[she lets him stay there and he softly smiles. i am too slips out of her without any sort of dismissal, and it makes him feel cared about. important. she came into the elevator with him. because of him.]
[he loves her. he does, doesn't he? he probably has been in love with her for a while. it's a terrifying thought, but he doesn't try to chase it away this time. it washes over him and makes him feel floaty. there's no jim smirking in the background, there's only the sight of jyn dancing and how easily she dragged him along because he loves her.]
[cassian pulls his head away, but only because he wants to look at her. the lights from the city reflect over her face thanks to the open windows, and he thinks about being in an elevator with her again, only this time they're going up - up to their house that they share together, where they live together; so much of being able to just live in the quarantine is because of having jyn with him.]
[he shifts a little, arm still at her shoulder for support, but his other hand comes up without thinking to cup her cheek. they're alive here. she's warm against him. his thumb brushes her skin, and before he can second guess himself, he leans down.]
[and he kisses her. it's very gentle and very nervous, because there's a small part of him thinking it's a mistake. that she couldn't possibly want this. that maybe he doesn't deserve the chance for this kind of happy. but jyn has always made him feel like he can take the risk.]
[ there is a distinct moment that jyn realizes cassian is going to kiss her: his thumb brushes across her cheek, he leans in, she knows it is coming. and then his lips press against hers and it's like a jolt goes through her, like she's been shocked.
warmth blossoms in her chest, making her feel warm all over. everything is pushed away and aside. all her fears and anxieties and all the residual panic that had settled into her bones the moment she stepped on to the elevator flutter away like on a breeze. it still takes her a moment to react and at first it is just her fingers tightening against his shirt, clutching it between her fingers as her chin tips up a little toward him.
she does want this, though she never would have thought cassian wanted this, and she's so blown away by the idea of cassian feeling anything for her that it might take her more than one moment to acclimate herself to the idea. ]
[he should have kissed her as soon as the door shut if the way the easiness takes over her is any indication. he hadn't meant it as a distraction, but it's a nice side effect.]
[she's not quite kissing him back, but she's not rejecting it. she's holding onto his shirt like she wants him there, leaning in closer. his nerves flare up, embers of a warm feeling trying to ignite, but he doesn't push for more as much as he'd like to.]
[there's nothing to indicate she doesn't want this, but he pulls back anyway, just for a second to catch his breath. he doesn't let her go, doesn't move more than an inch or two from her face, while his own expression turns a shade nervous. he kisses her again, featherlight, almost a question.]
[ it's not very far at all but it suddenly seems too far and jyn's grip tightens as if she can keep him there through willpower alone. he pulls back the tiniest bit and jyn overcompensates by dragging him towards her with such force she actually drags herself back too, hitting the glass wall of the elevator and crushing cassian against her.
her free hand curls around the back of his neck and she presses up a little so she can kiss him, eager and enthusiastic and completely forgetting the fact that it is a glass walled elevator. she doesn't even notice the steady ding of the lift rising up the floors, all she notices, all she feels is cassian in her arms, cassian's mouth against hers, cassian fully pressed up against her. it feels like he is surrounding her, enveloping her, and she doesn't want him to let go. ]
[she answers his question with gusto. he lets himself be pulled, which isn't a big feat given he's still using her for support. there's a brief flare up his spine from the sudden movement, from the crash into the wall, but he ignores it because jyn is finally kissing him.]
[she wants this too. she wants him. that's another kind of terrifying, but he welcomes it all the same. the churning in his stomach turns into a rush of warmth through his chest instead, and he smiles against her mouth.]
[using the window wall, however, makes it easier for him to use both hands to hold her, because he can just press against her to keep himself upright. his fingers slide up into her hair, and the other cradles her neck. he matches her enthusiasm easily, even tries to deepen it, wanting to know what she tastes like.]
