[ jyn makes a face because they both know damn well she wouldn't offer if she wasn't sure. she gulps down her water, setting it on the coffee table before scooting to sit behind him.
he's making it weird!
it is weird, because he kissed her and she kissed him in return, but she isn't going to be the one to say something about it. he kissed her, it's his job to tell her why. ]
[he doesn't know how to navigate this! he doesn't want it to be weird! but what if he says or does something wrong! he just comes to the conclusion that it's going to be weird for a little while, but whether it's good or bad is probably up to him.]
Okay. [he spins the glass of water in his hands while she settles behind him and he finds himself hyperaware of every single movement she makes.]
[he really needs to figure out what to say. how to say it.]
[ jyn doesn't seem to mind the quiet, but then again she purposefully gave herself something to do so she could keep her mind occupied not overthinking what happened in the elevator. she's still thinking, but not overthinking.
the way her fingers press into his back, cold from holding the water, is as familiar as always, no hesitation as her palms press flat and her fingers splay out toward his hips. it always starts the same, like she's centering herself against his injuries and reminding herself that he is, in fact, still in front of her and not crumpled in a broken heap at the bottom of the data vault. reminding herself to be gentle, that her hands can heal, not just hurt. ]
[it's familiar and welcome and he really does appreciate when she does this, the pressure better than aspirin. his hands tighten around the glass, because even though it's very normal, he just keeps thinking about the way her hands clung to him while he kissed her.]
[maybe it was not a good idea, at least for his mental gymnastics. it might keep jym from overthinking, but it sends cassian's brain into overdrive. he needs to bring it up. he needs to ask if it was okay. he wants to hold her hand again.]
It's perfect. [the more she does it, the better it gets, like she's learning exactly how to help him best. he shudders from it anyway, from a pseudo-culmination of everything, and she's barely started.]
[ he shivers and jyn instinctively complains: ] My hands aren't that cold.
[ clearly he is being a baby, but even that is better than him being in pain so she'll take it as she starts carefully moving her hands, applying steady pressure to work out the knots and stiffness without pressing too hard in any one spot just yet. she has to find and catalog the sore spots before she works them out, it's all very methodical. ]
[he seizes the opening before he can talk himself out of it.] That's not it.
[he's very used to her cold hands by now. it's - everything else. he trusts her and he loves her and her hands are safe. she's looking for the worst of the aches in his back, and he knows she's going to find them.]
[cassian feels exposed in virtually every single way.] They are always cold. I'm used to it. [a beat.] I like being used to it.
[ she wants to say she likes making him feel good but that seems like... it seems like a lot right now, too much. it's the same for her -- she likes the familiarity, she likes how well she knows him, how well she knows his injuries and how his body works and how he's ticklish in this one spot on his side and if she runs her fingers across it so slowly he'll attempt to squirm away from her.
she can't help it, she does exactly that, stifling a snicker almost immediately. of course she does not apologize. ]
I like it, too. [ maybe in a little bit of a power hungry way too because she likes knowing she is the one to help cassian relax and feel good. it's enough to make anyone feel powerful, honestly, to have cassian at ease under their touch. ]
[he squirms immediately when she touches The Spot. it's another thing he should really be more cautious about, but he finds he just wants jyn to know every part of him. he keeps letting her discover more. it's terrible spy logic, but he doesn't need to keep that logic on around her. not anymore.]
[he shut out that kind of care for years, and now that he allowed it back in, he doesn't want it to stop. but he wants to drown jyn in that same kind of knowing too. he's learned so much about her already, but he wants to know everything - because of how he feels, not because of a mission. he wants to know what makes her happy, and he wants to make her happy. he wants to be happy with her.]
I also like - [he swallows.] I liked kissing you too.
[ oh, he's just going there. they're going to talk about it like emotionally sound adults. well, he might. for a few moments jyn is just going to focus on his back again, carefully continuing the massage she had interrupted in the first place.
he liked kissing her. it was nice, it was good, she liked it as well, but maybe it was just-- no, she shuts down the thoughts before they come back, willing her focus back to his sore muscles. she's gotten good at shoving down her feelings over the years so it doesn't take much effort but she can feel the traitorous flicker of hope in her heart, keeping vigil. ]
I liked it, too.
