realists | open ✧ the time to fight is now

[ Instead of telling her that he knows, Cassian rubs his thumb along the top of hers. Yet he does know, understands much too well the survivor's guilt that has woken him up with the names of the dead trapped in his throat in the middle of the night. He'd be more restless if it weren't for things like the chair, the difficulty walking still that they tell him should take only a little while longer to sort itself out.

There's a blanket on his lap and the hand not occupied with hers rubs the texture of the fabric before he does stand, allowing her to help, and spreads the blanket on the sand before settling down on it and giving her hand a little tug. ]

It'll take them a while to figure out what they think we can safely manage.

[ He also knows that part of her doesn't care. ]

[ it takes a great force of will for jyn not to stubbornly shout that they can handle anything. they can't and she wants nothing more than to ignore cassian's injuries and she doesn't want him to remind her to prove a point. the fact that she has to support him at all proves that point perfectly well and makes her heart ache every time she sees him flinch or try to cover a wince.

folding down next to him comes with the same ease and reflex as taking his hand. her words may be frustrated and defiant, but she melts like snow at nearly every physical cue. she can't fight physics. ]

They won't finish that equation.

Not until the plans have been used.

[ Even if he gets better before then, that's the simple truth of the matter.

He gives her hand a squeeze before settling it in his lap, taking in the lines of dissatisfaction in her face before he reaches forward and traces one; the arch of her brow, across the space between and above the other.

It's a method of distraction, for both of them. ]

After that there is still work to be done, and they can't shelve us forever.

[ They'll find her a liability, a danger, unrestrained and reckless, but he's fairly certain their behavior and his recovery are considered one and the same - worth observing - and he doubts he'll have to do much arguing to assure her place at his side.

He's asked for very little, nearly nothing of his superiors. He will demand this, if necessary. ]

Edited (lord the wrong word) 2016-12-18 06:29 (UTC)

[ her expression barely softens, eyes unfocused as if trying to work out the equation for herself, sorting factors and variables, solving for x where x is the key to getting them both back into the fight she outright demanded. she is far more of her father's daughter than she would have imagined, lost in her own thoughts in the middle of a conversation.

like a key sliding into place her green eyes flicker up, focus on cassian, clear and soft as her forehead scrunches up under his fingertips. the ghost of a smile touches her lips, looking out of place on her usually somber expression. ]

I know what you're doing.

I'm touching your forehead, [ Says the smartass invalid, ] and holding your hand, and talking to you.

[ His eyes go a little wide, a little soft, fingers flexing between hers. ]

Unless you mean something else. In which case I have no idea what you're talking about.

[ He traces along her temple, down her cheek, towards her chin. ]

For a spy, you're a terrible liar, [ jyn points out, as if offering a serious answer. her own fingers curl against his, a little fist she nudges against his leg. a punch lacking all the necessary force behind it. ] No wonder they saddled you with me.

[ l o l ]

Perhaps it's the company I'm keeping. [ Perhaps, he thinks, he'd rather make it his new life's work to never have to lie to her, and wouldn't that be something? He swallows and his fingers drift down the side of her neck before his hand settles there, feeling her pulse below his fingertips, thriving in that.

They're alive, whether or not they deserve it, and some greedy part of him that's wholly concerned with her is thankful. He can take that, he thinks, and run with it. ]

It won't be forever, but I can't push to get back out there if I can't even run.

You could run if you were chased. [ chasing the warmth of him, her head ducks to press her cheek to his forearm, eyes closing in a childish attempt to block out the truth if she can't see it. limitations aside, not one part of her doesn't believe he couldn't fly if she were in danger.

the hand in her lap lifts to tangle in her everpresent necklace, a constant reminder that she's always been running. ]

I hate being forced to settle. [ her frown returns, not bothering to clarify that settling with him isn't a problem, that much is obvious. ] My whole life has been spent running, even when I was too young to realize. I hated it, but I hate being forced to stop more.

[ she could have chosen this, but she was never given that choice. ]

I could run if chased, [ He agrees, tilting his head so that his cheek rests near the crown of her skull, briefly taking in the scent of her hair before he straightens up again, gives her the room to move as she wants. Not before his lips brush the top of her hair, ever so gently. ]

It's only temporary. [ Soft, because he knows she knows this, but also doesn't know what alternative to offer her. Unless... ]

What if they sent you on your own?

[ It would go a long way to smooth ruffled bureaucratic feathers while giving her a chance to 'prove' her loyalty, as ridiculous an idea as that was.

It would drive him insane with worry, but. It would also be temporary.

He won't let himself chase that thought to it's conclusion, the percentages and the risks. ]

They wouldn't. [ she doesn't waste a moment with idle wonder, not in part because she has already thought of the scenario and she can clearly imagine k-2 reminding her in his painstaking detail that the odds on surviving the empire are not in her favor.

she's been a soldier since she was eight and saw rescued her from hiding, but as much as she hates to admit it -- and won't, not out loud, not to cassian -- putting her back into the field would be dangerous and she isn't entirely sure she can personally handle it, her bravado had become nothing more than a disguise for abject fear. nothing in her life had ever compared to the utter destruction of scarif, the memory enough to make her abruptly jerk away from cassian and rock right to her feet, pacing away a few steps and folding her arms across her chest. ]

When the Empire realizes that we survived, they'll want to make examples of us. [ the sizzle of blasters in the rain echoes in her ears, memory of krennic murdering her father's associates to make a point. she licks her lips. ] I don't particularly relish dying alone if it's all the same.