[ the soreness of his back is completely forgotten by jyn, everything sort of rushing out of her head except the brand new sensations as her lips part and she breathes him in. every shred of training and instinct and self-preservation flutters away, she is completely unaware of anything else that could be surrounding them. fifteen years of training, a lifetime of running, ignored for a boy.
saw is going to come back from the dead just to hand her her ass.
her fingers clutch tighter, stretching up on her tiptoes to chase the taste of him. she's thought, well, she'd thought they were just friends, even if jyn's own feelings had become somewhat less than platonic somewhere in the last six months. they were best friends and jyn treasured that friendship, it was the most important thing to her and she didn't want to risk awkwardness or discomfort or changing their friendship but now...
there was something there on the lift on scarif, an almost, a could be. maybe this was it. ]
[the elevator keeps creeping up, but cassian is only dimly aware of it. he hasn't completely tuned it out, but it's not his focus. jyn is his focus, and she's taking over all his senses. she always did tear apart his defenses straight from day one, of course it's no different now. he just wants to be close to her, nothing else seems to matter.]
[they could have been friends forever, and he would have been fine with that. jyn is his family. he'd told her welcome home, and part of that was for himself too. but this is... better.]
[his mouth opens under hers, and he's giddy with the victory of taking that chance in the first place. she'd said so on rogue one - take the next chance and the next till they were spent. the entirety of the quarantine is another chance. they hadn't run out. there must be something about elevators, only this time they haven't lost that possibility.]
[they seem to be good at breaking through all those negative odds. his smile widens and he probably has too much of his weight against her, keeping her pressed to the glass, but he's not sure he can stand upright, and not just because of his aching back. it's dizzying, how much he wants to get lost in her.]
[ he can have all his weight against her (she thinks he might almost) and he will hear no protest from jyn. not in part because she doesn't seem like she intends on pausing the kissing long enough to manage anymore more than mumbles. she can feel his smile against her mouth, a fascinating sensation, to feel his smile instead of see it, to know it's there even though her eyes are squeezed shut.
it makes a smile blossom on her own mouth and she laughs. maybe it's the absurdity of the situation or maybe it is simply the giddy delight rushing through her, too much startled happiness to be contained.
still, she makes no move to stop kissing him, the laugh softening into something soft and breathy, a delicate sigh of genuine enjoyment. if she had her wits about her she would be offended by the weakness, but she's so caught up in cassian she doesn't have the time. she has better things to do. ]
[she laughs. it's such a rare sound to begin with, but now he knows it's because of him and because of this kiss. it's the best thing he's ever heard. part of him wants to lift her up and settle her legs around his waist, just so she's up higher and closer, but alas, his spine. maybe next time.]
[next time is a thought that has his stomach rolling all over again, because there could be a next time. he could probably kiss her again. it's all he wants to do.]
[he's interrupted from that train of thought, from memorizing the shape of her mouth, by the chime of the doors opening. he freezes, pulling back just enough to glance at the reflections in the glass, to make sure no one's there.]
[it's empty, but he still feels frozen while the door stays impatiently open behind him, his breath fanning out over her face.]
he freezes, he stops, and it still takes jyn a moment to realize, eyes fluttering open after a few seconds of silence. the doors are open, they're at their floor, they should get off the wretched elevator and into the hallway, but neither of them move. jyn finds she doesn't want to, even parted, even without kissing, she doesn't mind just standing here against the glass wall of the elevator with the heavy weight of cassian against her.
it feels like she should be breathing hard, as if she's been running for hours, but she's steady, calm, like the elevator is a bubble and she's still awash in this strange contentment.
he's still watching the reflection, waiting maybe, and jyn pushes up, kissing the corner of his mouth briefly as the doors start to close again. it feels so bold, to kiss him -- even after all the far more enthusiastic and excited kissing -- but it's different in the quiet, it's almost intimidating. ]
[they should get off. the cat is waiting. but cassian finds it absolutely impossible to move, gaze shifting back to her face as the doors close and they do not move. he's greeted by her kissing him very softly, and the quiet affection of it surprises him somehow, as though he hadn't just been in a rush to steal her breath away.]
[he smiles with it, and it has him pressing his lips to hers again, a little tentatively at first. the door might have broken the moment, but he wants it back. he wants it to keep going once they're off this elevator. the eagerness is quick to take him over once more even though now they're stationary in the sky, the press of her in close like gravity.]