[ that much seemed obvious, at least. she's being repetitive but she doesn't know how to navigate this sort of thing. ]
[she doesn't answer him right away, and even though she's trying to help him get less tense, his shoulders stiffen in worry that he said something wrong. all his logic continues to get thrown out the window when it comes to jyn.]
[but she says she liked it too and he relaxes, even if it... doesn't help him figure out what he wants to say next. there are a lot of reasons she could have liked it! he knows why he did it, but he can't shake the concern that maybe, despite literally everything, his feelings would be unwelcome.]
[her hands keep moving over his back, lulling him slowly away from tension even if his nerves are still on fire.]
[ no, she shouldn't have said that. she should have agreed to more kissing sometime because she does want but she wants to know why more. why her, why now, why doesn't he want to kiss someone who isn't largely a human disaster.
[ no, nope, no, she was comfortable back here not having to look at him, it was making talking so much easier, even if she was barely contributing to the conversation. she might contribute nothing if she has to look at him.
still, he tugs on her arm and she shifts out from behind him, sitting next to him instead, one leg stretched out behind him still, the other tucked against the edge of the couch, toes brushing the floor. ]
I wasn't finished. [ with his back, so he only has a second. that seems to be her compromise, mouth slanted in an apprehensive frown. ]
[oh. maybe it was easier with the steady press of her behind him, her hands an idle distraction, because even though he can see her face now, she just looks unhappy and uncomfortable. it makes him hesitate.]
You can go back to it in a moment. [he says it weakly. he knows jyn hates talking about anything related to feelings, but because he's cassian he just assumes the worst.]
[as for the why.] If you don't want to, that's okay. I just thought - we liked it. And I like you.
[ she knows he likes her; they live together, he's her friend, they're teammates and partners and he's her home. but that's different from i like you. and he likes her.
force, she feels seventeen again, confused and bewildered that someone would be absolutely idiotic enough to like her. and when she was seventeen, she was less of a disaster. fresh from grief, sure, but not the kind of grief cassian has dealt with her through. ]
You've got truly horrifying taste. [ she feels she should make that known. ]
[he offers her a tiny little smile. if anyone has bad taste, it's definitely not him.] No I don't.
[he reaches out, carefully winding his fingers through hers. it's loose enough that she could pull back, but when she doesn't, cassian feels emboldened.] I don't want to kiss you because it's Sampremi, or because it's convenient. I have accepted the quarantine as my new home, but only because you are here too.
[ it's 100% him. terrible, awful taste. she debates asking if he hit his head when he hurt his back, but she can already see the expression he'd give her in answer so she doesn't feel the need to say anything on that vein. ]
And 'cause we haven't got another choice.
[ she will point that out, however. unlike leia and jim and taako, they can't go home, they don't have a home to go back to. this is it for them. but they're together and that is how jyn always accepted it as well. ]
I never said I didn't want-- [ wow it was so easy to talk frankly to taako about sex but now it feels impossible. ] To kiss you.
[he shakes his head.] Even if we could go... anywhere else. I would not want to go without you.
[home was the rebellion, home was jyn, home was them together. it's in riverview now, but it's not dependent on the place.]
[something flutters in his chest when she says she wants to kiss him too, warm and hopeful and he squeezes her hand. it's a relief to have the vocal confirmation that in that much at least he's not alone.] You could have told me that from the beginning and spared yourself a face to face conversation.
Oh shut it. [ her free hand presses to his face to shove him away, glancing away herself because he's not allowed to see her little smile, even if she does huff out a mild laugh. ]
You know I don't do anything I don't want to do.
[ she didn't hit him or shove him off her -- and physically, especially right then, she could wreck him -- so she'd assumed that he knew she was on board with the kissing. ]
[ she might answer later, but she pulls her hand from his and moves back to her original position so maybe she won't! talk time is over, she gave him his face to face conversation, she is going back to his massage. ]
You don't overstep. I would tell you.
[ loud and clear. it's always been easy with cassian though. they made a good team, naturally, even when they didn't like each other. except for their grief and guilt riddled fight, they both knew when to back down, and when not to. ]
[he almost reaches for her hand again, but then she moves behind him, and that's good enough he supposes. he's always known she would tell him, simply because she's jyn and that's how she is, but it's still nice to hear it. no lines crossed. good.]
