Only because you distracted me. [between food and feelings! but he doesn't sound annoyed by the interruption. he's actually glad for it, because it was jyn talking about how she was feeling! he would gladly have her interrupt anything for that.]
[he reaches for her hand and tugs her in towards him, close enough that he can resettle his hands at her hips. he kisses her forehead first.] It's one of my favorite things to do now, you know.
[no time for a response to that! because now he is kissing her, ducking his head down to meet her lips with a smile.]
[ she is well aware that cassian is down to kiss her literally all the time. she wakes up to his kisses and it's the best thing in the galaxy, waking up to warmth and affection and a peace she'd never even fathomed.
she hums into it, happy. she's still ill equipped to handle most emotions, needing to be dragged kicking and screaming into them, but letting cassian love her becomes easier every day, like it is the gravity that holds them in each others orbit, before either of them even realized. the possibility, the almost, had always been lingering there under the surface but circumstances had never allowed for that kind of thing.
at least not in their lives, before.
now, on the other hand: ] What are your other favorite things?
[ but wait, there's more! kissing, more kissing. ]
[always more kissing! he did say it was one of his favorite things, so he is more than happy to kiss first and answer the question later. sometimes he still can't believe he gets to kiss her whenever he wants. that she welcomes it, wants it too.]
[he breaks from the kiss, just enough to let out a laugh, breath fanning over her mouth because he hasn't moved away.]
I like to make you laugh. [he punctuates it with another kiss. he... loves to make jyn laugh, not just because the sound is amazing, but because it makes him feel capable of good things.]
I like to run my hands through your hair. [which he then demonstrates, tangling his fingers behind her head while he ducks in to kiss her again. the little confessions spill out far more easily than they might have a few months ago.]
[ oh ho, what is this? cassian is telling her what he likes? it's tiny, basic stuff -- he's told her he likes to hear her laugh before -- but it's something! it's more than trailing off and distracting her with more kisses. she groans out a soft little noise when his fingers curl into her hair, feeling his fingertips pressing against the base of her skull, tipping her head up to meet his kiss.
yes, she likes that as well. ]
Yeah, show me. That's good. I'll take notes later...
[ if she is distracted it is because she's being very thoroughly kissed and she honestly can't be blamed for her light, thready voice and flushed cheeks. ]
[he tangles his fingers into her hair at the sound she makes, always categorizing her reactions to everything he does. kissing jyn really has turned into one of his favorite things, he wasn't being hyperbolic.]
[her cheeks are already red and her breath is already short, but he finds he wants to make her flush deepen and draw out little gasps too.]
[he wants to take her shirt off.]
[he's about two seconds from asking, when he remembers his offer to show her, and her very definitive show me. it makes part of him nervous, like he should check in, but her tone and eagerness is it's own reassurance.]
[he likes that too. so his hands both drop to her waist, curling up under the hem, and he starts to tug it up. it's not molasses, but it's slow enough that if she doesn't want him to, she can stop it. that's... probably a good middle ground.]
[she does not stop him, so her shirt comes up and over, and he tosses it idly on one of the nearby chairs.]
[ she's wearing a bra today, a thin cotton thing that is nearly as basic as military issue undergarments but soft and sumptuous in a way that her prison garb never was. her arms fall back to her sides as he looks at her, smile playing idly at her lips. ]
I like it, too. I'm surprised you didn't fold it.
[ he!! can be!! irritatingly thorough! and jyn is always restless so she knows that sometimes he does it on purpose because he probably enjoys her impatience. ]
[she's right! he does enjoy her impatience! he finds it hilarious, but he also likes the way it makes him feel... wanted.]
[his gaze drops over her as it's wont to do, a teasing smile playing at his mouth. he loves her no matter what she's wearing, but he has been staring at her bra straps all day. she didn't care that he just lifted her shirt off, so he feels better now, nerves eaten by need.]