[ jyn shifts under him, arms circling around his waist, fingers skating across his back. it's when a rogue brush of her hands makes him flinch that jyn lurches back, almost recoiling as her eyes snap open.
the whole reason they were in the elevator in the first place was so he wouldn't have to walk up the stairs. ]
We have to-- [ she pushes him a bit away from her, looping her arm more securely around his waist, trying to find the original fit so she can help him off the elevator. she hits the door open button with probably too much force, but she doesn't want to focus on how her cheeks feel warm and her chest feels tight and how much she misses his lips on hers. ]
[he hates his bad back for a lot of reasons, but most of all now for the way jyn's touch makes him flinch and the moment really shatters. she gently manhandles him away from her, and he can't do much to fight it, hands disentangling from her hair and one arm dropping back around her shoulder. he feels closer to her than they were before the elevator, but it's still too far compared to several seconds ago.]
[he wants to say something, but for once cassian finds himself at a complete loss for words.]
Okay. [he starts to move, knowing she'll come with. maybe once they're tucked away inside he'll get his words back, instead of just thinking about how it felt to kiss her.]
[ onward they walk, jyn equally at a loss for words.
the last time she had kissed anyone he had told her that he liked her and had liked her for probably the entire year she was there and it was really great that she just completely didn't notice, but cassian didn't preface it with that.
so maybe it isn't that.
maybe it was just the festival getting the best of him, maybe he drank too much, maybe he was hallucinating because of the pain, maybe after six months of being here he just wanted to kiss someone and jyn was nearby. she doesn't want to think it's any of that but what if it is? he's never shown any indication of liking her before now and she thinks she would notice, she lived with him after all.
but maybe... she doesn't know. she decides rather quickly to stop thinking about it, focusing on leading them to the door and unlocking it so she can let them inside and cassian can sit down. that's the important part. ]
[it's a strange silence down the hall. he's very used to the quiet with jyn, but it's usually an easy one, a peaceful mood. the kiss hangs over his head instead and now the silence makes him nervous.]
[she'd kissed him back, very eagerly, but he hadn't actually told her why. he wants to think she would know, but considering how long it took him to realize what his feelings were doing in the first place, he can't be sure. they are in the middle of a festival. one based on expressing physical affection. sampremi honestly hadn't occurred to him when he kissed her, but now with the after effects of the rave aching up his body, he worries about his silence. he just... still doesn't know what to say, because there's too much to say and he doesn't know where to begin.]
[jyn gets the door open and at least being inside is welcome. they make their way over to the couch, and jyn helps him settle down on it. he sighs with relief when he finally sinks into the cushions, spine and hips thanking him.]
[he looks up at her and reaches for her hand, squeezing her fingers, like he's suddenly afraid she's going to bolt.]
[ he takes her hand and she stops, half turned toward the kitchen, smiling down at him reflexively. ]
I'm going to get some water, do you want anything else?
[ maybe if she acts like nothing has changed, nothing will have changed. he's her best friend! she can't lose the ease they have, it made the second chance livable. if she'd been alone... she can't lose their friendship and comfortable life, she refuses. ]
[she smiles at him, and it's instinct to smile back at the sight of it. maybe they're okay? maybe she's okay?]
[she's acting very normal, which would otherwise be a good a sign, but he kissed her. that changes the normal. maybe she does not want that normal changed and he made a mistake. now that they're out of the elevator, it's time to overthink it all!]
Aspirin. Please. [and for her to come back and sit with him, but one step at a time.]
[ she makes a face like duh and moves toward the kitchen, letting her hand slip out of his. it falls back to her side weakly and she feels oddly sad about it but that's ridiculous. fetching the aspirin from the bathroom, she fills two glasses with cold water as the cat circles her ankles. when she returns to the couch, she perches on the edge of it and settles the water on the coffee table so she can hold out the aspirin, dropping it into his hand. ]
Does it feel any worse?
[ he'd flinched! maybe it was more painful now than when they'd gotten on the elevator. ]
[he can literally see her moving around, but he still feels almost bereft in not touching her in some capacity. even when she sits down with him on the couch, she feels too far away, and the way she teeters at the edge instead of getting comfortable weirdly makes him nervous.]
[cassian shakes his head while he takes it from her. it's the first, albeit indirect, mention of What Happened, that has to be good?] No, it's the same. You didn't -
[he pops the pills and downs a few gulps of the water instead of finishing that sentence. not just because he's still at a loss for what to say to her.] It's already better to be off my feet though.
