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Sometimes I want to run away with you and live in the forest.

[ preferably not the forest that tried to kill them but a nice forest nook or a hobbit hole, she would like a hobbit hole. ]

It's just... a lot, you know? All the time.

[ cassian being her constant makes it easier to handle but sometimes it crashes into her: that they aren't meant for this, they don't deserve this (she doesn't deserve this). peace is hard to live in, especially so considering jyn's main coping mechanism is not coping at all and just shoving her emotions under the rug. ]

[he frowns.]

[maybe it isn't a good weird?? weird can be bad too.]

Should we have waited a little longer? Before - the house.

[he's very glad she is opening up about how she's feeling, but now he's worrying that maybe getting a house was Too Much Too Soon and he jumped the gun. they did talk about it, they agreed to everything about it, but just because they did that step doesn't mean the follow up would go as smoothly.]

I know it's not... normal for us. If you don't like it, we can find - somewhere else.

[he likes this house, but the most important part is jyn. he would live in the forest with her, if that was what they decided.]

No, I love our house. I love being here with you. I just-- [ her mouth works like she is struggling to come up with what she is actually feeling but she can't and eventually she closes her mouth, frowning herself as her shoulders lift in a shrug. ]

It's just weird sometimes, is all. It's, it's so normal.

[ and they're not normal young adults! ]

[she's still talking to him about her feelings and it's literally! all he could ask for! he's much better at dealing with hers than his.]

I feel it's okay to be weird. [weird is better than uncomfortable or outright dislike.] I don't know how to be any more normal than you. I think I am just better at pretending.

Maybe the longer we do this, the more normal it will feel to us. It's not about what we might deserve. Here, it's what we want.

And I want you. That much is normal, even if being a house owner is not for us.

[ how dare he know that she doesn't feel like she deserves normalcy. her nose scrunches up, mouth twisting because now she has to confront the idea that what she deserves is irrelevant.

she tips the bag to frosting up so she can squirt some into her mouth. ]

Okay. We can do this.

[ is that all she needed? she doesn't know. it still feels incredibly weird sometimes and too fast even though it's be an entire year. it's been something like six years since she had a semblance of stability and living with saw was stable in the loosest translation of the word. it's just A Lot.

but if cassian trusts they can handle it, maybe not with poise and aplomb, she will trust him. ]

Do you want some? [ frosting, of course. ]

[only because he too thinks he doesn't deserve this! every day they're in this amazing house! he tries to remind himself that he and jyn are happy, regardless of what he deserves.]

[he laughs with delight when she straight up eats some frosting, feeling better now that she seems more at ease.]

I think we can, even on those days where we think we can't or we think we shouldn't.

[he gives her a slightly suspicious smile.] Only if I won't need to shower after.

[don't squirt it at his face, jyn.]

Open your mouth. [ when he does, she will squirt just a little into him mouth. just a taste, no mess, no choking. ]

I wouldn't waste the frosting just to make a mess. [ the lie comes easily through her smile, looking like the sweet and innocent young woman she could have been had war never consumed their lives, eyes soft.

she fucking would indeed waste the frosting just to make a mess but HOW DARE HE IMPUGN HER HONOR. ]

The only reason you would not right now is because you are not finished with your cupcakes yet.

[but he's risking it once they're done. he knows that despite how soft she looks and how taken in he is with the look on her face, she would fucking do it.]

[he opens his mouth anyway. don't make him regret this trust jyn!!]

[ it's delicious, the mint bright and cold and the buttercream smooth and mild, tempering the sharpness of the mint, and once she's fed him some, she turns back to finish frosting the the cupcakes so she can eat what is left over.

existential crisis averted, she feels fine going back to what they were doing. so cassian is more than welcome to go back to kissing her neck. ]

What did you buy at the grocers?

[it really is good. he savors the taste of the frosting, smiling when she turns around immediately to finish her cupcakes. crisis averted? yes, probably.] Did you make this yourself?

[he hesitates a moment, then slides his arms a little more tightly around her waist. not enough to disrupt her icing, but enough to prove he is now There to Stay.]

Some meats, vegetables. I want to try a new recipe, but it's a surprise.

Your meat is going to spoil, Captain. Don't get so distracted by me that you don't put it away.

