[he hates his bad back for a lot of reasons, but most of all now for the way jyn's touch makes him flinch and the moment really shatters. she gently manhandles him away from her, and he can't do much to fight it, hands disentangling from her hair and one arm dropping back around her shoulder. he feels closer to her than they were before the elevator, but it's still too far compared to several seconds ago.]
[he wants to say something, but for once cassian finds himself at a complete loss for words.]
Okay. [he starts to move, knowing she'll come with. maybe once they're tucked away inside he'll get his words back, instead of just thinking about how it felt to kiss her.]
[ onward they walk, jyn equally at a loss for words.
the last time she had kissed anyone he had told her that he liked her and had liked her for probably the entire year she was there and it was really great that she just completely didn't notice, but cassian didn't preface it with that.
so maybe it isn't that.
maybe it was just the festival getting the best of him, maybe he drank too much, maybe he was hallucinating because of the pain, maybe after six months of being here he just wanted to kiss someone and jyn was nearby. she doesn't want to think it's any of that but what if it is? he's never shown any indication of liking her before now and she thinks she would notice, she lived with him after all.
but maybe... she doesn't know. she decides rather quickly to stop thinking about it, focusing on leading them to the door and unlocking it so she can let them inside and cassian can sit down. that's the important part. ]
[it's a strange silence down the hall. he's very used to the quiet with jyn, but it's usually an easy one, a peaceful mood. the kiss hangs over his head instead and now the silence makes him nervous.]
[she'd kissed him back, very eagerly, but he hadn't actually told her why. he wants to think she would know, but considering how long it took him to realize what his feelings were doing in the first place, he can't be sure. they are in the middle of a festival. one based on expressing physical affection. sampremi honestly hadn't occurred to him when he kissed her, but now with the after effects of the rave aching up his body, he worries about his silence. he just... still doesn't know what to say, because there's too much to say and he doesn't know where to begin.]
[jyn gets the door open and at least being inside is welcome. they make their way over to the couch, and jyn helps him settle down on it. he sighs with relief when he finally sinks into the cushions, spine and hips thanking him.]
[he looks up at her and reaches for her hand, squeezing her fingers, like he's suddenly afraid she's going to bolt.]
[ he takes her hand and she stops, half turned toward the kitchen, smiling down at him reflexively. ]
I'm going to get some water, do you want anything else?
[ maybe if she acts like nothing has changed, nothing will have changed. he's her best friend! she can't lose the ease they have, it made the second chance livable. if she'd been alone... she can't lose their friendship and comfortable life, she refuses. ]
[she smiles at him, and it's instinct to smile back at the sight of it. maybe they're okay? maybe she's okay?]
[she's acting very normal, which would otherwise be a good a sign, but he kissed her. that changes the normal. maybe she does not want that normal changed and he made a mistake. now that they're out of the elevator, it's time to overthink it all!]
Aspirin. Please. [and for her to come back and sit with him, but one step at a time.]
[ she makes a face like duh and moves toward the kitchen, letting her hand slip out of his. it falls back to her side weakly and she feels oddly sad about it but that's ridiculous. fetching the aspirin from the bathroom, she fills two glasses with cold water as the cat circles her ankles. when she returns to the couch, she perches on the edge of it and settles the water on the coffee table so she can hold out the aspirin, dropping it into his hand. ]
Does it feel any worse?
[ he'd flinched! maybe it was more painful now than when they'd gotten on the elevator. ]
[he can literally see her moving around, but he still feels almost bereft in not touching her in some capacity. even when she sits down with him on the couch, she feels too far away, and the way she teeters at the edge instead of getting comfortable weirdly makes him nervous.]
[cassian shakes his head while he takes it from her. it's the first, albeit indirect, mention of What Happened, that has to be good?] No, it's the same. You didn't -
[he pops the pills and downs a few gulps of the water instead of finishing that sentence. not just because he's still at a loss for what to say to her.] It's already better to be off my feet though.
[ experience dictates up and not over this time, but who knows, maybe he will be stubborn. in any case she gestures up, so he better scoot so she can fit behind him. she doesn't know if she's acting like nothing happened and therefore nothing has changed or if nothing has changed. ]
[he doesn't move at first, surprised because he does know what that means. she's acting like nothing happened because she offered him another massage earlier but he kind of feels like he might combust if she does it.]
[he budges up anyway, refusing to be the first person to make it weird by, like, being awkward or bringing it up or acting like any of this is unusual.]
Are you sure? [ok well maybe not. he can't help asking.]
