is effectively a bed so instead of getting up and plodding unhappily to bed, she tips over away from him and stretches out. like she's laying in bed. ]
[sleepy jyn is hilarious and it always amuses him. now he even lets himself find it adorable, tucking that thought away never to see the light of day.]
[the cat wakes up and stretches, kneading briefly into cassian's legs before hopping off the couch and trotting towards the bed. she knows the drill! he sets his hand briefly on her leg, nudging it away to hint he wants to get up too.]
You can stay here if you want, but I'm going to use the actual bed.
[ she curls up under the blanket, sliding her legs from his, leaving plenty of room for him to settle in behind her but nope, he's going to go to the cold bed and spoon with the cat and that's fine. ]
[he frowns. he... wants to sleep next to her like always, but the couch! is not a good idea! he climbs reluctantly off the cushions, but hovers above her.]
[he would just go normally but he doesn't want her to think he's avoiding her. he also thinks it might be weird if he just asked her to come to bed with him. he brushes some of the hair from her face, feeling very fond.]
I cannot sleep on the couch tonight, Jyn. That's all. [a beat, before he adds on much more quietly:] Good night.
[ it's his back. that takes all the stubbornness out of her sails and she blindly catches his hand as his fingers leave her cheek, eyes opening a moment later. she doesn't ask for help up, but she keeps hold of his hand as she swings herself up to sit, shoving to her knees so she can slide off the couch. ]
's cheating. [ she'll let go of his hand to flounce to bed now, crawling in and taking the side that is usually his. she will give in to his back always, concern overwhelming most other emotions at whatever time. it's a rubbish weakness, but at least it's specific to him.
no one else is going to sway her with their injuries. ]
[the moment she catches his hand, he perks up. he wasn't trying to use his back to get her to come to bed, but he's not going to complain.]
[he's not even going to complain that she takes his side of the - admittedly much bigger - bed. they're still getting used to it.] Like you have not done similar, on purpose.
[but he sounds happy as he follows after her. only then does he realize she took his spot, so she wants... him? to be the big spoon? he crawls into bed and moves in closer. he's woken up like that before, arms tangled around her, but very rarely do they go to sleep that way.]
[he rolls in and tentatively drops his arm over her waist. normal, they can be normal. it's fine, the kiss changes nothing about how they are!]
[ the kiss changes nothing, right. exactly. jyn just wanted to feel enveloped in warmth, that's why she took his side. she was warm on the couch, she wants to remain warm in bed.
(the cat seems particularly disturbed by this change in her environment, pacing back and forth at the foot of the bed before she settles unhappily by their feet.)
[the cat will get used to it. they'll get used to it. they might not even sleep the same way tomorrow but maybe there are other things they just... need to get used to.]
[he tucks in a little closer, getting comfortable like he normally would. he resists the urge to kiss her, be it on the hair or shoulder. that would make it not normal. it is very warm like this. he likes it.]
Goodnight, Jyn.
[he almost tacks on an i love you, but he resists that urge too, and within minutes, they both drift off to sleep on this very normal very standard evening.]
until a bad dream, not a nightmare, jerks jyn awake. she can feel cassian's arm tighten around her like a reflex and she mutters a quiet reassurance that she's fine as she sits up, pushing her hair back from her face and neck. already the dream is slipping away but that panic that had started earlier wells up, making her chest feel painfully tight.
slipping from the bed -- easier for being on the outside for once -- she shambles to the bathroom, hoping cold water will make this weird feeling go away but it persists. running is usually how she copes with this kind of feeling, but it feels odd right now. like it'll be too much like running away. she rests her forehead against the 'fresher door but the pressure continues to build and she snaps.
yanking on her shoes, she scribbles a note and rests it on the pillow next to cassian. she knows he's in some semblance of awake, but just in case. gone for a run. back in one hour. a second reassurance is scrawled on the back and her fingers brush his arm before she turns and scampers out of the apartment. ]
[they always seem to wake up when the other has too. the quiet reassurances, the little touches, usually help settle into something easier. not better, just easier.]
[jyn climbs out of bed instead. cassian wakes up fully, but he doesn't follow after her. he stays in bed, eyes shut and listening to the way she moves through the house. there's something off about it that makes him a little nervous, doubly when he senses her leaving a note, the way she touches him. she barely shuts the door before he's scrambling up and reading the note with a churning dread in his gut.]
[a run. she went for a run at - he checks - 3 in the morning. jyn runs to cope with stress, but the timing is too strange to him and he already knows he's not going to fall back asleep. he doesn't disbelieve she'll return, but it kind of triggers off all his own lingering thoughts.]
[he waits. his brain starts to run through a billion scenarios because the bed is empty and jyn left and he kissed her and what if it was him that made her feel like she needed to leave? he spends about fifteen minutes internally freaking out before digging around for his phone and trying to convince himself it's okay to ask someone for help. for advice.]