[ Cassian blinks at the sudden movement, the lack of presence, but makes no sound of objection or move to get her to come back; he breathes through it instead, puts the complicated mess of reactions in their place, away from him in the present, puts his hands back in his lap and watches her. ]

Yes. [ The Empire, he imagines, has wanted to make examples of them both for some time; now the stakes are higher, as they've survived the planet killer twice.

He knows there can be fates worse than death, in that regard, but again. Compartmentalized. ] I don't need to tell you it's not all the same.

[ Yet he says it anyway. ]

What would help? Yes, we are here, under glass and protection as much as anything, and it's maddening, but I don't know what else to do.

Neither do I. [ which is perhaps the most frustrating of all for her. to have all these options at her disposal and to have all of them not quite what she wants. a sigh forces it's way past her lips, a hand is dragged through her loose hair, her pacing drawing her in a quick circle before she kneels on the blanket in front of him, hands clasped in her lap.

the slight twitch of her lips is more of a helpless smile parading as a smirk, but she tries. ]

You're still Captain, aren't you? You decide. Give me an order.

[ Cassian's eyebrows go up because how can he not tease her, just a little, telling him something like that. His own smirk is about on as solid ground as hers but it's there.

Still, he holds her gaze for a moment, considering. ]

We become an intel relay. Here, right here, as long as we're stuck here. This far out, wouldn't even catch the attention of the Empire; besides, they're usually dead drops anyway.

It'll give us something to do, something to focus on.

[ A hand reaches out to smooth some of her hair away from her face. ]

[ it's perfect -- safe, yet useful and it would keep them informed. boring, but boring is probably what's best for them. and jyn would never in a million years have thought of it herself. there was little in the way of intelligence gathering in her guerilla training, at least not hers specifically. ]

You've been planning this already, haven't you?

I want to know when I have to start worrying about my face on holoreports from the Empire. I want to know if they ever find out who you are.

Besides, it's not like we can spar, I've already been told I have to be able to run a lap around the building without getting winded first.

[ This is not just his job; this has been his life for nearly as long as he can remember. Boring, yes, but it'll keep their minds occupied, and that's important. ]

[ not doing anything had weighed on her heavily, the idea that she isn't doing anything for her friends (as if they would be angry with her for living). having a task, no matter how small and possibly inconsequential in the long run, immediately did wonders for her emotional well-being.

enough so to cause her to lean forward and bridge the space between them finally to press a brief, chaste kiss against his lips. ]

I would win even if you weren't hurt, [ she offers casually as she draws back enough to focus on his face, subtle brightening of her eyes the mark that she's teasing. mostly. 51% teasing. ]

There's a good chance of that, [ He says easily but his pupils are a little wider, breath coming a little quicker. It was a nice kiss, unexpected, and he presses his lips together with a smile. ]

But we'll have to wait to find out. Do you want to go inside and eat?

[ those dimples ]

I think... [ she trails off thoughtfully, head tipping to the side. having an objective cleared her mind in a way that is allowing her to actually think without being bogged down by negatives and what ifs. she is far from okay, but it is a step in the right direction. ] I think you should try your exercises in the water.

[ the natural buoyancy and resistance would probably be good for him. that decided (yes, decided), she nods, pushing herself back to her feet and holding out her hands to heave him up with her. ] But I would like to go in, yeah.

[ He takes them, a small, sharp intake of breath when something pulls but that's all; after a moment he's standing and nodding, squeezing her hands before leaning in for his own kiss. Just as fast, just as chaste.

Some things are better to wait for, and patience is a virtue, or so he's been told. ]

I will do that. Try not to eat all the grapes.

[ the rarest thing in the world, when he mentions the grapes her naturally downturned mouth spreads into a wide smile, lighting up her entire expression like a whole new girl. ] Too late! [ the corner of her mouth pulls down in an unmistakable expression of faux apology, before the smile flutters back.

maybe it was the grapes that prompted that smile, they are delicious, but it's probably not. ]

You shouldn't have slept so late and I wouldn't have eaten them all, [ she protests as she helps him back to the chair. this is a lie. were he awake she would have just taken them right off his plate. ]

[ Cassian makes a sound somewhere between a chuckle and a snort, opting to leave the blanket where it is for now. The smile lights up her face like nothing else, and he thinks she can take every grape on the planet if it means she can smile more. ]

Thief. [ No venom to be found. ] I suppose I'll have to suffer through more cantaloup.

I don't know why you're complaining, I cut it into the shape of grapes. [ that's totally the same thing. she is a terrible person. in her defense... she would eat the cantaloupe too. lah'mu was lush and rainy, but they grew vegetables instead of fruit. being on the run for half her life made fruit a luxury she didn't often have the chance to indulge in so she is taking advantage of it now. at the expense of cassian.

whoops. ]

What do you miss from home?

[ Cassian snorts, shaking his head, but then her question catches him sideways and he has to frown at her a little. ]

From home? [ Home was a U-Wing with K-2; to that point, he shook his head a little. ]

Nothing? [ maybe it's the privilege of have two more years with her parents than he had, but she can't believe he misses nothing. it's not like he's from hoth. there is nothing to miss there. her eyebrows knit together for a moment in consternation. maybe she shouldn't press but jyn isn't often in the habit of doing what she should do. ] Nothing at all? Not the sun or a toy or a little friend?

[ He swallows and his expression shutters a little. He'd like nothing more than to withdraw from this conversation completely, now, but he imagines how he'd feel if she did the same and purses his lips, looking towards the horizon. ]

I was born on Fest. Nothing but snow and metal and people and Ewoks as far as the eye could see. It was always cold, the air was often toxic, because they were developing phrik there.

My parents died during the civil war, [ and now his eyes turn back to her ] so. Not really.

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