[ he can be there to stay in one minute after he puts the food away. she can probably finish the cupcakes in the same amount of time and then he can have all her attention. ]

And yes, I did. And I ruined the first batch. [ and almost cried because she was horrified at wasting the ingredients. you can take the girl out of food insecurity but you can't take food insecurity out of the girl. ]

Maybe I want to be distracted by you.

[the meat will be FINE. probably. not really. but he is very comfortable right now!]

You mean like how I ruined the soup the other day? [soothes her with his own kitchen failures. he gets it, the idea of wasting food in any capacity.] I like this frosting. You should make it again sometime.

[ why is he so good to her? she immediately loses a little tension when he reminds her of that, softening against him. ]

Yeah? I will.

[ she will make it any time he asks since he likes it, mentally adding it to the list of flavors he likes to try again. the cupcakes are not pretty and fancy like taako's so she doesn't think they're as good, but cassian is always such a boost to her ego and she finds, weirdly, that baking calms her down with the precise nature of it. ]

[he can feel some of the tension slip away, and he doesn't know what he did to help that along, but he's glad for it.]

[he supposes she's right though. if he wants to keep kissing her like he wants to, he should probably at least put the perishables away. with a heavy sigh, he dislodges himself from around jyn and steps back towards the grocery bags. he putters at the fridge, storing away the meats and some of the veggies in his carefully organized drawers and compartments.] I like the mint.

I will try to put it into another recipe. I'm sure there is another flavor it will taste good with, maybe those big red berries.

[ there's so many foreign berries here and they give jyn life. literally because food = life but she really loves all the food here, especially the fruit.

she glances over at him like she'll be able to see if he bought her more fruit with the veg. ]

[of course he brought her more fruit! who does she think he is! he piles some of it into the fruit drawer, but the rest is allowed to just stay in bowls on the table. it's a learning process as to what requires chill and what doesn't.]

[fresh food is... weird. another weird thing to add to their home and day of weird.]

[he holds up some aforementioned red berries.] These?

Yes!

[ her expression lights up because those berries are so kriffing good and she can never get enough of them. honestly saying she'll put them into a batter is pushing it because she might just eat them all before she manages to put them in the batter.

oh well! ]

I will never get tired of fresh fruit.

[the real secret: watching her face light up every time he brings up some of her favorite fruits is one of his favorite things, so he will always bring some back. sometimes he feels like such a sap, but he's just... happy. jyn makes him happy.]

Maybe we can find some seeds and try to grow them ourselves.

[since!! they have the space for that now!! fresh fruit is great.]

Maybe. I'll try to find a book on growing fruit.

[ herbs were easy for her, even the ones she didn't recognize, but fruit (and veg and flowers) would be a challenge. hacking away at that overgrown garden is stress relief for her though. ]

Can I have one now?

[listen cassian made SURE whatever house they picked out had enough property for jyn to keep growing whatever plants she wanted, regardless of whether they continued to just be herbs or not.]

[he takes one of the berries and walks over to her, holding it up in front of her mouth.]

Your turn. Open up.

Should I be worried you'll get juice all over me?

[ for a moment jyn smirks, but then her lips part impatiently. give her the berry, cassian! ]

[he shrugs.]

Depends on how hard you bite down.

[he pops it in her mouth, thumb lingering briefly against her lip before he pulls his hand away.]

[ the juice only spills across her tongue as she bites down, selfishly hoarding the sweet flavor for herself, mouth twisting into a pleased little smile as she hums a sigh. how kriffing decadent to be fed a delicious berry by her boyfriend. she is like a princess of old, lounging in a nest of pillows and being fanned by her adoring lovers. ]

I could eat nothing but berries for the rest of my life and be happy.

[well. he immediately grabs another one. how is he supposed to do otherwise when she looks so pleased and happy just because of a single berry??]

[time to shove them all down her throat but not really. cassian just holds it up in front of her mouth again.]

You need to include some kind of protein in that diet too, unfortunately.

That's not true. The Lokori are a vegan species.

[ they are also an insectoid species that looked like green bowtruckles and had completely different physiologies than humans but THAT ISN'T THE POINT. ]

And the Ithorians are vegetarian.

[ she opens her mouth for the second berry. ]

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