[he has no experience in this kind of thing. but maybe jim does.]
[ her run takes her to finn and not much in the way of advice, but solidarity in not knowing how the everloving heck to maneuver something like this. it makes her feel less like some kind of emotionless monster or emotional disaster, neither of which she can fully decide on.
an hour after she left, however, she slips back inside, leaving her shoes by the door. she's about ready to peel off her tank top for a new one when she notices cassian is sitting up in bed and her shoulders slump. she'd left a note so he wouldn't worry but she can almost feel the worry coming off him. ]
You should have gone back to sleep. [ instead of changing, she sinks down on the bed. maybe she'll just change in the morning. maybe if she simply goes back to sleep cassian will, too... she's at least going to lay back down to test this theory, reclining down on to her back so she can still look at him. ] Come back to sleep.
[it's almost exactly an hour later when the door opens and jyn slips back inside, and despite everything, cassian feels a little bit of relief to see her. he's just spent however long texting back and forth with jim, and he's still not settled, he's still worried, but at least she's back.]
[and climbing into bed like everything is still normal. but for the first time he doesn't feel quite so normal. he feels like they should talk about it, but he doesn't know where to start, and he doesn't know if four in the morning is a good time. maybe there's no such thing as the perfect moment for them.]
I should be telling you that. [because she is the one who went out! he does not lay down beside her, however tempting it is, but he does look down at her with a little frown on his face, still exuding that worry.] Are you... okay?
[ they're back in the honesty bubble and jyn takes that seriously, and not just for the benefit of cassian's post-espionage life. saw hid so much from her, even cassian did at the beginning. not being ignorant to everything around her is important. her hands wind together across her stomach, one leg drawing up until her knee is bent. it tips over against the bed like a flat passé. ]
It's not bad or-- I don't regret... earlier. I don't know how to do any of this, I don't... [ she huffs out a tiny sigh. ] I don't how to be... [ her mouth works to figure out the right word when it could be many: normal, capable of basic human emotion, not prepared for a thousand other shoes to drop, a good person who deserves good things. ] Happy.
[ there's a tinge of bitterness when she adds on a murmur: ] I couldn't even tell that's what I felt.
[he's not expecting much of anything, because he knows talking is hard. he hates talking. they have processed so little between them, despite how much they've come to understand it all and understand each other. he watches her wriggle around and listens when she opens up, carefully and quietly, and his heart hurts. not because it worries him, but because of their lives. the galaxy crushed down their emotions into the dirt, and neither of them know how to grow it back.]
I don't know how either. [something in him deflates a little when he admits it.] I have always assumed I could not be happy. That I did not deserve it.
[jim told him to tell her how he feels, but there are a lot of feelings he's still sorting through. things he doesn't know how to describe. things he shut off that are leaking out. he can't tell her if he's not sure what they are.]
All of this is... unfamiliar to me too. I just know you do make me happy. That seems like step one.
How many steps do you think there are? [ it's... half serious but more in that she thinks a guideline would be useful. unless they're going to be climbing these steps for the rest of their lives.
she shakes her head, that's not really important. they're happy together and she wishes she could just leave it at that but it's the first time something hasn't come naturally to her in regards to him. it's always been easy, even when they were fighting, the fighting was easy. navigating this is difficult. ]
[he gives her a weak, almost self-deprecating smile.] I am not sure either, remember? But I don't think they will go on forever. If anyone can reach the top, it's me and you.
[he sighs a little, but it's quiet and mostly just tired. cassian fell in with jyn very easily and very quickly, even kissing her was easy. now he's afraid he's going to mess this part up like he messes up himself and his emotions. jyn deserves good things, and he wants so badly to be one of those good things.]
What we do... is probably up to us. Maybe there is no right or wrong way. I don't have an answer, but we could try to figure it out, together. Find our own way.
[ it's almost like he's saying they're used to defeating insurmountable odds. jyn breathes out a laugh though because he's right. ]
...that's what Finn said.
[ finn also noted that cassian had the same limited emotional experience so really, he hit it out of the part with knowing them and jyn doesn't feel even a little embarrassed to admit she went to finn during her run. it would have come up eventually considering now finn Knows. ]
[something almost like a smile teases his face. she laughed. and she went to finn. it makes sense? finn relates to them both in the "how do you function like a real person" dilemma, and he finds he doesn't mind that finn Knows.]
[though he does remind him he should probably tell her that jim also Knows.]
Then maybe we are all on to something. [he pauses, then his face turns a little apologetic.] Jim said we should... talk. But I am not sure how to do that either. We're talking now, and we did before.
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[maybe he should have seen this coming way sooner.]
