[it's a relief to lean against her, letting himself drop more weight and take it off his hips. he moves his arm around her shoulder, and it's a familiar loop, just more comfortable this time. it already feels better to use her for a crutch, but he's not going to say so aloud right now.]
We left before it got worse. Besides, I did not know it was the dancing until now. [so there.] Maybe. I will see how it is when we get home, once I am sitting.
[mostly he just wants to get off his feet. but the massage was nice. it might help? or is that just wishful thinking??]
[ jyn wants him to get off his feet too and while it's not too much further to the apartment building, she does wish they could just get a ride the short distance. a moving walkway, maybe. she drifts off into silent thought about what fantastical way they could get from point a to b, eventually deciding on jim's transporters, even thought she doesn't relish the idea of trusting technology to scatter her atoms and then properly reform them in another position.
she's contemplating all sorts of ridiculous scientific achievements and trying to remember if something like transporters were part of the files in the now destroyed data vault, when she realizes she's been silent for most of the walk. ]
We could stop at medical. [ since she doesn't pause or turn him toward it, clearly it is only a thought. ]
[again, he doesn't mind the quiet, and not just because he doesn't want to talk about levels of pain. he likes the quiet with jyn for its own sake. it's not as bad as scarif can't be his only frame of reference. still, it's a relief when the building comes into sight.]
No. [THAT WAS FAST.] Not now.
[he definitely does not want to stay there overnight, and given they hour they might try to persuade him. or maybe he's just jumping instantly to the worst case scenario. either way, no.]
[ jyn looks askance at him briefly raising her eyebrows as if to convey methinks the lady doth protest too much. ]
Alright, suffer then. [ it comes on a soft chuckle, clearly in jest, clearly not surprised by his speedy negative on her suggestion. they both hate the idea of going to medical if it isn't life or death, they'll be fine. and if he isn't she knows he is well aware she will throw him over her shoulder and carry him there if need be.
I don't want to suffer either. [he mumbles it almost huffily even if she's teasing, but to him it's just... something to get used to. re-learning all his limits. of which dancing is apparently one of them.]
I don't want to explain to them what happened. [he wonders what must be in the records, because he knows the state he was in when he arrived was completely awful if not near death. maybe, if he ever went, all that would still be on file.] I need rest.
I'll explain it. [ she can barely think about it with feeling her chest tighten and a chill run down her spine, making her feel cold all over like she feels every time she wakes up from the nightmare of watching cassian fall in the vault.
but if it would make it easier for cassian -- the person the injury actually happened to! -- she would deal with the discomfort. ]
Look, I'm not gonna make you go, but I'd be going with you anyway.
[ that's just the way of it. sometimes they are just a package deal. ]
[he looks over at her and feels nothing but... fondness. they don't talk about scarif as a rule, they just dream it and fight it for each other, but the fact that she says she would do this for him -]
[he squeezes her shoulder, hoping that suffices as a thank you, because he knows she hates them aloud.] I would want you to go. If I decided to go myself.
Maybe between the two of us, we could explain it all.
[ dying was really more of an inaction on their part, but dying and still being very alive seems pretty impossible but here they are. surely they can explain some injuries with brief context clues.
probably.
jyn kicks the revolving door to get it moving as she ushers them both inside the building, automatically taking a single step toward the stairs before she comes to an abrupt stop. there is no way cassian is going to make it up the stairs, not even with her help. not to mention he rarely takes the stairs with her anyway. it's a split second decision before she moves toward the elevator. ]
[he notices the way she pauses, like she's going to head up the stairs. it's normal. she doesn't step foot inside the elevator, he knows this; she climbs eleven floors every day. cassian... can't. he knows it'd be hell on his back, even when it's not already sore. physical limitations put a hold on any of his own elevator trauma!]
[but she moves them towards the elevator, and he frowns, wondering if or what to even say? he pushes the button and it dings while they wait for it to come back to the ground. he shuffles against her, like he's getting ready to step away.] I can wait for you, at the top.
[it will definitely take her longer to get up there with the stairs.]