[ experience dictates up and not over this time, but who knows, maybe he will be stubborn. in any case she gestures up, so he better scoot so she can fit behind him. she doesn't know if she's acting like nothing happened and therefore nothing has changed or if nothing has changed. ]
[he doesn't move at first, surprised because he does know what that means. she's acting like nothing happened because she offered him another massage earlier but he kind of feels like he might combust if she does it.]
[he budges up anyway, refusing to be the first person to make it weird by, like, being awkward or bringing it up or acting like any of this is unusual.]
Are you sure? [ok well maybe not. he can't help asking.]
[ jyn makes a face because they both know damn well she wouldn't offer if she wasn't sure. she gulps down her water, setting it on the coffee table before scooting to sit behind him.
he's making it weird!
it is weird, because he kissed her and she kissed him in return, but she isn't going to be the one to say something about it. he kissed her, it's his job to tell her why. ]
[he doesn't know how to navigate this! he doesn't want it to be weird! but what if he says or does something wrong! he just comes to the conclusion that it's going to be weird for a little while, but whether it's good or bad is probably up to him.]
Okay. [he spins the glass of water in his hands while she settles behind him and he finds himself hyperaware of every single movement she makes.]
[he really needs to figure out what to say. how to say it.]
[ jyn doesn't seem to mind the quiet, but then again she purposefully gave herself something to do so she could keep her mind occupied not overthinking what happened in the elevator. she's still thinking, but not overthinking.
the way her fingers press into his back, cold from holding the water, is as familiar as always, no hesitation as her palms press flat and her fingers splay out toward his hips. it always starts the same, like she's centering herself against his injuries and reminding herself that he is, in fact, still in front of her and not crumpled in a broken heap at the bottom of the data vault. reminding herself to be gentle, that her hands can heal, not just hurt. ]
[it's familiar and welcome and he really does appreciate when she does this, the pressure better than aspirin. his hands tighten around the glass, because even though it's very normal, he just keeps thinking about the way her hands clung to him while he kissed her.]
[maybe it was not a good idea, at least for his mental gymnastics. it might keep jym from overthinking, but it sends cassian's brain into overdrive. he needs to bring it up. he needs to ask if it was okay. he wants to hold her hand again.]
It's perfect. [the more she does it, the better it gets, like she's learning exactly how to help him best. he shudders from it anyway, from a pseudo-culmination of everything, and she's barely started.]
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[she lets him stay there and he softly smiles. i am too slips out of her without any sort of dismissal, and it makes him feel cared about. important. she came into the elevator with him. because of him.]
[he loves her. he does, doesn't he? he probably has been in love with her for a while. it's a terrifying thought, but he doesn't try to chase it away this time. it washes over him and makes him feel floaty. there's no jim smirking in the background, there's only the sight of jyn dancing and how easily she dragged him along because he loves her.]
[cassian pulls his head away, but only because he wants to look at her. the lights from the city reflect over her face thanks to the open windows, and he thinks about being in an elevator with her again, only this time they're going up - up to their house that they share together, where they live together; so much of being able to just live in the quarantine is because of having jyn with him.]
[he shifts a little, arm still at her shoulder for support, but his other hand comes up without thinking to cup her cheek. they're alive here. she's warm against him. his thumb brushes her skin, and before he can second guess himself, he leans down.]
[and he kisses her. it's very gentle and very nervous, because there's a small part of him thinking it's a mistake. that she couldn't possibly want this. that maybe he doesn't deserve the chance for this kind of happy. but jyn has always made him feel like he can take the risk.]
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warmth blossoms in her chest, making her feel warm all over. everything is pushed away and aside. all her fears and anxieties and all the residual panic that had settled into her bones the moment she stepped on to the elevator flutter away like on a breeze. it still takes her a moment to react and at first it is just her fingers tightening against his shirt, clutching it between her fingers as her chin tips up a little toward him.
she does want this, though she never would have thought cassian wanted this, and she's so blown away by the idea of cassian feeling anything for her that it might take her more than one moment to acclimate herself to the idea. ]
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[she's not quite kissing him back, but she's not rejecting it. she's holding onto his shirt like she wants him there, leaning in closer. his nerves flare up, embers of a warm feeling trying to ignite, but he doesn't push for more as much as he'd like to.]