[ jyn makes a face because they both know damn well she wouldn't offer if she wasn't sure. she gulps down her water, setting it on the coffee table before scooting to sit behind him.
he's making it weird!
it is weird, because he kissed her and she kissed him in return, but she isn't going to be the one to say something about it. he kissed her, it's his job to tell her why. ]
[he doesn't know how to navigate this! he doesn't want it to be weird! but what if he says or does something wrong! he just comes to the conclusion that it's going to be weird for a little while, but whether it's good or bad is probably up to him.]
Okay. [he spins the glass of water in his hands while she settles behind him and he finds himself hyperaware of every single movement she makes.]
[he really needs to figure out what to say. how to say it.]
[ jyn doesn't seem to mind the quiet, but then again she purposefully gave herself something to do so she could keep her mind occupied not overthinking what happened in the elevator. she's still thinking, but not overthinking.
the way her fingers press into his back, cold from holding the water, is as familiar as always, no hesitation as her palms press flat and her fingers splay out toward his hips. it always starts the same, like she's centering herself against his injuries and reminding herself that he is, in fact, still in front of her and not crumpled in a broken heap at the bottom of the data vault. reminding herself to be gentle, that her hands can heal, not just hurt. ]
[it's familiar and welcome and he really does appreciate when she does this, the pressure better than aspirin. his hands tighten around the glass, because even though it's very normal, he just keeps thinking about the way her hands clung to him while he kissed her.]
[maybe it was not a good idea, at least for his mental gymnastics. it might keep jym from overthinking, but it sends cassian's brain into overdrive. he needs to bring it up. he needs to ask if it was okay. he wants to hold her hand again.]
It's perfect. [the more she does it, the better it gets, like she's learning exactly how to help him best. he shudders from it anyway, from a pseudo-culmination of everything, and she's barely started.]
[ he shivers and jyn instinctively complains: ] My hands aren't that cold.
[ clearly he is being a baby, but even that is better than him being in pain so she'll take it as she starts carefully moving her hands, applying steady pressure to work out the knots and stiffness without pressing too hard in any one spot just yet. she has to find and catalog the sore spots before she works them out, it's all very methodical. ]
[he seizes the opening before he can talk himself out of it.] That's not it.
[he's very used to her cold hands by now. it's - everything else. he trusts her and he loves her and her hands are safe. she's looking for the worst of the aches in his back, and he knows she's going to find them.]
[cassian feels exposed in virtually every single way.] They are always cold. I'm used to it. [a beat.] I like being used to it.
[ she wants to say she likes making him feel good but that seems like... it seems like a lot right now, too much. it's the same for her -- she likes the familiarity, she likes how well she knows him, how well she knows his injuries and how his body works and how he's ticklish in this one spot on his side and if she runs her fingers across it so slowly he'll attempt to squirm away from her.
she can't help it, she does exactly that, stifling a snicker almost immediately. of course she does not apologize. ]
I like it, too. [ maybe in a little bit of a power hungry way too because she likes knowing she is the one to help cassian relax and feel good. it's enough to make anyone feel powerful, honestly, to have cassian at ease under their touch. ]
[he squirms immediately when she touches The Spot. it's another thing he should really be more cautious about, but he finds he just wants jyn to know every part of him. he keeps letting her discover more. it's terrible spy logic, but he doesn't need to keep that logic on around her. not anymore.]
[he shut out that kind of care for years, and now that he allowed it back in, he doesn't want it to stop. but he wants to drown jyn in that same kind of knowing too. he's learned so much about her already, but he wants to know everything - because of how he feels, not because of a mission. he wants to know what makes her happy, and he wants to make her happy. he wants to be happy with her.]
I also like - [he swallows.] I liked kissing you too.
[ oh, he's just going there. they're going to talk about it like emotionally sound adults. well, he might. for a few moments jyn is just going to focus on his back again, carefully continuing the massage she had interrupted in the first place.
he liked kissing her. it was nice, it was good, she liked it as well, but maybe it was just-- no, she shuts down the thoughts before they come back, willing her focus back to his sore muscles. she's gotten good at shoving down her feelings over the years so it doesn't take much effort but she can feel the traitorous flicker of hope in her heart, keeping vigil. ]
I liked it, too.
[ that much seemed obvious, at least. she's being repetitive but she doesn't know how to navigate this sort of thing. ]
[she doesn't answer him right away, and even though she's trying to help him get less tense, his shoulders stiffen in worry that he said something wrong. all his logic continues to get thrown out the window when it comes to jyn.]
[but she says she liked it too and he relaxes, even if it... doesn't help him figure out what he wants to say next. there are a lot of reasons she could have liked it! he knows why he did it, but he can't shake the concern that maybe, despite literally everything, his feelings would be unwelcome.]
[her hands keep moving over his back, lulling him slowly away from tension even if his nerves are still on fire.]
[ no, she shouldn't have said that. she should have agreed to more kissing sometime because she does want but she wants to know why more. why her, why now, why doesn't he want to kiss someone who isn't largely a human disaster.