[ jyn could kill a man with her thighs from all the stair climbing, it's true, but the irrationality of her fear normally made it impossible for her to take that last step on to the lift.
this time the elevator dings, doors whooshing open, and jyn reestablishes her grip around his waist and all but hefts him on to the lift with her. the sense of déjà vu is almost overwhelming but she shoves it down with the rest of the feelings she refuses to acknowledge, of which there are many considering she still stubbornly refuses to grieve her fathers. she will not think of scarif, she will not think of the data vault, she will not think of the turbo lift down to the beach, she will not think of the beach. it's fine, they're fine.
she stretches forward to press the button marked 11, feeling her stomach swoop uncomfortably when it lights up and the doors close. ]
[she all but lifts him up to carry him inside the elevator, and his stomach swoops from - a lot of things, probably. the fact that she didn't take his out, the fact that she could also physically lift him inside if she really wanted to. the fact that she is going up the elevator with him, even though she hates it. he can see how uncomfortable she looks as soon as the door shuts and it shudders into the slow crawl upward.]
[he rests his head sideways atop of hers. that will be his thank you, as well as an attempt to remind her that he is here. that they are not on scarif. that this is not the same elevator and they are not the same people from half a year ago.]
[has it really been that long? his stomach turns in knots and he finds that even when his back isn't hurting, he doesn't want to let her go.]
[ part of her wants to shove him off her, just a reflex of being short, but it's drowned out by the part of her that wants him as close as possible. it's comforting to feel him so steady and warm against her.
alive.
her head jerks in a small nod, not enough to dislodge him from his spot. ]
I am too.
[ it's not a flippant reply like she might normally offer, it's honest and soft and grateful that he is here with her. she doesn't think she would have settled as well without him. ]
[she lets him stay there and he softly smiles. i am too slips out of her without any sort of dismissal, and it makes him feel cared about. important. she came into the elevator with him. because of him.]
[he loves her. he does, doesn't he? he probably has been in love with her for a while. it's a terrifying thought, but he doesn't try to chase it away this time. it washes over him and makes him feel floaty. there's no jim smirking in the background, there's only the sight of jyn dancing and how easily she dragged him along because he loves her.]
[cassian pulls his head away, but only because he wants to look at her. the lights from the city reflect over her face thanks to the open windows, and he thinks about being in an elevator with her again, only this time they're going up - up to their house that they share together, where they live together; so much of being able to just live in the quarantine is because of having jyn with him.]
[he shifts a little, arm still at her shoulder for support, but his other hand comes up without thinking to cup her cheek. they're alive here. she's warm against him. his thumb brushes her skin, and before he can second guess himself, he leans down.]
[and he kisses her. it's very gentle and very nervous, because there's a small part of him thinking it's a mistake. that she couldn't possibly want this. that maybe he doesn't deserve the chance for this kind of happy. but jyn has always made him feel like he can take the risk.]
[ there is a distinct moment that jyn realizes cassian is going to kiss her: his thumb brushes across her cheek, he leans in, she knows it is coming. and then his lips press against hers and it's like a jolt goes through her, like she's been shocked.
warmth blossoms in her chest, making her feel warm all over. everything is pushed away and aside. all her fears and anxieties and all the residual panic that had settled into her bones the moment she stepped on to the elevator flutter away like on a breeze. it still takes her a moment to react and at first it is just her fingers tightening against his shirt, clutching it between her fingers as her chin tips up a little toward him.
she does want this, though she never would have thought cassian wanted this, and she's so blown away by the idea of cassian feeling anything for her that it might take her more than one moment to acclimate herself to the idea. ]
[he should have kissed her as soon as the door shut if the way the easiness takes over her is any indication. he hadn't meant it as a distraction, but it's a nice side effect.]
[she's not quite kissing him back, but she's not rejecting it. she's holding onto his shirt like she wants him there, leaning in closer. his nerves flare up, embers of a warm feeling trying to ignite, but he doesn't push for more as much as he'd like to.]
[there's nothing to indicate she doesn't want this, but he pulls back anyway, just for a second to catch his breath. he doesn't let her go, doesn't move more than an inch or two from her face, while his own expression turns a shade nervous. he kisses her again, featherlight, almost a question.]