[ jyn's hands snap to cassian's hips, grip probably too tight but she's making a point here, pressing her fingertips roughly into his thin frame and using it to pull herself toward him until she can't drag herself any further into his personal space.
her voice is a low hum, tempting and promising, ] If you even think about it I will jettison you into space without an enviro-suit, Captain Andor.
[he goes to her willingly, his smile widening with mirth when presses up and she threatens him. it's never going to be the right reaction to have, but it's not going to stop him. maybe it's because he knows she'll never follow through, and it just reminds him of how much he trusts her.]
[or maybe he's somewhat of a masochist.]
[he drops his own hands to the bare skin just above her leggings.] Don't worry. The only thing I am still thinking about right now is kissing you.
[he doesn't bother with any sort of verbal reply. he just shoots her another grin, then ducks down to press his lips to hers. his hands grip tightly at her waist, like he wants to lift her up, but instead he just uses his hold to keep her flush against him.]
[it feels very strange to just... go for what he wants, and part of him is struggling with it. like he shouldn't be allowed. but she still has not objected to anything, so kissing her is easy.]
[it's good and nice and warm, and the press of her against him is a comfort as much as it urges him on.]
[ she isn't going to object to anything so he better keep going. it strikes her, with a soft laugh, arms curling around his shoulders, that although she was the one who struggled with the first awkward missteps of their relationship -- she's usually the one that initiates these encounters.
she pulls back a little, mouth moving across stubble to press kisses down his jaw. ]
[he lets out a quiet but happy sigh as she kisses over his jaw, letting himself accept the affection without question. she makes it easy, though he can't quite explain how or why.]
[his eyes open and he tries to look at her face so he doesn't start to worry again about taking a more direct lead.]
It helps knowing you like it. [it does, that verbal affirmation combined with the way she kisses him. he runs his hand gently up her spine.] I want to make decisions. It is hard to convince myself it's okay sometimes.
[ jyn draws back enough to look at him when he twists, so he doesn't have to crane his neck to look at her clear eyes and serene expression. she's happy and safe and loved and she trusts him. ]
It is okay and I want you to.
[ even if he decides to keep checking in with her or if he decides they're going to play cu'bikad in their underwear and not make out at all... fine. she makes a mental note to see if she can find a dejarik board in town or something similar enough.
[it settles him more when she meets his gaze, and he thinks not for the first time, how could he be so lucky to find her? to find someone who gets him so well and has no judgments on anything he needs or is?]
[he kisses her once, softly.]
[and then shivers a little when she calls him captain.]
[he takes her hands and moves them down to his shirt, curling her fingers around the hem. his voice is quiet; it's not a demand, but it's still very direct. there's a please in there too, because he still needs that.] Take it off.
[ he doesn't need to tell jyn twice. he barely needs to tell her once because as soon as her hands are on his shirt she's already pushing it up his torso, dragging her hands up his chest because that is the life she is about. when she pulls it over his head, though, she pauses, taking a step back to shake out the shirt, make sure it's not inside out before she carefully folds it and sets it on the end of the couch.
yeah, how's it feel now, bucko? huh??? how 'bout them apples! force, he's probably just pleased she didn't wrinkle it. stupid neat boyfriend. ]
[he doesn't know why he's surprised by it, other than the fact that he is constantly surprised that people here care about him, that jyn knows he is particular and took the time to fold his shirt because he tends to drive him crazy otherwise. even though she was just complaining about the habit.]
[he is very pleased! any impatience is just overrun by a stupid happy feeling that probably shows on his face, given the way he looks at her is full of love.]
[reaching for her hand, he pulls her closer, drawing her arms around him, but then he cradles her face between his hands.]
but her arms loop easily around his waist, dropping to hook her fingers around his belt loops so she doesn't have to hold her arms up on her own, and she smiles up at him. stupidly happy is appropriate for her as well, but that familiar pink flush spreads across her chest because it's unfair!! that he's looking at her like that!! ]
[it's not the act of folding! it's the meaning behind it! it's how well she knows him, how well he allowed her to know him.]