[it settles him in a way, because he was afraid of what kissing her might do, but right now he just gets the sense that nothing is going to change them. maybe he'll get to kiss her again, kiss her more, but they're still a team and he can't bear to lose that.]
[he smiles anyway.] You are a giant distraction yourself.
[ literally his body and physically well being is in his hands and he's still teasing her. if that isn't trust, nothing is. she presses her fingers into his sides as if telling him to shut up without being rude enough to tell him to shut up. ]
That's not on me. That's on your self-control.
[ so there. restarting his massage, relaxation and soothed muscles are on their way. ]
[which is a fact he is all too aware of. something about her since day one seems to have taken direct aim at his self control, and he used to hate it, but now it's just a very bizarre feeling, knowing he trusts someone that much.]
[as if proving his point, to the ire of draven wherever he is, cassian's eyes slip shut when she starts moving her hands again.]
Still blaming me for your ineptitude. [ shaking her head, she breaths out another laugh, but she leans forward to murmur in his ear, ] I'm not even trying.
[ have fun when she does. is this??? flirting??? ]
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he's making it weird!
it is weird, because he kissed her and she kissed him in return, but she isn't going to be the one to say something about it. he kissed her, it's his job to tell her why. ]
I'm sure.
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Okay. [he spins the glass of water in his hands while she settles behind him and he finds himself hyperaware of every single movement she makes.]
[he really needs to figure out what to say. how to say it.]
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the way her fingers press into his back, cold from holding the water, is as familiar as always, no hesitation as her palms press flat and her fingers splay out toward his hips. it always starts the same, like she's centering herself against his injuries and reminding herself that he is, in fact, still in front of her and not crumpled in a broken heap at the bottom of the data vault. reminding herself to be gentle, that her hands can heal, not just hurt. ]
Tell me if it's too much.
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[maybe it was not a good idea, at least for his mental gymnastics. it might keep jym from overthinking, but it sends cassian's brain into overdrive. he needs to bring it up. he needs to ask if it was okay. he wants to hold her hand again.]
It's perfect. [the more she does it, the better it gets, like she's learning exactly how to help him best. he shudders from it anyway, from a pseudo-culmination of everything, and she's barely started.]
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[ clearly he is being a baby, but even that is better than him being in pain so she'll take it as she starts carefully moving her hands, applying steady pressure to work out the knots and stiffness without pressing too hard in any one spot just yet. she has to find and catalog the sore spots before she works them out, it's all very methodical. ]
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[he's very used to her cold hands by now. it's - everything else. he trusts her and he loves her and her hands are safe. she's looking for the worst of the aches in his back, and he knows she's going to find them.]
[cassian feels exposed in virtually every single way.] They are always cold. I'm used to it. [a beat.] I like being used to it.
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she can't help it, she does exactly that, stifling a snicker almost immediately. of course she does not apologize. ]
I like it, too. [ maybe in a little bit of a power hungry way too because she likes knowing she is the one to help cassian relax and feel good. it's enough to make anyone feel powerful, honestly, to have cassian at ease under their touch. ]
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[he shut out that kind of care for years, and now that he allowed it back in, he doesn't want it to stop. but he wants to drown jyn in that same kind of knowing too. he's learned so much about her already, but he wants to know everything - because of how he feels, not because of a mission. he wants to know what makes her happy, and he wants to make her happy. he wants to be happy with her.]
I also like - [he swallows.] I liked kissing you too.
[just THROWS IT OUT THERE.]
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he liked kissing her. it was nice, it was good, she liked it as well, but maybe it was just-- no, she shuts down the thoughts before they come back, willing her focus back to his sore muscles. she's gotten good at shoving down her feelings over the years so it doesn't take much effort but she can feel the traitorous flicker of hope in her heart, keeping vigil. ]
I liked it, too.
[ that much seemed obvious, at least. she's being repetitive but she doesn't know how to navigate this sort of thing. ]
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[but she says she liked it too and he relaxes, even if it... doesn't help him figure out what he wants to say next. there are a lot of reasons she could have liked it! he knows why he did it, but he can't shake the concern that maybe, despite literally everything, his feelings would be unwelcome.]