[ it's not very far at all but it suddenly seems too far and jyn's grip tightens as if she can keep him there through willpower alone. he pulls back the tiniest bit and jyn overcompensates by dragging him towards her with such force she actually drags herself back too, hitting the glass wall of the elevator and crushing cassian against her.
her free hand curls around the back of his neck and she presses up a little so she can kiss him, eager and enthusiastic and completely forgetting the fact that it is a glass walled elevator. she doesn't even notice the steady ding of the lift rising up the floors, all she notices, all she feels is cassian in her arms, cassian's mouth against hers, cassian fully pressed up against her. it feels like he is surrounding her, enveloping her, and she doesn't want him to let go. ]
[she answers his question with gusto. he lets himself be pulled, which isn't a big feat given he's still using her for support. there's a brief flare up his spine from the sudden movement, from the crash into the wall, but he ignores it because jyn is finally kissing him.]
[she wants this too. she wants him. that's another kind of terrifying, but he welcomes it all the same. the churning in his stomach turns into a rush of warmth through his chest instead, and he smiles against her mouth.]
[using the window wall, however, makes it easier for him to use both hands to hold her, because he can just press against her to keep himself upright. his fingers slide up into her hair, and the other cradles her neck. he matches her enthusiasm easily, even tries to deepen it, wanting to know what she tastes like.]
[ the soreness of his back is completely forgotten by jyn, everything sort of rushing out of her head except the brand new sensations as her lips part and she breathes him in. every shred of training and instinct and self-preservation flutters away, she is completely unaware of anything else that could be surrounding them. fifteen years of training, a lifetime of running, ignored for a boy.
saw is going to come back from the dead just to hand her her ass.
her fingers clutch tighter, stretching up on her tiptoes to chase the taste of him. she's thought, well, she'd thought they were just friends, even if jyn's own feelings had become somewhat less than platonic somewhere in the last six months. they were best friends and jyn treasured that friendship, it was the most important thing to her and she didn't want to risk awkwardness or discomfort or changing their friendship but now...
there was something there on the lift on scarif, an almost, a could be. maybe this was it. ]
[the elevator keeps creeping up, but cassian is only dimly aware of it. he hasn't completely tuned it out, but it's not his focus. jyn is his focus, and she's taking over all his senses. she always did tear apart his defenses straight from day one, of course it's no different now. he just wants to be close to her, nothing else seems to matter.]
[they could have been friends forever, and he would have been fine with that. jyn is his family. he'd told her welcome home, and part of that was for himself too. but this is... better.]
[his mouth opens under hers, and he's giddy with the victory of taking that chance in the first place. she'd said so on rogue one - take the next chance and the next till they were spent. the entirety of the quarantine is another chance. they hadn't run out. there must be something about elevators, only this time they haven't lost that possibility.]
[they seem to be good at breaking through all those negative odds. his smile widens and he probably has too much of his weight against her, keeping her pressed to the glass, but he's not sure he can stand upright, and not just because of his aching back. it's dizzying, how much he wants to get lost in her.]
[ he can have all his weight against her (she thinks he might almost) and he will hear no protest from jyn. not in part because she doesn't seem like she intends on pausing the kissing long enough to manage anymore more than mumbles. she can feel his smile against her mouth, a fascinating sensation, to feel his smile instead of see it, to know it's there even though her eyes are squeezed shut.
it makes a smile blossom on her own mouth and she laughs. maybe it's the absurdity of the situation or maybe it is simply the giddy delight rushing through her, too much startled happiness to be contained.
still, she makes no move to stop kissing him, the laugh softening into something soft and breathy, a delicate sigh of genuine enjoyment. if she had her wits about her she would be offended by the weakness, but she's so caught up in cassian she doesn't have the time. she has better things to do. ]
[she laughs. it's such a rare sound to begin with, but now he knows it's because of him and because of this kiss. it's the best thing he's ever heard. part of him wants to lift her up and settle her legs around his waist, just so she's up higher and closer, but alas, his spine. maybe next time.]
[next time is a thought that has his stomach rolling all over again, because there could be a next time. he could probably kiss her again. it's all he wants to do.]
[he's interrupted from that train of thought, from memorizing the shape of her mouth, by the chime of the doors opening. he freezes, pulling back just enough to glance at the reflections in the glass, to make sure no one's there.]