[he shuffles around to sit up, with zero pain in his back. he wants to ask her to tuck herself in against him, but it's another area that just feels... weird to navigate. he doesn't know how to ask. it's all Too Real for him! instead he just drops his arm over the couch and hopes maybe?? that will be enough??]
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she shakes her head, but notices that he's opened up a space for her and force if she doesn't want to take it, even if it's not her normal, comfortable spot. she scrambles off the couch for a moment and drags the ottoman back to fit into the empty spot that makes it a big ol' bed almost.
when that's done, she grabs a blanket and settles neatly next to cassian, tucking the blanket around her. ]
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[he pulls up the holofilm, and the cat jumps up, padding across jyn to curl up in his lap. tentatively, he slips his arm from the couch so it's around her, but very gently, watching for any sign it might be too much.]
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I feel alive, when I'm with you. Like... we have a chance to be-- [ her shoulders lift in a shrug. words have always been hard for her. ] Better than our lives.
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[i feel alive when i'm with you. maybe the words were hard, but they settle deep into his bones and mean more to him than he can explain. people don't usually feel alive with him. they just end up dead. and they are, they did die - but they're here now. she made him want to do better and he's still trying.]
[he leans over and kisses the top of her head.] I think we can be. I already do feel better, with you.
It's a chance I would like to take with you too.
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[ in it to win it. jyn has know she and cassian were on the same team since he said he and his gang of broken rebels were in it for the long haul, however short it turned out being. she had been scared then, that they were asking her for absolution but now she knows they were just looking for a chance to do right by themselves for once. a chance to do something they were proud of. ]
That's it then.
[ decided.
they're home. ]
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[okay. good. yeah. decision made and sealed.]
[the quiet settles over them again, but it's not much longer until cassian can tell jyn has fallen asleep on him. so has the cat. he is in a pile of warm and the only reason he doesn't fall asleep himself is because he wants to be awake to enjoy every second of this.]
[of course that means he's awake when the movie ends, and as comfortable as it is, he knows staying like this all night will just screw up his back again.]
[he prods her gently.] Jyn. We need to go to bed.
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It's warm here.
[ the doesn't mean she isn't agreeable to laying down, but with the ottoman tucked in the couch is effectively a bed so instead of getting up and plodding unhappily to bed, she tips over away from him and stretches out. like she's laying in bed. ]
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[the cat wakes up and stretches, kneading briefly into cassian's legs before hopping off the couch and trotting towards the bed. she knows the drill! he sets his hand briefly on her leg, nudging it away to hint he wants to get up too.]
You can stay here if you want, but I'm going to use the actual bed.
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if he thinks she is moving now ]
Night.
[ she curls up under the blanket, sliding her legs from his, leaving plenty of room for him to settle in behind her but nope, he's going to go to the cold bed and spoon with the cat and that's fine. ]
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[he would just go normally but he doesn't want her to think he's avoiding her. he also thinks it might be weird if he just asked her to come to bed with him. he brushes some of the hair from her face, feeling very fond.]
I cannot sleep on the couch tonight, Jyn. That's all. [a beat, before he adds on much more quietly:] Good night.
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's cheating. [ she'll let go of his hand to flounce to bed now, crawling in and taking the side that is usually his. she will give in to his back always, concern overwhelming most other emotions at whatever time. it's a rubbish weakness, but at least it's specific to him.
no one else is going to sway her with their injuries. ]
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[he's not even going to complain that she takes his side of the - admittedly much bigger - bed. they're still getting used to it.] Like you have not done similar, on purpose.
[but he sounds happy as he follows after her. only then does he realize she took his spot, so she wants... him? to be the big spoon? he crawls into bed and moves in closer. he's woken up like that before, arms tangled around her, but very rarely do they go to sleep that way.]
[he rolls in and tentatively drops his arm over her waist. normal, they can be normal. it's fine, the kiss changes nothing about how they are!]
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(the cat seems particularly disturbed by this change in her environment, pacing back and forth at the foot of the bed before she settles unhappily by their feet.)
it's completely normal. nothing has changed. ]
Night, Captain.
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[he tucks in a little closer, getting comfortable like he normally would. he resists the urge to kiss her, be it on the hair or shoulder. that would make it not normal. it is very warm like this. he likes it.]
Goodnight, Jyn.
[he almost tacks on an i love you, but he resists that urge too, and within minutes, they both drift off to sleep on this very normal very standard evening.]
[n o r m a l.]