[SHE'S PINK ALREADY. that's also one of his favorite things about her! she looks so happy in his arms and even though it's been a few months of sharing this kind of intimacy with her, it still hasn't lost that quiet and comfortable unusualness. the surprise of love.]
[maybe one day he'll stop being surprised. it's not like he doesn't believe her, but the physical proof in the words and affections continues to blindside him on occasion. jyn loves him!]
[he kisses her again, smiling against her mouth.] I just like to tell you. And I like... when you tell me too.
[ that's why she says it, honestly, because she knows he likes to hear it. she doesn't need to hear it, she knows -- cassian loves her. that fact is like a lighthouse in a storm, a steady beacon to ground herself in. but he needs to say it and he needs to hear it and it's not difficult anymore, it's not as terrifying to let the words slip out so she doesn't mind. ]
You never told me why. Why you love me.
[ curiosity has always been one of her weaknesses, and while this is something absurdly sef-indulgent to be curious about, she does kind of want to know. so she can keep it up, maybe, so she doesn't forget. ]
[every time she does say it, he takes it to heart. he files it away to repeat when he has doubts. people can and do lie, but he knows jyn would never lie to him, therefore it is unquestionable that she loves him.]
[his smile turns a little softer, not shy but maybe more reserved.]
Because... you are like a part of me I did not know was missing. You remind me that there is still good in the galaxy and maybe still good in me.
I feel like I am still compiling the reasons why, because I discover something new all the time.
[ things to keep doing so cassian will love her: exist, apparently. ]
There is good in you, [ she reminds him, tone quiet but fierce. ] You are a good man.
[ and she will always remind him of that, first usually. it's only after that instant defense that she seems to catalogue the rest of his comments. she likes that they're still learning together, she doesn't feel alone at being ill equipped to act like young adults their age because they have no idea how young adults their age act.
[jyn: walks into the house. cassian: holy shit i love her.]
I know I probably sound like I keep repeating it. But I really am trying to believe it.
[if he wasn't good on some level, why would jyn love him?? there are so many little things he keeps reminding himself, but he's had years of hating himself with very little pushback against the notion that he was not terrible. it is taking a very long time to get used to.]
[he brushes his thumb over her cheek.] You make me... smile. You make me happy, Jyn. You are my family because you chose to be, and that has always been rare.
[they're alike in as many ways as they're different, and cassian has always felt a pull towards her, from the moment they met.]
[ trying is the hardest part for both of them so jyn can't begrudge him for any repetition during the process. reacquainting themselves with the idea of normalcy after a lifetime of war and upheaval was always going to be an uphill climb. they're allowed room for missteps and reassurances.
except: ]
I don't want to make you happy, [ jyn blurts out, pulling a face immediately afterwards. ] I want you to be happy but I don't want to be the reason. [ her nose wrinkles up, feeling like she's explaining this improperly because it is so clear in her head, but it's not coming out the way she would like. ]
I want you to be happy, but I don't think it should be dependent on me, or either of us. It would be too much pressure. I want you to be happy with me, but I want you to be unhappy with me or angry with me. I don't ever want you to feel like it's your job to make me happy. Does that make sense?
[ she hopes it does because it does feel like Too Much otherwise. she knows that isn't what he means, either, that his happiness is solely on her shoulders, but the slight pressure in her chest at the idea that she alone could be responsible for cassian's happiness was enough to blurt out those first words. ]
[there's about two seconds of almost horror on his face when she says she doesn't want to make him happy, like maybe somehow he has gotten every! single! thing! wrong! and all of this is a lie!!!!!!]
[but then she explains it and he relaxes again.]
It makes sense. You are not the only reason I am happy. I am sorry if it came across that way, in what I said. My happiness is not dependent on you. You just... help me recognize it and help me open myself to it. I do not think of it as my job in return.
You are right, it would be too much pressure on either of us. But I am still happy with you, and that is still... part of why I love you. I feel all kinds of things with you.
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[he reaches for her hand and tugs her in towards him, close enough that he can resettle his hands at her hips. he kisses her forehead first.] It's one of my favorite things to do now, you know.