[it's empty, but he still feels frozen while the door stays impatiently open behind him, his breath fanning out over her face.]
he freezes, he stops, and it still takes jyn a moment to realize, eyes fluttering open after a few seconds of silence. the doors are open, they're at their floor, they should get off the wretched elevator and into the hallway, but neither of them move. jyn finds she doesn't want to, even parted, even without kissing, she doesn't mind just standing here against the glass wall of the elevator with the heavy weight of cassian against her.
it feels like she should be breathing hard, as if she's been running for hours, but she's steady, calm, like the elevator is a bubble and she's still awash in this strange contentment.
he's still watching the reflection, waiting maybe, and jyn pushes up, kissing the corner of his mouth briefly as the doors start to close again. it feels so bold, to kiss him -- even after all the far more enthusiastic and excited kissing -- but it's different in the quiet, it's almost intimidating. ]
[they should get off. the cat is waiting. but cassian finds it absolutely impossible to move, gaze shifting back to her face as the doors close and they do not move. he's greeted by her kissing him very softly, and the quiet affection of it surprises him somehow, as though he hadn't just been in a rush to steal her breath away.]
[he smiles with it, and it has him pressing his lips to hers again, a little tentatively at first. the door might have broken the moment, but he wants it back. he wants it to keep going once they're off this elevator. the eagerness is quick to take him over once more even though now they're stationary in the sky, the press of her in close like gravity.]
[ jyn shifts under him, arms circling around his waist, fingers skating across his back. it's when a rogue brush of her hands makes him flinch that jyn lurches back, almost recoiling as her eyes snap open.
the whole reason they were in the elevator in the first place was so he wouldn't have to walk up the stairs. ]
We have to-- [ she pushes him a bit away from her, looping her arm more securely around his waist, trying to find the original fit so she can help him off the elevator. she hits the door open button with probably too much force, but she doesn't want to focus on how her cheeks feel warm and her chest feels tight and how much she misses his lips on hers. ]
[he hates his bad back for a lot of reasons, but most of all now for the way jyn's touch makes him flinch and the moment really shatters. she gently manhandles him away from her, and he can't do much to fight it, hands disentangling from her hair and one arm dropping back around her shoulder. he feels closer to her than they were before the elevator, but it's still too far compared to several seconds ago.]
[he wants to say something, but for once cassian finds himself at a complete loss for words.]
Okay. [he starts to move, knowing she'll come with. maybe once they're tucked away inside he'll get his words back, instead of just thinking about how it felt to kiss her.]
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We left before it got worse. Besides, I did not know it was the dancing until now. [so there.] Maybe. I will see how it is when we get home, once I am sitting.
[mostly he just wants to get off his feet. but the massage was nice. it might help? or is that just wishful thinking??]
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she's contemplating all sorts of ridiculous scientific achievements and trying to remember if something like transporters were part of the files in the now destroyed data vault, when she realizes she's been silent for most of the walk. ]
We could stop at medical. [ since she doesn't pause or turn him toward it, clearly it is only a thought. ]
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No. [THAT WAS FAST.] Not now.
[he definitely does not want to stay there overnight, and given they hour they might try to persuade him. or maybe he's just jumping instantly to the worst case scenario. either way, no.]
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Alright, suffer then. [ it comes on a soft chuckle, clearly in jest, clearly not surprised by his speedy negative on her suggestion. they both hate the idea of going to medical if it isn't life or death, they'll be fine. and if he isn't she knows he is well aware she will throw him over her shoulder and carry him there if need be.
right now, need don't be. ]
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I don't want to explain to them what happened. [he wonders what must be in the records, because he knows the state he was in when he arrived was completely awful if not near death. maybe, if he ever went, all that would still be on file.] I need rest.
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but if it would make it easier for cassian -- the person the injury actually happened to! -- she would deal with the discomfort. ]
Look, I'm not gonna make you go, but I'd be going with you anyway.
[ that's just the way of it. sometimes they are just a package deal. ]
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[he squeezes her shoulder, hoping that suffices as a thank you, because he knows she hates them aloud.] I would want you to go. If I decided to go myself.
Maybe between the two of us, we could explain it all.