[there's nothing to indicate she doesn't want this, but he pulls back anyway, just for a second to catch his breath. he doesn't let her go, doesn't move more than an inch or two from her face, while his own expression turns a shade nervous. he kisses her again, featherlight, almost a question.]
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her free hand curls around the back of his neck and she presses up a little so she can kiss him, eager and enthusiastic and completely forgetting the fact that it is a glass walled elevator. she doesn't even notice the steady ding of the lift rising up the floors, all she notices, all she feels is cassian in her arms, cassian's mouth against hers, cassian fully pressed up against her. it feels like he is surrounding her, enveloping her, and she doesn't want him to let go. ]
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[she wants this too. she wants him. that's another kind of terrifying, but he welcomes it all the same. the churning in his stomach turns into a rush of warmth through his chest instead, and he smiles against her mouth.]
[using the window wall, however, makes it easier for him to use both hands to hold her, because he can just press against her to keep himself upright. his fingers slide up into her hair, and the other cradles her neck. he matches her enthusiasm easily, even tries to deepen it, wanting to know what she tastes like.]
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saw is going to come back from the dead just to hand her her ass.
her fingers clutch tighter, stretching up on her tiptoes to chase the taste of him. she's thought, well, she'd thought they were just friends, even if jyn's own feelings had become somewhat less than platonic somewhere in the last six months. they were best friends and jyn treasured that friendship, it was the most important thing to her and she didn't want to risk awkwardness or discomfort or changing their friendship but now...
there was something there on the lift on scarif, an almost, a could be. maybe this was it. ]
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[they could have been friends forever, and he would have been fine with that. jyn is his family. he'd told her welcome home, and part of that was for himself too. but this is... better.]
[his mouth opens under hers, and he's giddy with the victory of taking that chance in the first place. she'd said so on rogue one - take the next chance and the next till they were spent. the entirety of the quarantine is another chance. they hadn't run out. there must be something about elevators, only this time they haven't lost that possibility.]
[they seem to be good at breaking through all those negative odds. his smile widens and he probably has too much of his weight against her, keeping her pressed to the glass, but he's not sure he can stand upright, and not just because of his aching back. it's dizzying, how much he wants to get lost in her.]
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it makes a smile blossom on her own mouth and she laughs. maybe it's the absurdity of the situation or maybe it is simply the giddy delight rushing through her, too much startled happiness to be contained.
still, she makes no move to stop kissing him, the laugh softening into something soft and breathy, a delicate sigh of genuine enjoyment. if she had her wits about her she would be offended by the weakness, but she's so caught up in cassian she doesn't have the time. she has better things to do. ]
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[next time is a thought that has his stomach rolling all over again, because there could be a next time. he could probably kiss her again. it's all he wants to do.]
[he's interrupted from that train of thought, from memorizing the shape of her mouth, by the chime of the doors opening. he freezes, pulling back just enough to glance at the reflections in the glass, to make sure no one's there.]
[it's empty, but he still feels frozen while the door stays impatiently open behind him, his breath fanning out over her face.]
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he freezes, he stops, and it still takes jyn a moment to realize, eyes fluttering open after a few seconds of silence. the doors are open, they're at their floor, they should get off the wretched elevator and into the hallway, but neither of them move. jyn finds she doesn't want to, even parted, even without kissing, she doesn't mind just standing here against the glass wall of the elevator with the heavy weight of cassian against her.
it feels like she should be breathing hard, as if she's been running for hours, but she's steady, calm, like the elevator is a bubble and she's still awash in this strange contentment.
he's still watching the reflection, waiting maybe, and jyn pushes up, kissing the corner of his mouth briefly as the doors start to close again. it feels so bold, to kiss him -- even after all the far more enthusiastic and excited kissing -- but it's different in the quiet, it's almost intimidating. ]
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[he smiles with it, and it has him pressing his lips to hers again, a little tentatively at first. the door might have broken the moment, but he wants it back. he wants it to keep going once they're off this elevator. the eagerness is quick to take him over once more even though now they're stationary in the sky, the press of her in close like gravity.]
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the whole reason they were in the elevator in the first place was so he wouldn't have to walk up the stairs. ]
We have to-- [ she pushes him a bit away from her, looping her arm more securely around his waist, trying to find the original fit so she can help him off the elevator. she hits the door open button with probably too much force, but she doesn't want to focus on how her cheeks feel warm and her chest feels tight and how much she misses his lips on hers. ]
Come on.