[her hands keep moving over his back, lulling him slowly away from tension even if his nerves are still on fire.]
We can do it again sometime. If you want.
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[ no, she shouldn't have said that. she should have agreed to more kissing sometime because she does want but she wants to know why more. why her, why now, why doesn't he want to kiss someone who isn't largely a human disaster.
like jim, she was pretty sure he liked jim. ]
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Because I want to. [he reaches behind him, fingers wriggling till they find her arm.] Will you come here, for a second?
[he doesn't want to tell her when he can't even see her face.]
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still, he tugs on her arm and she shifts out from behind him, sitting next to him instead, one leg stretched out behind him still, the other tucked against the edge of the couch, toes brushing the floor. ]
I wasn't finished. [ with his back, so he only has a second. that seems to be her compromise, mouth slanted in an apprehensive frown. ]
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You can go back to it in a moment. [he says it weakly. he knows jyn hates talking about anything related to feelings, but because he's cassian he just assumes the worst.]
[as for the why.] If you don't want to, that's okay. I just thought - we liked it. And I like you.
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force, she feels seventeen again, confused and bewildered that someone would be absolutely idiotic enough to like her. and when she was seventeen, she was less of a disaster. fresh from grief, sure, but not the kind of grief cassian has dealt with her through. ]
You've got truly horrifying taste. [ she feels she should make that known. ]
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[he offers her a tiny little smile. if anyone has bad taste, it's definitely not him.] No I don't.
[he reaches out, carefully winding his fingers through hers. it's loose enough that she could pull back, but when she doesn't, cassian feels emboldened.] I don't want to kiss you because it's Sampremi, or because it's convenient. I have accepted the quarantine as my new home, but only because you are here too.
[welcome home.]
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And 'cause we haven't got another choice.
[ she will point that out, however. unlike leia and jim and taako, they can't go home, they don't have a home to go back to. this is it for them. but they're together and that is how jyn always accepted it as well. ]
I never said I didn't want-- [ wow it was so easy to talk frankly to taako about sex but now it feels impossible. ] To kiss you.
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[home was the rebellion, home was jyn, home was them together. it's in riverview now, but it's not dependent on the place.]
[something flutters in his chest when she says she wants to kiss him too, warm and hopeful and he squeezes her hand. it's a relief to have the vocal confirmation that in that much at least he's not alone.] You could have told me that from the beginning and spared yourself a face to face conversation.
[maybe?? teasing?? will make this easier???]
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You know I don't do anything I don't want to do.
[ she didn't hit him or shove him off her -- and physically, especially right then, she could wreck him -- so she'd assumed that he knew she was on board with the kissing. ]
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I know. But you know me. I was worried anyway. I never want to overstep anything with you.
[chronic worrier and overthinker, cassian jeron andor.]
Is it my turn to ask why now?
[he says it lightly, giving her the option to completely ignore it and take it as more teasing.]
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You don't overstep. I would tell you.
[ loud and clear. it's always been easy with cassian though. they made a good team, naturally, even when they didn't like each other. except for their grief and guilt riddled fight, they both knew when to back down, and when not to. ]
Stop distracting me.
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[it settles him in a way, because he was afraid of what kissing her might do, but right now he just gets the sense that nothing is going to change them. maybe he'll get to kiss her again, kiss her more, but they're still a team and he can't bear to lose that.]
[he smiles anyway.] You are a giant distraction yourself.
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That's not on me. That's on your self-control.
[ so there. restarting his massage, relaxation and soothed muscles are on their way. ]
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[which is a fact he is all too aware of. something about her since day one seems to have taken direct aim at his self control, and he used to hate it, but now it's just a very bizarre feeling, knowing he trusts someone that much.]
[as if proving his point, to the ire of draven wherever he is, cassian's eyes slip shut when she starts moving her hands again.]
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Still blaming me for your ineptitude. [ shaking her head, she breaths out another laugh, but she leans forward to murmur in his ear, ] I'm not even trying.
[ have fun when she does. is this??? flirting??? ]
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