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[ dying was really more of an inaction on their part, but dying and still being very alive seems pretty impossible but here they are. surely they can explain some injuries with brief context clues.
probably.
jyn kicks the revolving door to get it moving as she ushers them both inside the building, automatically taking a single step toward the stairs before she comes to an abrupt stop. there is no way cassian is going to make it up the stairs, not even with her help. not to mention he rarely takes the stairs with her anyway. it's a split second decision before she moves toward the elevator. ]
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[but she moves them towards the elevator, and he frowns, wondering if or what to even say? he pushes the button and it dings while they wait for it to come back to the ground. he shuffles against her, like he's getting ready to step away.] I can wait for you, at the top.
[it will definitely take her longer to get up there with the stairs.]
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this time the elevator dings, doors whooshing open, and jyn reestablishes her grip around his waist and all but hefts him on to the lift with her. the sense of déjà vu is almost overwhelming but she shoves it down with the rest of the feelings she refuses to acknowledge, of which there are many considering she still stubbornly refuses to grieve her fathers. she will not think of scarif, she will not think of the data vault, she will not think of the turbo lift down to the beach, she will not think of the beach. it's fine, they're fine.
she stretches forward to press the button marked 11, feeling her stomach swoop uncomfortably when it lights up and the doors close. ]
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[he rests his head sideways atop of hers. that will be his thank you, as well as an attempt to remind her that he is here. that they are not on scarif. that this is not the same elevator and they are not the same people from half a year ago.]
[has it really been that long? his stomach turns in knots and he finds that even when his back isn't hurting, he doesn't want to let her go.]
I am glad we are here. Together.
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alive.
her head jerks in a small nod, not enough to dislodge him from his spot. ]
I am too.
[ it's not a flippant reply like she might normally offer, it's honest and soft and grateful that he is here with her. she doesn't think she would have settled as well without him. ]
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[she lets him stay there and he softly smiles. i am too slips out of her without any sort of dismissal, and it makes him feel cared about. important. she came into the elevator with him. because of him.]
[he loves her. he does, doesn't he? he probably has been in love with her for a while. it's a terrifying thought, but he doesn't try to chase it away this time. it washes over him and makes him feel floaty. there's no jim smirking in the background, there's only the sight of jyn dancing and how easily she dragged him along because he loves her.]
[cassian pulls his head away, but only because he wants to look at her. the lights from the city reflect over her face thanks to the open windows, and he thinks about being in an elevator with her again, only this time they're going up - up to their house that they share together, where they live together; so much of being able to just live in the quarantine is because of having jyn with him.]
[he shifts a little, arm still at her shoulder for support, but his other hand comes up without thinking to cup her cheek. they're alive here. she's warm against him. his thumb brushes her skin, and before he can second guess himself, he leans down.]
[and he kisses her. it's very gentle and very nervous, because there's a small part of him thinking it's a mistake. that she couldn't possibly want this. that maybe he doesn't deserve the chance for this kind of happy. but jyn has always made him feel like he can take the risk.]
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warmth blossoms in her chest, making her feel warm all over. everything is pushed away and aside. all her fears and anxieties and all the residual panic that had settled into her bones the moment she stepped on to the elevator flutter away like on a breeze. it still takes her a moment to react and at first it is just her fingers tightening against his shirt, clutching it between her fingers as her chin tips up a little toward him.
she does want this, though she never would have thought cassian wanted this, and she's so blown away by the idea of cassian feeling anything for her that it might take her more than one moment to acclimate herself to the idea. ]
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[she's not quite kissing him back, but she's not rejecting it. she's holding onto his shirt like she wants him there, leaning in closer. his nerves flare up, embers of a warm feeling trying to ignite, but he doesn't push for more as much as he'd like to.]
[there's nothing to indicate she doesn't want this, but he pulls back anyway, just for a second to catch his breath. he doesn't let her go, doesn't move more than an inch or two from her face, while his own expression turns a shade nervous. he kisses her again, featherlight, almost a question.]