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[he wants to say something, but for once cassian finds himself at a complete loss for words.]
Okay. [he starts to move, knowing she'll come with. maybe once they're tucked away inside he'll get his words back, instead of just thinking about how it felt to kiss her.]
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the last time she had kissed anyone he had told her that he liked her and had liked her for probably the entire year she was there and it was really great that she just completely didn't notice, but cassian didn't preface it with that.
so maybe it isn't that.
maybe it was just the festival getting the best of him, maybe he drank too much, maybe he was hallucinating because of the pain, maybe after six months of being here he just wanted to kiss someone and jyn was nearby. she doesn't want to think it's any of that but what if it is? he's never shown any indication of liking her before now and she thinks she would notice, she lived with him after all.
but maybe... she doesn't know. she decides rather quickly to stop thinking about it, focusing on leading them to the door and unlocking it so she can let them inside and cassian can sit down. that's the important part. ]
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[she'd kissed him back, very eagerly, but he hadn't actually told her why. he wants to think she would know, but considering how long it took him to realize what his feelings were doing in the first place, he can't be sure. they are in the middle of a festival. one based on expressing physical affection. sampremi honestly hadn't occurred to him when he kissed her, but now with the after effects of the rave aching up his body, he worries about his silence. he just... still doesn't know what to say, because there's too much to say and he doesn't know where to begin.]
[jyn gets the door open and at least being inside is welcome. they make their way over to the couch, and jyn helps him settle down on it. he sighs with relief when he finally sinks into the cushions, spine and hips thanking him.]
[he looks up at her and reaches for her hand, squeezing her fingers, like he's suddenly afraid she's going to bolt.]
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I'm going to get some water, do you want anything else?
[ maybe if she acts like nothing has changed, nothing will have changed. he's her best friend! she can't lose the ease they have, it made the second chance livable. if she'd been alone... she can't lose their friendship and comfortable life, she refuses. ]
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[she's acting very normal, which would otherwise be a good a sign, but he kissed her. that changes the normal. maybe she does not want that normal changed and he made a mistake. now that they're out of the elevator, it's time to overthink it all!]
Aspirin. Please. [and for her to come back and sit with him, but one step at a time.]
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Does it feel any worse?
[ he'd flinched! maybe it was more painful now than when they'd gotten on the elevator. ]
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[cassian shakes his head while he takes it from her. it's the first, albeit indirect, mention of What Happened, that has to be good?] No, it's the same. You didn't -
[he pops the pills and downs a few gulps of the water instead of finishing that sentence. not just because he's still at a loss for what to say to her.] It's already better to be off my feet though.
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Budge up.
[ experience dictates up and not over this time, but who knows, maybe he will be stubborn. in any case she gestures up, so he better scoot so she can fit behind him. she doesn't know if she's acting like nothing happened and therefore nothing has changed or if nothing has changed. ]
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[he budges up anyway, refusing to be the first person to make it weird by, like, being awkward or bringing it up or acting like any of this is unusual.]
Are you sure? [ok well maybe not. he can't help asking.]
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he's making it weird!
it is weird, because he kissed her and she kissed him in return, but she isn't going to be the one to say something about it. he kissed her, it's his job to tell her why. ]
I'm sure.
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Okay. [he spins the glass of water in his hands while she settles behind him and he finds himself hyperaware of every single movement she makes.]
[he really needs to figure out what to say. how to say it.]
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the way her fingers press into his back, cold from holding the water, is as familiar as always, no hesitation as her palms press flat and her fingers splay out toward his hips. it always starts the same, like she's centering herself against his injuries and reminding herself that he is, in fact, still in front of her and not crumpled in a broken heap at the bottom of the data vault. reminding herself to be gentle, that her hands can heal, not just hurt. ]
Tell me if it's too much.
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[maybe it was not a good idea, at least for his mental gymnastics. it might keep jym from overthinking, but it sends cassian's brain into overdrive. he needs to bring it up. he needs to ask if it was okay. he wants to hold her hand again.]
It's perfect. [the more she does it, the better it gets, like she's learning exactly how to help him best. he shudders from it anyway, from a pseudo-culmination of everything, and she's barely started.]
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