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until a bad dream, not a nightmare, jerks jyn awake. she can feel cassian's arm tighten around her like a reflex and she mutters a quiet reassurance that she's fine as she sits up, pushing her hair back from her face and neck. already the dream is slipping away but that panic that had started earlier wells up, making her chest feel painfully tight.
slipping from the bed -- easier for being on the outside for once -- she shambles to the bathroom, hoping cold water will make this weird feeling go away but it persists. running is usually how she copes with this kind of feeling, but it feels odd right now. like it'll be too much like running away. she rests her forehead against the 'fresher door but the pressure continues to build and she snaps.
yanking on her shoes, she scribbles a note and rests it on the pillow next to cassian. she knows he's in some semblance of awake, but just in case. gone for a run. back in one hour. a second reassurance is scrawled on the back and her fingers brush his arm before she turns and scampers out of the apartment. ]
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[jyn climbs out of bed instead. cassian wakes up fully, but he doesn't follow after her. he stays in bed, eyes shut and listening to the way she moves through the house. there's something off about it that makes him a little nervous, doubly when he senses her leaving a note, the way she touches him. she barely shuts the door before he's scrambling up and reading the note with a churning dread in his gut.]
[a run. she went for a run at - he checks - 3 in the morning. jyn runs to cope with stress, but the timing is too strange to him and he already knows he's not going to fall back asleep. he doesn't disbelieve she'll return, but it kind of triggers off all his own lingering thoughts.]
[he waits. his brain starts to run through a billion scenarios because the bed is empty and jyn left and he kissed her and what if it was him that made her feel like she needed to leave? he spends about fifteen minutes internally freaking out before digging around for his phone and trying to convince himself it's okay to ask someone for help. for advice.]
[he has no experience in this kind of thing. but maybe jim does.]
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an hour after she left, however, she slips back inside, leaving her shoes by the door. she's about ready to peel off her tank top for a new one when she notices cassian is sitting up in bed and her shoulders slump. she'd left a note so he wouldn't worry but she can almost feel the worry coming off him. ]
You should have gone back to sleep. [ instead of changing, she sinks down on the bed. maybe she'll just change in the morning. maybe if she simply goes back to sleep cassian will, too... she's at least going to lay back down to test this theory, reclining down on to her back so she can still look at him. ] Come back to sleep.
[ see? everything is fine and normal. ]
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[and climbing into bed like everything is still normal. but for the first time he doesn't feel quite so normal. he feels like they should talk about it, but he doesn't know where to start, and he doesn't know if four in the morning is a good time. maybe there's no such thing as the perfect moment for them.]
I should be telling you that. [because she is the one who went out! he does not lay down beside her, however tempting it is, but he does look down at her with a little frown on his face, still exuding that worry.] Are you... okay?
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[ they're back in the honesty bubble and jyn takes that seriously, and not just for the benefit of cassian's post-espionage life. saw hid so much from her, even cassian did at the beginning. not being ignorant to everything around her is important. her hands wind together across her stomach, one leg drawing up until her knee is bent. it tips over against the bed like a flat passé. ]
It's not bad or-- I don't regret... earlier. I don't know how to do any of this, I don't... [ she huffs out a tiny sigh. ] I don't how to be... [ her mouth works to figure out the right word when it could be many: normal, capable of basic human emotion, not prepared for a thousand other shoes to drop, a good person who deserves good things. ] Happy.
[ there's a tinge of bitterness when she adds on a murmur: ] I couldn't even tell that's what I felt.
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I don't know how either. [something in him deflates a little when he admits it.] I have always assumed I could not be happy. That I did not deserve it.
[jim told him to tell her how he feels, but there are a lot of feelings he's still sorting through. things he doesn't know how to describe. things he shut off that are leaking out. he can't tell her if he's not sure what they are.]
All of this is... unfamiliar to me too. I just know you do make me happy. That seems like step one.
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How many steps do you think there are? [ it's... half serious but more in that she thinks a guideline would be useful. unless they're going to be climbing these steps for the rest of their lives.
she shakes her head, that's not really important. they're happy together and she wishes she could just leave it at that but it's the first time something hasn't come naturally to her in regards to him. it's always been easy, even when they were fighting, the fighting was easy. navigating this is difficult. ]
What do we do now?
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[he sighs a little, but it's quiet and mostly just tired. cassian fell in with jyn very easily and very quickly, even kissing her was easy. now he's afraid he's going to mess this part up like he messes up himself and his emotions. jyn deserves good things, and he wants so badly to be one of those good things.]
What we do... is probably up to us. Maybe there is no right or wrong way. I don't have an answer, but we could try to figure it out, together. Find our own way.
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...that's what Finn said.
[ finn also noted that cassian had the same limited emotional experience so really, he hit it out of the part with knowing them and jyn doesn't feel even a little embarrassed to admit she went to finn during her run. it would have come up eventually considering now finn Knows. ]
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[though he does remind him he should probably tell her that jim also Knows.]
Then maybe we are all on to something. [he pauses, then his face turns a little apologetic.] Jim said we should... talk. But I am not sure how to do that either. We're talking now, and we did before.
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