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her free hand curls around the back of his neck and she presses up a little so she can kiss him, eager and enthusiastic and completely forgetting the fact that it is a glass walled elevator. she doesn't even notice the steady ding of the lift rising up the floors, all she notices, all she feels is cassian in her arms, cassian's mouth against hers, cassian fully pressed up against her. it feels like he is surrounding her, enveloping her, and she doesn't want him to let go. ]
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[she wants this too. she wants him. that's another kind of terrifying, but he welcomes it all the same. the churning in his stomach turns into a rush of warmth through his chest instead, and he smiles against her mouth.]
[using the window wall, however, makes it easier for him to use both hands to hold her, because he can just press against her to keep himself upright. his fingers slide up into her hair, and the other cradles her neck. he matches her enthusiasm easily, even tries to deepen it, wanting to know what she tastes like.]
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saw is going to come back from the dead just to hand her her ass.
her fingers clutch tighter, stretching up on her tiptoes to chase the taste of him. she's thought, well, she'd thought they were just friends, even if jyn's own feelings had become somewhat less than platonic somewhere in the last six months. they were best friends and jyn treasured that friendship, it was the most important thing to her and she didn't want to risk awkwardness or discomfort or changing their friendship but now...
there was something there on the lift on scarif, an almost, a could be. maybe this was it. ]
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[they could have been friends forever, and he would have been fine with that. jyn is his family. he'd told her welcome home, and part of that was for himself too. but this is... better.]
[his mouth opens under hers, and he's giddy with the victory of taking that chance in the first place. she'd said so on rogue one - take the next chance and the next till they were spent. the entirety of the quarantine is another chance. they hadn't run out. there must be something about elevators, only this time they haven't lost that possibility.]
[they seem to be good at breaking through all those negative odds. his smile widens and he probably has too much of his weight against her, keeping her pressed to the glass, but he's not sure he can stand upright, and not just because of his aching back. it's dizzying, how much he wants to get lost in her.]
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it makes a smile blossom on her own mouth and she laughs. maybe it's the absurdity of the situation or maybe it is simply the giddy delight rushing through her, too much startled happiness to be contained.
still, she makes no move to stop kissing him, the laugh softening into something soft and breathy, a delicate sigh of genuine enjoyment. if she had her wits about her she would be offended by the weakness, but she's so caught up in cassian she doesn't have the time. she has better things to do. ]
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[next time is a thought that has his stomach rolling all over again, because there could be a next time. he could probably kiss her again. it's all he wants to do.]
[he's interrupted from that train of thought, from memorizing the shape of her mouth, by the chime of the doors opening. he freezes, pulling back just enough to glance at the reflections in the glass, to make sure no one's there.]
[it's empty, but he still feels frozen while the door stays impatiently open behind him, his breath fanning out over her face.]
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he freezes, he stops, and it still takes jyn a moment to realize, eyes fluttering open after a few seconds of silence. the doors are open, they're at their floor, they should get off the wretched elevator and into the hallway, but neither of them move. jyn finds she doesn't want to, even parted, even without kissing, she doesn't mind just standing here against the glass wall of the elevator with the heavy weight of cassian against her.
it feels like she should be breathing hard, as if she's been running for hours, but she's steady, calm, like the elevator is a bubble and she's still awash in this strange contentment.
he's still watching the reflection, waiting maybe, and jyn pushes up, kissing the corner of his mouth briefly as the doors start to close again. it feels so bold, to kiss him -- even after all the far more enthusiastic and excited kissing -- but it's different in the quiet, it's almost intimidating. ]
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[he smiles with it, and it has him pressing his lips to hers again, a little tentatively at first. the door might have broken the moment, but he wants it back. he wants it to keep going once they're off this elevator. the eagerness is quick to take him over once more even though now they're stationary in the sky, the press of her in close like gravity.]
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the whole reason they were in the elevator in the first place was so he wouldn't have to walk up the stairs. ]
We have to-- [ she pushes him a bit away from her, looping her arm more securely around his waist, trying to find the original fit so she can help him off the elevator. she hits the door open button with probably too much force, but she doesn't want to focus on how her cheeks feel warm and her chest feels tight and how much she misses his lips on hers. ]
Come on.
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[he wants to say something, but for once cassian finds himself at a complete loss for words.]
Okay. [he starts to move, knowing she'll come with. maybe once they're tucked away inside he'll get his words back, instead of just thinking about how it felt to kiss her.]
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