[ no, nope, no, she was comfortable back here not having to look at him, it was making talking so much easier, even if she was barely contributing to the conversation. she might contribute nothing if she has to look at him.
still, he tugs on her arm and she shifts out from behind him, sitting next to him instead, one leg stretched out behind him still, the other tucked against the edge of the couch, toes brushing the floor. ]
I wasn't finished. [ with his back, so he only has a second. that seems to be her compromise, mouth slanted in an apprehensive frown. ]
[oh. maybe it was easier with the steady press of her behind him, her hands an idle distraction, because even though he can see her face now, she just looks unhappy and uncomfortable. it makes him hesitate.]
You can go back to it in a moment. [he says it weakly. he knows jyn hates talking about anything related to feelings, but because he's cassian he just assumes the worst.]
[as for the why.] If you don't want to, that's okay. I just thought - we liked it. And I like you.
[ she knows he likes her; they live together, he's her friend, they're teammates and partners and he's her home. but that's different from i like you. and he likes her.
force, she feels seventeen again, confused and bewildered that someone would be absolutely idiotic enough to like her. and when she was seventeen, she was less of a disaster. fresh from grief, sure, but not the kind of grief cassian has dealt with her through. ]
You've got truly horrifying taste. [ she feels she should make that known. ]
[he offers her a tiny little smile. if anyone has bad taste, it's definitely not him.] No I don't.
[he reaches out, carefully winding his fingers through hers. it's loose enough that she could pull back, but when she doesn't, cassian feels emboldened.] I don't want to kiss you because it's Sampremi, or because it's convenient. I have accepted the quarantine as my new home, but only because you are here too.
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[he wants to say something, but for once cassian finds himself at a complete loss for words.]
Okay. [he starts to move, knowing she'll come with. maybe once they're tucked away inside he'll get his words back, instead of just thinking about how it felt to kiss her.]
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the last time she had kissed anyone he had told her that he liked her and had liked her for probably the entire year she was there and it was really great that she just completely didn't notice, but cassian didn't preface it with that.
so maybe it isn't that.
maybe it was just the festival getting the best of him, maybe he drank too much, maybe he was hallucinating because of the pain, maybe after six months of being here he just wanted to kiss someone and jyn was nearby. she doesn't want to think it's any of that but what if it is? he's never shown any indication of liking her before now and she thinks she would notice, she lived with him after all.
but maybe... she doesn't know. she decides rather quickly to stop thinking about it, focusing on leading them to the door and unlocking it so she can let them inside and cassian can sit down. that's the important part. ]
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[she'd kissed him back, very eagerly, but he hadn't actually told her why. he wants to think she would know, but considering how long it took him to realize what his feelings were doing in the first place, he can't be sure. they are in the middle of a festival. one based on expressing physical affection. sampremi honestly hadn't occurred to him when he kissed her, but now with the after effects of the rave aching up his body, he worries about his silence. he just... still doesn't know what to say, because there's too much to say and he doesn't know where to begin.]
[jyn gets the door open and at least being inside is welcome. they make their way over to the couch, and jyn helps him settle down on it. he sighs with relief when he finally sinks into the cushions, spine and hips thanking him.]
[he looks up at her and reaches for her hand, squeezing her fingers, like he's suddenly afraid she's going to bolt.]
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I'm going to get some water, do you want anything else?
[ maybe if she acts like nothing has changed, nothing will have changed. he's her best friend! she can't lose the ease they have, it made the second chance livable. if she'd been alone... she can't lose their friendship and comfortable life, she refuses. ]
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[she's acting very normal, which would otherwise be a good a sign, but he kissed her. that changes the normal. maybe she does not want that normal changed and he made a mistake. now that they're out of the elevator, it's time to overthink it all!]
Aspirin. Please. [and for her to come back and sit with him, but one step at a time.]
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Does it feel any worse?
[ he'd flinched! maybe it was more painful now than when they'd gotten on the elevator. ]
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[cassian shakes his head while he takes it from her. it's the first, albeit indirect, mention of What Happened, that has to be good?] No, it's the same. You didn't -
[he pops the pills and downs a few gulps of the water instead of finishing that sentence. not just because he's still at a loss for what to say to her.] It's already better to be off my feet though.
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Budge up.
[ experience dictates up and not over this time, but who knows, maybe he will be stubborn. in any case she gestures up, so he better scoot so she can fit behind him. she doesn't know if she's acting like nothing happened and therefore nothing has changed or if nothing has changed. ]
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[he budges up anyway, refusing to be the first person to make it weird by, like, being awkward or bringing it up or acting like any of this is unusual.]
Are you sure? [ok well maybe not. he can't help asking.]