[no time for a response to that! because now he is kissing her, ducking his head down to meet her lips with a smile.]
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she hums into it, happy. she's still ill equipped to handle most emotions, needing to be dragged kicking and screaming into them, but letting cassian love her becomes easier every day, like it is the gravity that holds them in each others orbit, before either of them even realized. the possibility, the almost, had always been lingering there under the surface but circumstances had never allowed for that kind of thing.
at least not in their lives, before.
now, on the other hand: ] What are your other favorite things?
[ but wait, there's more! kissing, more kissing. ]
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[he breaks from the kiss, just enough to let out a laugh, breath fanning over her mouth because he hasn't moved away.]
I like to make you laugh. [he punctuates it with another kiss. he... loves to make jyn laugh, not just because the sound is amazing, but because it makes him feel capable of good things.]
I like to run my hands through your hair. [which he then demonstrates, tangling his fingers behind her head while he ducks in to kiss her again. the little confessions spill out far more easily than they might have a few months ago.]
I could just show you a few others.
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yes, she likes that as well. ]
Yeah, show me. That's good. I'll take notes later...
[ if she is distracted it is because she's being very thoroughly kissed and she honestly can't be blamed for her light, thready voice and flushed cheeks. ]
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[her cheeks are already red and her breath is already short, but he finds he wants to make her flush deepen and draw out little gasps too.]
[he wants to take her shirt off.]
[he's about two seconds from asking, when he remembers his offer to show her, and her very definitive show me. it makes part of him nervous, like he should check in, but her tone and eagerness is it's own reassurance.]
[he likes that too. so his hands both drop to her waist, curling up under the hem, and he starts to tug it up. it's not molasses, but it's slow enough that if she doesn't want him to, she can stop it. that's... probably a good middle ground.]
[she does not stop him, so her shirt comes up and over, and he tosses it idly on one of the nearby chairs.]
[he swallows.] I like doing that.
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I like it, too. I'm surprised you didn't fold it.
[ he!! can be!! irritatingly thorough! and jyn is always restless so she knows that sometimes he does it on purpose because he probably enjoys her impatience. ]
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[his gaze drops over her as it's wont to do, a teasing smile playing at his mouth. he loves her no matter what she's wearing, but he has been staring at her bra straps all day. she didn't care that he just lifted her shirt off, so he feels better now, nerves eaten by need.]
I can if you want me to.
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her voice is a low hum, tempting and promising, ] If you even think about it I will jettison you into space without an enviro-suit, Captain Andor.
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[or maybe he's somewhat of a masochist.]
[he drops his own hands to the bare skin just above her leggings.] Don't worry. The only thing I am still thinking about right now is kissing you.
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[ her chin lifts again but she makes no move to press up to kiss him, waiting for him to kiss her. he can come to her. ]
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[it feels very strange to just... go for what he wants, and part of him is struggling with it. like he shouldn't be allowed. but she still has not objected to anything, so kissing her is easy.]
[it's good and nice and warm, and the press of her against him is a comfort as much as it urges him on.]
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she pulls back a little, mouth moving across stubble to press kisses down his jaw. ]
I like this. When you... make the decisions.
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[his eyes open and he tries to look at her face so he doesn't start to worry again about taking a more direct lead.]
It helps knowing you like it. [it does, that verbal affirmation combined with the way she kisses him. he runs his hand gently up her spine.] I want to make decisions. It is hard to convince myself it's okay sometimes.
But I do like it too.
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It is okay and I want you to.
[ even if he decides to keep checking in with her or if he decides they're going to play cu'bikad in their underwear and not make out at all... fine. she makes a mental note to see if she can find a dejarik board in town or something similar enough.
regardless. whatever cassian wants to do. ]
Come on, Captain. Show me what you want.
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[he kisses her once, softly.]
[and then shivers a little when she calls him captain.]
[he takes her hands and moves them down to his shirt, curling her fingers around the hem. his voice is quiet; it's not a demand, but it's still very direct. there's a please in there too, because he still needs that.] Take it off.
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yeah, how's it feel now, bucko? huh??? how 'bout them apples! force, he's probably just pleased she didn't wrinkle it. stupid neat boyfriend. ]
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[he doesn't know why he's surprised by it, other than the fact that he is constantly surprised that people here care about him, that jyn knows he is particular and took the time to fold his shirt because he tends to drive him crazy otherwise. even though she was just complaining about the habit.]
[he is very pleased! any impatience is just overrun by a stupid happy feeling that probably shows on his face, given the way he looks at her is full of love.]
[reaching for her hand, he pulls her closer, drawing her arms around him, but then he cradles her face between his hands.]
I love you.
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I'm aware, Cassian.
[ all she did was fold his shirt!
but her arms loop easily around his waist, dropping to hook her fingers around his belt loops so she doesn't have to hold her arms up on her own, and she smiles up at him. stupidly happy is appropriate for her as well, but that familiar pink flush spreads across her chest because it's unfair!! that he's looking at her like that!! ]
I love you too.
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[SHE'S PINK ALREADY. that's also one of his favorite things about her! she looks so happy in his arms and even though it's been a few months of sharing this kind of intimacy with her, it still hasn't lost that quiet and comfortable unusualness. the surprise of love.]
[maybe one day he'll stop being surprised. it's not like he doesn't believe her, but the physical proof in the words and affections continues to blindside him on occasion. jyn loves him!]
[he kisses her again, smiling against her mouth.] I just like to tell you. And I like... when you tell me too.
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You never told me why. Why you love me.
[ curiosity has always been one of her weaknesses, and while this is something absurdly sef-indulgent to be curious about, she does kind of want to know. so she can keep it up, maybe, so she doesn't forget. ]
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[his smile turns a little softer, not shy but maybe more reserved.]
Because... you are like a part of me I did not know was missing. You remind me that there is still good in the galaxy and maybe still good in me.
I feel like I am still compiling the reasons why, because I discover something new all the time.
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There is good in you, [ she reminds him, tone quiet but fierce. ] You are a good man.
[ and she will always remind him of that, first usually. it's only after that instant defense that she seems to catalogue the rest of his comments. she likes that they're still learning together, she doesn't feel alone at being ill equipped to act like young adults their age because they have no idea how young adults their age act.
everything is a teachable moment. ]
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I know I probably sound like I keep repeating it. But I really am trying to believe it.
[if he wasn't good on some level, why would jyn love him?? there are so many little things he keeps reminding himself, but he's had years of hating himself with very little pushback against the notion that he was not terrible. it is taking a very long time to get used to.]
[he brushes his thumb over her cheek.] You make me... smile. You make me happy, Jyn. You are my family because you chose to be, and that has always been rare.
[they're alike in as many ways as they're different, and cassian has always felt a pull towards her, from the moment they met.]
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except: ]
I don't want to make you happy, [ jyn blurts out, pulling a face immediately afterwards. ] I want you to be happy but I don't want to be the reason. [ her nose wrinkles up, feeling like she's explaining this improperly because it is so clear in her head, but it's not coming out the way she would like. ]
I want you to be happy, but I don't think it should be dependent on me, or either of us. It would be too much pressure. I want you to be happy with me, but I want you to be unhappy with me or angry with me. I don't ever want you to feel like it's your job to make me happy. Does that make sense?
[ she hopes it does because it does feel like Too Much otherwise. she knows that isn't what he means, either, that his happiness is solely on her shoulders, but the slight pressure in her chest at the idea that she alone could be responsible for cassian's happiness was enough to blurt out those first words. ]
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[but then she explains it and he relaxes again.]
It makes sense. You are not the only reason I am happy. I am sorry if it came across that way, in what I said. My happiness is not dependent on you. You just... help me recognize it and help me open myself to it. I do not think of it as my job in return.
You are right, it would be too much pressure on either of us. But I am still happy with you, and that is still... part of why I love you. I feel all kinds of things with you.
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