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he's making it weird!
it is weird, because he kissed her and she kissed him in return, but she isn't going to be the one to say something about it. he kissed her, it's his job to tell her why. ]
I'm sure.
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Okay. [he spins the glass of water in his hands while she settles behind him and he finds himself hyperaware of every single movement she makes.]
[he really needs to figure out what to say. how to say it.]
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the way her fingers press into his back, cold from holding the water, is as familiar as always, no hesitation as her palms press flat and her fingers splay out toward his hips. it always starts the same, like she's centering herself against his injuries and reminding herself that he is, in fact, still in front of her and not crumpled in a broken heap at the bottom of the data vault. reminding herself to be gentle, that her hands can heal, not just hurt. ]
Tell me if it's too much.
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[maybe it was not a good idea, at least for his mental gymnastics. it might keep jym from overthinking, but it sends cassian's brain into overdrive. he needs to bring it up. he needs to ask if it was okay. he wants to hold her hand again.]
It's perfect. [the more she does it, the better it gets, like she's learning exactly how to help him best. he shudders from it anyway, from a pseudo-culmination of everything, and she's barely started.]
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[ clearly he is being a baby, but even that is better than him being in pain so she'll take it as she starts carefully moving her hands, applying steady pressure to work out the knots and stiffness without pressing too hard in any one spot just yet. she has to find and catalog the sore spots before she works them out, it's all very methodical. ]
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[he's very used to her cold hands by now. it's - everything else. he trusts her and he loves her and her hands are safe. she's looking for the worst of the aches in his back, and he knows she's going to find them.]
[cassian feels exposed in virtually every single way.] They are always cold. I'm used to it. [a beat.] I like being used to it.
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she can't help it, she does exactly that, stifling a snicker almost immediately. of course she does not apologize. ]
I like it, too. [ maybe in a little bit of a power hungry way too because she likes knowing she is the one to help cassian relax and feel good. it's enough to make anyone feel powerful, honestly, to have cassian at ease under their touch. ]
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[he shut out that kind of care for years, and now that he allowed it back in, he doesn't want it to stop. but he wants to drown jyn in that same kind of knowing too. he's learned so much about her already, but he wants to know everything - because of how he feels, not because of a mission. he wants to know what makes her happy, and he wants to make her happy. he wants to be happy with her.]
I also like - [he swallows.] I liked kissing you too.
[just THROWS IT OUT THERE.]
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he liked kissing her. it was nice, it was good, she liked it as well, but maybe it was just-- no, she shuts down the thoughts before they come back, willing her focus back to his sore muscles. she's gotten good at shoving down her feelings over the years so it doesn't take much effort but she can feel the traitorous flicker of hope in her heart, keeping vigil. ]
I liked it, too.
[ that much seemed obvious, at least. she's being repetitive but she doesn't know how to navigate this sort of thing. ]
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[but she says she liked it too and he relaxes, even if it... doesn't help him figure out what he wants to say next. there are a lot of reasons she could have liked it! he knows why he did it, but he can't shake the concern that maybe, despite literally everything, his feelings would be unwelcome.]
[her hands keep moving over his back, lulling him slowly away from tension even if his nerves are still on fire.]
We can do it again sometime. If you want.
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[ no, she shouldn't have said that. she should have agreed to more kissing sometime because she does want but she wants to know why more. why her, why now, why doesn't he want to kiss someone who isn't largely a human disaster.
like jim, she was pretty sure he liked jim. ]
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Because I want to. [he reaches behind him, fingers wriggling till they find her arm.] Will you come here, for a second?
[he doesn't want to tell her when he can't even see her face.]
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still, he tugs on her arm and she shifts out from behind him, sitting next to him instead, one leg stretched out behind him still, the other tucked against the edge of the couch, toes brushing the floor. ]
I wasn't finished. [ with his back, so he only has a second. that seems to be her compromise, mouth slanted in an apprehensive frown. ]
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You can go back to it in a moment. [he says it weakly. he knows jyn hates talking about anything related to feelings, but because he's cassian he just assumes the worst.]
[as for the why.] If you don't want to, that's okay. I just thought - we liked it. And I like you.
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force, she feels seventeen again, confused and bewildered that someone would be absolutely idiotic enough to like her. and when she was seventeen, she was less of a disaster. fresh from grief, sure, but not the kind of grief cassian has dealt with her through. ]
You've got truly horrifying taste. [ she feels she should make that known. ]
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[he offers her a tiny little smile. if anyone has bad taste, it's definitely not him.] No I don't.
[he reaches out, carefully winding his fingers through hers. it's loose enough that she could pull back, but when she doesn't, cassian feels emboldened.] I don't want to kiss you because it's Sampremi, or because it's convenient. I have accepted the quarantine as my new home, but only because you are here too.
[welcome home.]
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